THE COLLECTED WORKS OF ROBERT ADAMS

VOLUME I

Edited by Edward Muzika
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There are at least 250 recorded talks by Robert and about 114 transripts that I am aware of.

The Complete Volume I is almost 1,000 pages long in printed format. I will post here about half those transcripts.

Eventually, a second set of 100 will be published as volume II, and volume III will consist of all the rest plus any others that are sent to me.

In addition, I have a few hundred pages of newsletter articles published before he came to Los Angeles under the nom de plum, M. T. Mind. (Robert had a strange sense of humor.)

Robert was not exactly a disciple in the traditional sense of Ramana Maharshi. He was awakened at age 14 and went to India five years later. But it was from Ramana that he finally understood the nature of his awakening.

Robert was the most unusual man I ever met. He was not of this world. He left no trace. He was unknown and unknowable. He shunned public attention and therefore was little known when he was alive.

He didn’t want many students. He said he wanted ten who would teach after him. Because he was ill and could not work, his shunning public recognition left him in relative poverty. He said he couldn’t care less, and if it were not for his wife and daughters, he would not do anything.

He’d sit for hours at a time looking out his window at Capitol Butte in Sedona, not moving his eyes or blinking. He was always, as he told me, in Sahaja Samadhi.

Most around him had only the dimmest awareness of his state of being, Turiya, the Fourth State of eternal rest in Self wherein nothing existed as objects away from him. The external world did not exist. Others did not exist for him as something apart, objective. All was Self alone.

He taught only two ways to awaken from the dreaming (imagination, thinking, imagining process, Maya) unreality—self-inquiry, wherein the sense of I, the sense of existence, the sense of being alive was followed inward, down through the false I tied to the body and human existence, to the Great I of the absolute, unmoving Self.

All of his talks attend to these two matters: the world is not real, so leave it alone; your true Self has nothing to do with your body or humanity, and the experience of the root Self is attained by self-inquiry or by complete surrender to the guru.

When you read Robert’s talks, it is best to read very slowly and let the words wash through you and trickle down to the lowest level of your being. Do not be in a hurry. Approach Silence in silence. The Self is subtle, so you must become subtle, quiet, watching so that it can take you away, entirely away to the other shore beyond life and death.

Ed Muzika

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Question: Can we not interchange the word "fear" and "anxiety", anxiety is a formof fear. I find the word "fear", i.e. (I Am That) an obstacle to "going beyond" being "desire for the false, and fear of the true", what remains? "A sequence of desires and fears and inane blunders," On one page alone and throughout, in the title of several chapters, and implied by Nisarga and Balsekar, that without an intense experience, realization is impossible and what is more intense than the experiencewe call "fear," the reason we run from pain.

Ed:

Please restate what you are saying more concisely.

Forget about what Nisargadatta and Balsekar wrote. They cannot help you to find yourself. They are expressing their understanding. It will not help you understand yourself. Only finding your depest core will solve your confusion and fear. As a matter of fact, the only value Maharaj and Robert provide is a real-life example of someone who has gone beyond. What they say is almost irrelevant and causes promlems for seekers.

Remember, Maharaj said his teacher told him he was not his body, and to only attend to his sense of being. He did little more than that for three years. Then he had the experiences expressed in his little book on this site entitled "Self-Knowledge and Self-Realization."

You can't fingure any of this out with your mind. What you are is entirely beyond the mind. Just look into--feel into--you sense of being. All Advaita teachers advise this route. Only attend to yourself.

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Ed,I'm really sorry to take up so much of your time. Your response was, once again, very helpful and right on the mark. I too am "mind-smart" and I find myself wanting to read and study everything without actually doing the work of self-enquiry!

What caught my attention, and what I wanted to ask you about, was this statement....."Practice diligently, but not too hard. Too hard will cause you to lose the way too." Find the middle way of practice.

How can a person practice "too hard"? From the things I've read, such as Ramana and Nisargadatta, they recommend practicing every spare moment of your life and even while doing your worldly work. What you say makes a lot of sense and the "middle way" definitely seems like the best approach, but I was just wondering what you meant by "too hard" so I could avoid that "trap" also

If you don't have the time to respond, I understand totally. Thank you for your replies Ed.All the best to you,

A,

Long practice is o.k., just avoid intense practice that requires a great use of the will to search for I.

Intense effort is counter productive, you'll wear out and eventually give up. Also, is causes a lot of body-mind stress which absolutley prevents you from finding the target.

Gently bring the attention back to the sense of existence. If it falls away, don't get angry with yourself.

Pratice as long as you can without stress.

Middle way is better expressed as the gentle and persistent way,

Ed

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Hi Ed-

I found your site on Robert a few months ago andreally love it. Hearing recordings of his talks is areal treat. My reason for writing you is, youmentioned that somewhere along the line you talked with UG Krishnamurti on the telephone. I am simply curious about what he was like and what you guys conversed about.

I realize your conversation was relevant to you, but UG has really sparked a sort of fire in me. His words seem to destroy everything!! Iremember feeling a bit strange not wanting to read myNisargadatta books so much anymore after hearing UG talk, but I realized more and more he was just an incredibly straight shooter and telling things as theywere.

Nothing even remotely cherished is safe with him!! But these things that are cherished seem to bethe foundations of our own illusions, so basically, UG can have quite an effect. So anyway, if you can recall and don't mind, I'd love to hear what your experiences with him were. Thanks for the time and the website!

Al

Hi Al,

I talked to him maybe 15 years ago. Don't remember much about what we talked about.

But, he sounded like a chatty old-indian man and nothing to special. No bolts of lightning, etc.

I understand what his awakening was and can see how it happened. His realization was not the same as mine but is 100% complimnentary.

U.G. cannot help you find your way out. He is trying to say the mind is not the way out. Thta was his way of getting out but probably not your way.

Find one approach only and go with it. Do the practices, examine your own sens eof existence.

Read A Light on the Teachings of Ramana Maharshi and the Path of Ramana Maharshi Part I, both by Sadhu Om. Get them from AHAM.con. Tell them I sent you. The books are cheap. These are great people. And, of course, read Robert. Both Sadhu Om and Robert give you a way out--or so it will appear.

Ed

Dear Ed

I have studied I Am That daily and almost exclusively for about ayear. I want to go deeper in my understanding of this teaching. It ishow I discovered your site. Trying to think of a question to makecontact with you and your web offering, what comes up is the naggingquestion about Nisargadata's smoking and, as I learn from your site,his and Jean Dunn's death by smoking. In spite of the "I am not mybody" and "I am not my mind" consciousness, I find it difficult toreconcile their teachings with this enslavement and bondage and surelyan unnecessarily painful death

Thank you,DKK

Dear DKK,

Feel free to ask away anytime. I am here.
Re Maharaj and Jean's smoking.

You do understand. You have nothing to do with your body or its pain. All bodies are going to die, painful or not.

To a Jnani, the body is no more than an image on a movie screen. Would he care whether a character smoked or not, or died of throat cancer? The Jnani knows he is not the body. He does not care. If his body rejects smoking for health reasons, that's fine with him. If his body chooses to smoke. It is fine with him.

You are making his non-problem into your problem. Only go backwards into yourself and see who you are. Then you will see it is all a joke and that only you are.

Follow the sense of I to the deepest part of your being.

Ed

Hi Ed,

I read the recent post on having a living guru and your reply.

Boy Ed! You aren't making this easier!

You say that neither Ramana nor Robert are available, find yourself and you find them.

Then you say that it's a hundred times better to love and serve a guru, and that it MUST be a living guru.The problem is how do you find a living guru, and how do you know that he is a Jnani.

You keep looking--but not too hard. Attend to your own self. Find the subject, the looker, the listener.

I know that it is up to the student, but it doesn't make it easier. Enlightened individuals don't say they are when asked about it.Yet it seems to me that those that followed Robert, like you, KNEW that he was a Jnani. Doesn't it make it easier when you know?

Of course it makes it easier. But though I was struck by Robert in the beginning, it was well over a year before I really knew and trusted.

Ramana, Nisargargadatta and some others, those that went to India for example, KNEW they were meeting Jnanis.

No, they heard that from others. Many who stayed with these gurus never accepted them as such. It is all a game anyway; they don't exist and neither do you--not as you think.

What about us here in North America? Do we have to go to India?

I would never go to India for a number of reasons. I met all of my teachers--ALL--right here in the USA and Robert in LA. If you can find a true guru in Los Angeles, you can find them anywhere.

I would not put much stock in gurus who do workshops, seminars, traveling circuses. Ramana, Nisargadatta, Rajneesh, Robert became nailed down sooner or later. You can go see them that do not do side shows, or wait for one of their students to do a side show in your town.

Ed,
After a first read through most of the site I just wish I could
hang out with you a bit rather than do email. In any case, It might be
good to tell you a few things to set the frame for later questions.
For many years I was intensely involved in Siddha Yoga but
eventually left it. I didn't miss what you had to say about Muktananda, and
I understand and accept the perspective as probably true. But for
me, there was that power that promised transformation. It existed
and that's all I knew directly. The promise did not quite live up to
expectations, granted. In fact, ironically, my first shaktipat
experience was more dramatic than almost anything that happened later.
Do you have any thoughts about any of this, Ed?
Thanks, by the way, for sharing all of that information about
Robert. Just knowing such people exist is helpful.
John

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Ed wrote:
I found Muktananda to be superficial. Muktananda et
al emphasized experiences, Robert and I, n-experience.
Ed

Dear Ed,

My last girlfiriend before marriage used to fly down from New York
to Sedona once a year to be with Lester Levenson who created the
Sedona Method. I've got a bunch of recorded talks that the ex brought
back with her. But I just didn't feel a pull. There seemed to be a
big emphasis on things like "financial abundance," which even now
on their website is at the top of the list of things that can come
from the method.

Ed wrote:

The use the sales technique to sell themselves and make a living.
They would never make a living on seekers alone. The technique is
not bad at all, but I think the followers have to let go of letting
go as a technique.

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John wrote:

Since my orientation has always been yogic, it might be a fair
question to ask if I have any sense at all of what you're really
talking about. Maybe only in a negative way, in feeling some
disatisfaction with that whole pursuit. Well, let's put it this way, what I do
understand is what you and Robert are up to is something of a
different order from that kundalini yoga path and that it's important
not to confuse the two.

Ed wrote:

Absolutely. Kundalini is about body, energy and experiences. Jnana
is about finding that which preceeds all experiences and the body
itself. That is, finding your unborn nature. Like apples vs.
mountains (or tablewear for that matter).

John wrote:

How meaningfully you can get to know somebody this way is
debatable, but its better than nothing. Maybe you have super powers and can
extract a hologram of my entire life from my words. I used to
believe that gurus had that ability.

Ed wrote:

If I had the super powers I'd be too lazy to use them except to
make money gambling or the stock market so I didn't have to do
anything anymore.
Ed

John wrote:

Ed,
I just got up from meditation. Lately I've been going into it
holding some essence of you and Robert in my mind's eye. Af first
there's a kind of opening into stillness or neutrality, but then the
shakti rushes into that space with more voltage then I've felt in
years. It occilates back and forth like this - a brief moment of
stillness then a lot of movement. It's like there is some internal
switching point I've just become aware of that maybe would lead into
silence but as soon as I find it.. zap! Epilepsy.

Ed wrote:

Hi John,

Interesting phenomena, I've never experienced that. But, it means
nothing. It will pass. It is temporary and has nothing to do with
your task.

Just feel for your sense of existence, not of the body, but of you,
and attend to that.

This is really a quite subtle exercise, but the Self is subtle and
quiet. Stay there.

Ed

One more question for the pile. Do you think Robert is as much available for people who never met him as he is for you?

No.

I wonder this but then think, if he is, then so is Ramana and why not just go back to Ramana?

Neither are available except both are yourself. Find yourself and you find them.

Thing is, Robert is easier to relate to because he was American.

Yes. He is easier to relate to but they say the same thing. Ramana works are very traditional and hard to follow for Westreners.

Also, robert speaks on different levels for different people. Therefore, don't ponder on apparent contradictions. Just let the words in and go where they may.

In Silence of the Heart he says that to love and serve the guru is higher and quicker than doing inquiry or anything else.

Right. One hundred times better.

He also said you need to focus on one teacher. Are either of those things possible when there is no body to relate to anymore (especially for those who never had any physical contact with him)?

No. It must be a live guru. He was adamnant about that.

But then there's you. I don't know, are you following after Robert now?

No, his body is dead, mine alive. I do not hold a candle to him. He is as far beyond my attainment as an elephant above an ant, yet we are one and the same. I follow after him as I attend to myself.

That is, have you taken on the same function or do you see it more as maintaining the memory of Robert and to providing insight when people ask for it.

Both and neither. it is up to the student. Robert had no function other than that given to him by others. In his mind, he was nothing, he did nothing; people only thougth he did. I am nothing, neither are you. You don't exist. Be happy.

From G and my response,

Hi Ed,

Can I ask about Self-awareness, Being, "I"...all of this. "Self-Enquiry" brings you to the I-thought, which will bring it back to the heart. This will eventually destroy the I am the body, the I-thought...the ego.

Don't make it so complicated. I-thought is a fiction, only Am is. Staying in the sense of existence--or the feeling I--will get you to the same place--knowledge first hand that you are beyond the body and world.

Staying in the self, or Self-Awareness as much as you can through self-Enquiry or through other means, I have difficulties in understand what are the best ways to do this. Especially following the "I" to it's source, the right side of the heart.

Absolutely forget the heart. That was a ruse by Ramana to turn people inward. The real inward is not into a place in the body because the body does not exist as an independent entity, rather go into That which cognizes and is aware, the sense of I, or the unformed matrix of Am-ness. Just resting in self, going deeper into silence to its deepest level. Everything in the world is just “noise” added onto your true nature. Some go into that silence by “looking” within, others by “feeling” in, sort of falling backwards into your true self.

Briefly, How to get the I-Though to go back at the source...the heart.
How to stay in Self-Awareness.

-G.


You don't get the I-thought to go back to the source. Concentrating on the I-thought makes it real. Ask once "Who am I?, look within and do nothing more. Repeat every minute or two. After a while, the minutes will stretch into many minutes. Just keep going. You want to attend to where the I-thought comes from, not the thought itself.

FORGET ABOUT THE HEART.

Ed

Falling Into Self

Dearest Ed,

I'm good I am reading Roberts'book and a little 80 pg. book called "the lazy mans guide to enlightenment" by a guy Thaddeus Golas. These are the only books I read, and most comfortable with. I am not doing a dedicated meditation but I like self-inquiry. When I go into meditation, sometimes I get strange flashes of light. I don't know what that is if anything. But I like best just abiding in the nothing. It feels like falling backwards or vibrating. I could ask you a hundered stupid questions but I think they are all pointless anyway.

D


Hi D

Ask any pointless questions you want. Everything is without a point anyway.

Glad you are doing well.

Yes, abiding in nothingness is the best.

That is exactly how it should feel, like falling backwards into yourself--the first person.

The flashes of light are Kundalini expressions, so don't pay much attention to them.

Write anytime.

Ed

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Dear Ed,

This character is practicing looking into the Illuminated Space behind the 3rd eye chakra 2-3 times daily. Very early or very late in the day seems the most productive. With introspection (microanalysis) it is realized that the Awareness that is present, comes before and observes: thoughts, feelings, emotions, bodily sensations and to some extent "my" personality. I know that I am not any of these, since I can observe them.

Right On--keep going.

Looking from this space into the body reveals only more space. Bodily sensations are sensed to be coming from discrete locations in that space, but nothing solid is percieved in it. Is this what you described as the memory map of our bodies? Continued introspection brings the point home, that all experience in the "ego mind" are observed or experienced only throught our senses, neural net, ect, colored through our beliefs and positionalities and finally compared to past experiences and memories, so we can lablel and catagorize them. We experience nothing directly in the would, so there is no proof that the world is Real, or that even I exist.

Too much conceptualization. All experiences are not observed through our body-mind. Body-mind itself is as unreal as the phenomenal world. Only Consciousness exists--EVERYTHING is contained and only an image in Consciousness.

This being understood, i rest in the empyness and experience the almost blissfull awareness that Awareness is all there is. There is still the sensation of being a separate sense of Awareness,, surrounded by nothing. I do ask the question "Who A I" or What am I? Silence is always the answer.

Rest only in observing the Awareness. Be aware of Awareness. This is Self-Awareness, Abiding in Self.

I have been able to fall forward, but not backwards. It leaves me dizzy and a little disoriented. The experience of falling into a bright sun, as you had discribed did cause a subtle shift in awareness...but still "no cigar" (and no sun tan). No expectation is attatched to this practice...i just enjoy the blissfull escape, but the desire for Awakening to happen is all that i ever think about.

Forget about falling forward of backward; it is a help for some. Juest rest in observing awareness. You are doing very well. Keep it up. Do not deviate.

Psychotropic Medications-
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I have a new question. I have suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks for most of my life. I am currently taking low doses of a sedative to basically keep my mind "even". At this point, I'm not even sure that I could maintain even the bare minimum of concentration required for any type of meditation without their use. My question is this: Do you think that the use of such sedatives (xanax and the like), would or could somehow prevent one from attaining Realization?

No, neither anti-anxiety or anti-depressive meds would prevent self-realization. They affect the body-mind and you are not that. You are far beyond that. Only attend to your own sens eof being or existence.

Please don't consider this medical advice in any way, shape, or form. I know you're not a doctor, and I'm not asking you this question on the basis of whether or not I should continuing taking the sedatives.

But I have a doctorate in clinical psychology and was trained to be a psychologist even though not so licensed. I am well aware of the effects of many psychotropic medications.

Your answer will have no impact on that, so rest assured. However, I would like to know if there is any possible effect on the attainment of Realization with their use. Eventually, I will stop taking them. What I was hoping to do was to conquer the fear beforehand, much like Bill W. or whatever his name is (the founder of AA), only stopped drinking AFTER his experience. I still have other fears that surface that I work through, so it's not as if I'm completing avoiding working through that.

I emphasize meds will not affect enlightenment. Even alcoholism does not. These are of the body. You are not the body. There will be lots of changes before and after enlightenment. Do not worry about where you are now. Where you are now, what you are doing in terms of eating, meds, drinking, etc., will not impact your enlightnment. Of course, doing without bad habits helps, such as eating meat, too much alcohol, etc.

I know there are some like Ram Dass who claim to have attained some Realization with the use of psychedelics and the like. So, I would assume that since the body isn't me, nor is the mind, etc, that the use of these medications to enable me to concentrate at all wouldn't have an effect on Realization, but I don't know for sure. Thanks in advance.

No effect whatsoever. Still, not eating meat, cheese, eggs, etc. does lighten the mind a lot for some reason. I felt a huge rush of increased self-esteem and lowered guilt when I stopped eating meat many years ago.

Ed

There are two interesting sites you might want to visit.

Michael James is the translator/editor of Sadhu Om's Path of Sri Ramana Part I and II. I have read Part I and find it in complete agreement with Robert's more advanced teachings on how to practice. Michael has started a brand new site and has a free PDF version of a book he wrote online as well as two other Ramana-related books. I recommend this site.
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Charlie Hayes is a man of boundless energy. The illustrated PDF version of the third "edition" of Nisargadatta booklet should be available there. Or, I can send it to you by email.

www.awake-now.com

The Epitome of Practice

Hi Ed,

I've just found your site today and read some of the information there. I have read many authors of what is called "The Absolute". People like Walter Lanyon, Lillian De Waters, Joel Goldsmith, Anonymous, Mary S. Watts etc...
The basic core of their teachings is basically the same as Advaita and many on your site like Ramana Maharshi, Nisargatta Maharaj.

On these I have ordered some books from Amazon to learn more.
I have also found about Douglas Harding about two weeks ago, which lead me to the others named above (Ramana and Nisargatta).

As for your site, I found it in an MSN groups.

The ONLY thing that interest me is ENLIGHTEMENT. That's it! I'm 62 years old and searched all my life since I was around 10-12. A lot of frustration accumulated.

But in the last 4 years, I found all these authors and finaly feel I am at the core of Truth. "I AM" The only book I have presently is "The collected Works of Ramana Maharshi" by Arthur Osborne. Not always easy to read, adding that I'm a french Canadian doesn't help, although my English is pretty good...well I think it is!

In that book, a lot of emphasis is placed on Self-Enquiry. I've meditated for over 40 years, didn't get much out of it. So Self-Inquiry seems a pretty good way.
My logic is that...I AM ALREADY, IT'S HERE NOW. I only have to learn how to WAKE UP to what I AM. Why in the world should this darn thing be so difficult.

It resides in "dying daily," to the ego. It should be easy.
I wrote because of this quote below that I've just read on your site. Since I haven't read everything...this is probably one of those "stupid question" (LOL).
There must be a common thread with all these enlighted Ones. Something that is similar for all of them in reaching enlightement. Self-Enquiry seems just that, but this quote below doesn't encourage me.

QUOTE: ""My own personal view is that many times self inquiry in the form of asking, "Who am I," is not beneficial. Sometimes it is the wrong pactice at the wrong time."

Eager to read you on this.
G
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G,

Please listen closely. This is very important.

You have practiced much meditation so your mind is strong. You should understand what I am about to tell you.

First, you are not your body. Understand that and believe that if you can.
The body, if you do my microanalysis meditation, is seen to be empty, having no existence except as an image of an integrated "thing." This is not a reality, but a concept and a mental image. There are sensations and perceptions if you imvestigate your own perception of "you," but nothing to hold it together except an image, an idea, a thought.

Nor are you consciousness, because conciousness as traditionally used, is consciousness of something, an object, whether of the body, thoughts or of the world.

You are the Awareness that is at the root of consciousness. You are formless, eternal without boundary. All the world is consciousness including all thoughts and even more, the sense of I and the thought I .Yet, these are gateways to realizing yourself.

What you are is deeper than that.

When you watch thoughts, you must know that the watcher is deeper than thought. The thought is an appearance in consciousness.

Now, how do you become aware of yourself as awareness?

It is not by practicing who am I so much as dwelling in the subjectivity--the source--in Absolute awareness. The Who Am I practice is done to ever more closely make yourself aware of the First Person, ultimate awareness without an object.

Which means to rest in the quietest part or your being. Turn your attention inward into your sense of self, of existence. Do not pay any attention to your body or thoughts. Don't watch them, don't think about what you are doing or speculate what absolute awareness is.

To make this more believeable, read The Path of Sri Ramana Maharshi by Sadhu Om. I am afraid what you find in most books about Ramana is not written by realized people and therefore, their translation is not correct. That is why I never changed even one word I thought Robert said from the tapes I had. His tapes were not always easy to understand because our recording equipment was very primitive before 1993.

Ramana himself wrote two books of the highest value: Who Am I? and Self-Inquiry. Theyt are very short.

I undeestand there is another highly recommended book called the Garland of Gurus Sayings by one of his greatest studens.

Of course, there is the book by Robert Adams, Silence of the Heart and the transcripts on this site.

Then too, read the Ashtavaka Gita. Read both over and over. Do not read anything else. You must choose just one way. As you know, following many practices and listening to too many teachers only creates confusion.

Abide in yourself as awareness, ever hour, everyday you can, and you will attain enlightenment. Many will say enlightenment cannot be attained because there is no I. True, but you must go deeper to understand this, and to understand thaT there is no consciousness either.Consciousness too is just an idea.

Good luck, stay in touch--write often as problems arise.

Ed

Third Eye meditation--
the Vast Illumined Void of Awareness

Dear Ed.

My experience with the Third Eye Meditation is getting deeper, more peaceful and unlike any other meditation practice that i have tried. Before, the illuminated space felt like the inside of my head. Now is is much more spacious, and sometimes intensely bright. It feels clearly separate from my thoughts. I have not been very sucessful in the exercise of falling backwards...No sensation of falling, but i keep trying

The search for the source of my awareness, simply seems to end with the awareness that I, or something is aware. There is a strong sense that it is "I" that is aware, but in looking for "I", awareness associates "I" with my body. The preception of the awareness itself has a "glassy" and spatially limiting quality, but is brings with it brief periods of bliss.

That seems to be the limit of my awareness. How would you get this to expand, or follow the awareness to it's root?

With Love and Gratitude,

M

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Excellent!

Forget the falling exercise. Go with what works.

It is good enough to just stay in the sense of expansion for the moment. Do not force it otherwise it becomes ego reinforcing.

Just abide in yourself. Do not be in a hurry. This will be enough.

Something is aware means you perceive are aware of it (the “awarer”) as an object, which is a mistake. The "awarer," the subject, will never be an object. You are the subject and can never grasp yourself; you can only be yourself.

Keep steady. The danger is you will move very rapidly for a while and then stall, feeling as if you took a step backward, which will be disheartening.

Just abide in being, your existence, in stillness, in the light of consciousness. The rest will take care of itself.

Ed

More on practice and compassion.

Dear Ed,

From where i am coming from (albeit illusory) you are not only Robert's friend, but as evidenced by your wonderful website based on his teaching, maybe his greatest devotee. Yours is one of the few websites by a truly Enlightened Soul, extolling his Teacher, while downplaying his own long, difficult journey, and obvious wisdom. I salute you.

Thanks Mike, that you said that is touching. Hope you never meet me and find out how flawed I am.

Thank you for taking interest in my practice. The bliss i experience seems to be in the form of happiness, which lasts for a while after getting up from meditation. i am excited to try your new suggestions of looking for the looker, and falling backwards into oneself.

The experience of the awareness, which i experience by realizing that somthing is aware of my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and personality feels glassy and transparent, keeping me contained in what is clearly "my awareness" and not beyond.

I hope i am not a nusiance to you. If i could return the favor to you somehow, let me know.

You will never be a nusiance to me. You are more advanced than I think you think you are. Write often. You are not a burden.

With Love and Gratitude,

M

The best you can do for me is to become a totally compassionate soul, helping everyone and everything. being a shepherd for all sentient beings.

Robert said that is more importance than enlightenment. I agree.

Muktananda's daily Jyota se Jyota chant includes the phrase:

Kindle my heart flame with Thy flame.

Do that for others.

Ed

More on Inner Space and Self -Dialogue with M


I seem to feel Roberts energy (Shaktipat) from looking at the picture on your website. Although i assume that his body was not well at the time, his Presence is remarkable.

True, I did not appreciate it as much when he was alive. My mistake. He let me be his only friend as opposed to being a devotee, so maybe I missed something in that.

When i go to the space through the third eye, besides emptyness, there is an almost giddy feeling of bliss. Right now it seems to block all other experiencing, except for ego thoughts, which come and go, sometimes pulling me out of my focus.

Does the bliss feel like happiness or more like body comfort? If the former, you are doing fine. If the latter, it will pass.

Besides more practice, do you have any pointers to help me sink into the sense of existence you spoke of?

Several ways. One is to look for the looker while inside your inner illumined space.

The other is to mentally fall backward into yourself. That is, imagine you are sinking into your basic self, devoid of anything else.

Just as a side note, are you familliar with the work of Dr. David Hawkins? I wondered if you had any dealings with him in Sedona. Do you subscribe to his practice of callibrating levels of consciousness using muscle testing? I'm curious as to your thoughts as a Psychologist, if you are familiar with his writings.

Never heard of him. Levels of conciousness and muscle testing is a fraud. Stay away from him and his writings if that is his method and teaching.

No levels; no body; no muscles.

NO BODY AT ALL!!!

Concentrate on the body and you make it more real. Instead concentrate on finding the source of your being, and that becomes most real.

November 25, 2006

Daily I get many emails from seekers who have questions. Most of the questions have answers that can be found by reading my site or this blog or Robert's talks.

Usually my answers are short now and contribute little for a general audience.

Below is an exception. It is a deeper question.


Hi M, good to hear from you.

Let me comment between your lines.

Hi Ed,There is somthing about your site, perhaps the pictures of Robert, that has me back time and time again, like a moth to the flame.I am a Family Physician in XXX, and a "seeker", who has partaken too many times in the spiritual buffet. The sad thing is that intellectualy i know that there is no me and nothing out there. That and a token gets you a ride on the Adviata bus (which doesn't exist either).

Intellectually is not enough. Seeing there is no I with your whole being is world shattering. Not at all intellectual.

On my current "path", i have been following the teaching of a young sage named YYYYY. He had no guru, but 3 months after quiting, after a year of intense spiritual practice, enlightenment happened to "him". He is a gentle being who seems to live to teach. He combines the path of the heart and mind.

This is how it happens; it sneaks up on you when you are not practicing, but you need to "practice" intrensely before that.

At one satsang, in total surrender there was a dissolution of everything, and a 72 hour period of "expanded consciousness".

Good as such, but not enlightenment. Enlightenment "begins" when you "see" there is no I.

Ed, i realize that "i" have no control, and Awakening happens to "no one", but your practice section seems helpful. When i look inward- through the third eye chakra, i "see" light, but there is nothing for it to illuminate. Almost as if my head were empty (is it?)

This is perfect. A great first step. Now, if this is stabilized, try to sink into your sense of existence--the felt sense of I Am--totally the subject of all experience. This is not spacial, nor inner-outer, but the subjective pole of you vs. the world..

The emptiness you see illumined is your true narure so to speak, but the small I must be destroyed before you can be one with it,

What should this practice lead to? Also, since "who am I" seems to infer there is an "I", What thought or phrase would you suggest in it's place, and when to use it in meditative practice.

Use I exclusively. You must understand deeper than understanding that there is no I. Don't look at the I, look at the source of I. Ask who is seeking the I and asking the question "Who am I?"

Read Ramana Maharshi's early books exclusively--and Robert's. Advaita must sink deeply inside. Get tbe Collected works of Ramana Maharshi. Practice compassion every moment; practice humility; continue helping others--that is, act like a saint.

Hang around gurus. Question your teacher about who and what he is, and what he has that you don't. Have him explain his subjectivity. Don't let him get away with Advaita talk.

Thank you for all your work and effort to make Robert's work known to the world. Thank you for your kindness to animals.With Much Love,

M

Thanks M. Keep in close touch as questions arise or progress is made.

Ed

Satsang in Los Angeles

For those of you in Los Angeles, I have been meeting with people face to face on an individual basis off and on for a few months. Not that I don't enjoy it, but I've got a limited amount of energy to do this, and a more effective way for me is to have an informal satsang, where we just get together and you ask questions. If pople like it, we will have chanting after a while.

I have two times in mind, either Wednesday evening about 7:30 pm or Sunday morning, 11:30-ish. Of course, there is no charge.

When Robert had satsang, we had twice as many people on Sundays as Thursdays. But satsang was a 1 pm, which sort of kills the day. I thought earlier might be better.

This would be in the West Valley--i.e., Chatsworth-Canoga Park.

You will be required to bring chocolate chip cookies. If you are interested, reply to ed_online@sbcglobal.net.


Ed

I'm back. I've answered a lot questions in the past few months, but little that was new. Therefore, I added nothing to this blog. I have added five new transcripts of Robert's talks on a page entitled Robert Adams-3 on http://www.itisnotreal.com.

Start sending questions again; I can answer now.

From an old friend:

Ed,

So nice to hear from you!

There is a story I would like to share with you about when Dimitri left the body. It happened like this: I believe this event took place in the month of October.

On one of the days that I give Robert a massage, instead of doing it in the morning, he had asked that I do it in the evening. I think this was because Nicole had the carpets cleaned. So I came over in the evening and Robert was given a massage.

Right after I finished, I heard Nicole yelling out that Dimitri did a pooh on the freshly cleaned carpet. She was quite upset about it. I came out of the bedroom, picked up Dimitri and told Nicole not to worry, that Iwould clean up the mess. I took Dimitri outside and placed him on the ground. I went back inside, cleaned up the pooh, and then went outside to bring in Dimitri. When i picked him up, he felt heavier for some reason. I left him inside the spare bedroom and went to pack up my table. Robert was sitting in the living room, waiting for his dinner. Then I heard Nicole scream out, Dimitri left the body! Dimitri left the body!

I rushed out to see what she was screaming about and lo and behold, Dimitri wasn't breathing at all. I tried picking him up but he was completely dead-weight. I felt for a pulse but there wasn't any. I put a mirror under his nose and there was no sign of breath. Immediately, Robert came over and looked at his dog lying on the floor. Robert picked up one of his paws but it flopped back down. Nicole was a bit hysterical, and I felt extremely bad, because i was the last one to handle Dimitri. But, given Dimitri's already weak physical condition, I wasn't surprised that he had died. According to the vets, Dimitri should have passed on months ago.

We left Robert alone inside the bedroom with his dog and that's when I noticed that Robert did something to the dog's head and I didn't think anything of it, so I went back inside to collect my table and bag and to wait around to see what he wanted to do about Dimitri. Seconds later, Nicole came rushing in taking me by the hand and lead me back to where Robert and Dimitri were. What I saw bowled me over.

Dimitri was sitting on his haunches, gazing up into Robert's eyes, like he was completely alert and energized. Then suddenly, he fell to the floor and blood seeped from his nose. For almost 30 seconds, Robert had been giving Dimitri a transmission, even after Dimitri had already physically died.

I asked Robert what had happened, and he told me that Dimitri's spirit needed a little help on its way. And that he would never have to be reborn -- his karma was complete -- he was liberated. Tears streamed down the sides of my face, as i truly witnessed something miraculous.

The following morning, I took Dimitri's body to the crematory. Robert showed no emotion, as I knew he wouldn't. As much as he loved that dog, he knew that no thing is ever born, and no thing ever dies. That following Sunday, we had satsang and Dimitri was prominently talked about. Robert and Dimitri were like one in the same. I remember when Robert face moved to Sedona, I used to see him walking Dimitri along the West Highway 89A.

Ed, just keep on doing what your are doing, and tell people the truth about Robert -- he was the Mysterious Sage as you had so eloquently described.

The strangest thing occurred on the night before I learnt of your website. Sunday night, I had a dream about Robert. He was dancing with Nicole, and she looked beautiful, peaceful and happy. I walked up to Robert, all excited and happy to see him, and then he began dancing with me, he looked beautiful, like a holy man, his eyes were bright blue, and clear. We danced and I told him how happy I was to see him again. And then, someone came up to him, telling him that it was time for him to go. Robert said to me, "before I go, I want to write something for you". He found a sheet of paper and a pencil and in his Robert Adams handwriting style, wrote: "Only you can know your true self, no one else can do it for you...nothing else matters but this! He handed me the paper, and then he said all is well, he took Nicole by the hand and left with the man who was waiting for him. I woke up and it was 6 in the morning. I stayed awake feeling so exhilarated. We had some visitors who were devotees of Papaji's who were staying with us, so getting up before everyone else did and sitting in quietude was heavenly.

Then yesterday morning my husband, G., sent me your web address, telling me that he had found it looking at different spiritual sites. He said he saw the name Robert Adams and immediately opened your site. We both sat and listened to the audio streaming of his satsang. Well, I can go on and on about Robert, because I believe he has ever left.

It is so lovely to connect with you again, Ed, after so many years have passed. I really like your website and will spread the word to others...

Love,

From Peter who saw Robert at one of his last Satsangs:

Ed,

You have a great site! Thanks.

I had the opportunity to see Robert once only, at a satsang shortly before his death. At that time he could hardly speak, but did manage to recite 'Freedom' over and over into a microphone.His words just kept pealing like a clear bell for the following few years, over and over. Very lovely. Freedom, freedom, freedom.

He was quite weak. Very difficult for him to speak. From having watched my father-in-law die of Parkinson's, it was clear that the end was near. I loved the way it both touched him and did not. Was very glad to have had the opportunity to be there for an hour. Robert stared hard at me for some minutes, so I closed my eyes. Everyone stood up at the end as he left. But as I was um, absent (how else to say it?) after hearing 'freedom' repeatedly.

I failed to notice until some somewhat angry looking person nudged me rather forcibly several times to get up and stand out of 'respect'. Ha! Perhaps being (much to my surprise) absent, was insufficiently respectful.

Got some ugly looks too from someone whom I found out later was Robert's wife. Ho ho - what a giggle!

Where do you live?You are in LA? Peter

From Michael:

Ed,

I'm reading "Silence of the Heart" for the second time now, and it's strange how entirely new meanings/insights come up the second time around . . .

Anyway, I focused today on the "I Am" meditation that Robert recommended as "very powerful." He said: "I can guarantee you this. If you can practice I Am for one day, just one day, all of your troubles will be transcended." Wow! Quite an endorsement! So I'm giving it a shot.

What are your thoughts about this practice? I note that a student questioned the practice as one of "using" the mind instead of "getting rid of" the mind, but Robert responded that only a few students were mature enough for self inquiry.

A related question: at one point you state that everything is preordained, except we have the freedom to look within. But it seems odd that there's this little corner carved out of existence where free will still reigns, while everything else is preordained. And who is the one who will exercise this free will, anyway?

Very glad to have discovered your site!

Michael
---------------

Hi Michael,

Regarding the I-Am meditation, just try it for a day--100% trying. Set aside a day and see what happens. No need to ask me. He is not asking for a three year commitment.

Regarding free will. There is no free will. But the apparent person has apparent suffering and can make what appears to be effort.

So as long as you see yourself as a person, do the practice.

Ed

Ed,

Cool -- just the answer I needed. Been doing the meditation today -- admittedly with less than 100% effort -- but something clearly is shifting. A while ago I went on a laughing/crying jag triggered by something I read in "Silence," but could be the meditation sort of set me up for it.

Anyway, I plan to keep plugging away at it. (And since the "person" sense is still with me, I think I can actually make plans.)

Thank you!

Michael

From Dayna:


Hello Ed

I wrote to you a while back, couple of months ago. You gave me the boldest replay and it was a shocking relief. I couldn't believe what you wrote at the time but I took it to a great... what is the word... well it was the best thing any one had ever said to me. You said

“None of this is happening to you; what I am is untouched, and that it is my mind that is embroiled in the pain, which is only a concept, and that there is no me to do anything I am already complete, perfect, beyond the world and existence.

This was very helpful. I still read it time to time.

O n your site you speak about the importance of a teacher ( I thought to be impossible for me to find in this city). shortly after being emerged in your site for awhile I found a site that welcomed me to telephone sessions Spiritual Healing Fellowship so I've been doing The Course In Miracles since I already had it and read Joel Goldsmith.

I find the Christian terminology difficult at times but this has been a help towards transcendence, I think. Sometimes I have felt so afraid and have felt extremely depressed. Is this usual to experience such confusing lows on journey to freedom?

Truth is truth I know, but why is it coming from you feel warm and cozy, and his feels like much work is to be done. It doesn't feel good or comforting but I think it's a help. How does one know they've found the teacher suitable for them? Is it the dying daily that is so uncomfortable?

He's assured me it's okay and the ego is stronger than ever now. I know he has awakened though it may be an issue of being incompatible. Geez even talking about it makes me tense, should I walk from this teacher??

Anyway, I feel more crazy than ever, but meditation is good, though it's starting to feel like a pressure compared to before. I don't enjoy it as much as the beginning, I'm sorry to have become so negative all of the sudden.

I am.wanting that peace again. Now I am a "seeker". Listening to The Cosmic Joke... I love. Really needed to hear it, I was really beginning to take things way to seriously.

Thank you thank Ed! Thanks for your web site! it has brought much much comfort!! Thanks for reading my story, it became quite a letter.

Love,

Dayna
-------------------

Hi Dayna,

I am sorry you feel so much confusion. This is normal if you have no teacher or if you have many teachers and are caught between their varying concepts. Many teachers, like many books, will lead you nowhere.

If you felt comfort from what I said, this might be the teaching style for you. It will take you to the place of ultimate peace and happiness.

I am not familiar with the course in miracles, but from what you say, it is a low form of teachings that will never bring enlightenment. If your present teacher says you ego is stronger now that ever before, he does not understand and cannot help you at all. You have a spiritual friend so to speak, not an enlightened teacher.

I’d like to suggest to you to get Robert’s first book, Silence of the Heart. If that brings you some peace, then you know the way of Jnana is your way. If this is true, get his second book and read Ramana Maharshi little book, “Who am I.” By this time you will know.

When you find your true teacher it may take some time before you know whether he is yours or not. It took me a couple of years with Robert, but I had known my true path was Jnana from 1968 until the awakening in 1995. I was particularly dense. It may not take you so long.

In the meantime, tend to your child, he or she is your teacher for now. Whatever meditation you are pursuing now is probably incorrect unless it is to turn your attention inward instead of outwards into the world. This is best accomplished by asking yourself, “Who am I,” and looking inward to find the source of the I thought.

In fact, looking inwards to find the source of any thought is a proper way, but the “I thought” is the beginning and end of all thoughts.

You may not find this suitable for you ate this point because of your untrained mind. If this is the case, practice the opening of the third eye meditation or the microanalysis meditation. Even this sort of mediation you may not think possible, but it is the final mediation, so why not start with the final meditation. I assure you will have doubts and confusion along the way and this will persist until your mind becomes focused. It is not easy, it will be a chore. Then sometimes it will feel extremely easy and no chore at all. It will feel like you have done this exercise all your life. The experience changes, but who you really are is beyond the experiences.

I cannot really advise you too much in an email, because I would have to see you and talk before I had a better feel for your “presence.”

I would suggest walking away from your present teacher unless you are terribly spiritually lonely. If you want, you can call me from time to time. I will give you the number in a separate email.

Ed

NOTICE:

I am still not getting all communications directed to me. The "Contact me" button" on my main website: http://www.itisnotreal.com, appears sometimes to work and sometimes not.

The best way to contact me is at ed_online@sbcglobal.net.

Keep a close eye on the main website as I am adding new talks by Robert and other updated information on a weekly basis.

If I have not responded to your email within a day or two, resend to the ed_online@sbcglobal.net address.

From Susan:

Dear Ed,

Did Robert ever say how to behave with daily living? Should we just stay in the Self and eventually there will be joy? Thanks. Susan

No Susan.

He said "Leave the world alone, it is not yours to take care of.” Only be yourself; rest in yourself. Enlightenment is an add-on.

So if enlightenment is an add-on and I take it I can't do anything to force it, then how do you stop the cycle of birth and death?


Birth and death are only in your mind. A philosophical concept.

Not even you exist, so how can you be born or die? That's what liberation is all about; not becoming immortal, but knowing you are not mortal because you are not a thing--a body that lives and dies.

Oh. Thank you.

From Thomas,

Ed,I've been enjoying your site for Robert Adams! Thank you!

My question is:'Who' is the one that does the 'practices' that are being suggested in his and your writings?

thanks,

thomas


This is precisely the question to ask. Who am I who is doing practices?

It is for you to answer, no one else.

As Robert said to one of his disciples in a dream:

"Only you can know your true self, no one else can do it for you . . . nothing else matters but this!"

From Marcella,

Hi, Ed:

I just found your website last night and I'm really enjoying reading it.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and the insights you have gained over
your years of searching.

I met Muktananda in 1980 and remained in Siddha Yoga for 17 years. I did
experience a great deal of good stuff around Baba, but in latter years I
went to centers solely for the chanting. The CoEvolution Quarterly article
about Baba had a lot to do with my distancing myself, and I just despised
the politics of "the Foundation."

The chanting, though, was blissful, and I miss it a lot. I was a drummer,
and believe me when I tell you there is nothing quite like drumming for
rockin' out during the chant. :-)

It's interesting -- having Baba for my guru is a lot like having a beloved
father who you later find out is a rapist. I still love the guy to pieces
and feel that we were "meant for each other" in this life. But jeez-o-man, I
wish he could've been better behaved! I have a mundane hate for the way he
treated his devotees (esp. the females) and for his idiotic power games.
Thankfully I have always felt close to Bhagawan Nityananda, and that has
helped a great deal.

I have been trying to regain my spiritual "feet" for the last nine years,
and I think things are moving along for me. I was thrilled to see your
recommendation for a translation of the Ashtavakra Gita -- Ashtavakra
*rocks*!

So my silly question (after such a long intro, please forgive) is: Do you
have a similar recommendation for a translation of the Bhagavad Gita?
Byrom's work is so lovely, I'd be very happy to find something similar.

As an aside, I entered the SY Ashram in Ann Arbor just after Shanks left,
have heard many, many stories about him, and have met him once. He called me
a "bliss bunny", which could be because I was giggling madly when we
met...Anyway, just another little link that makes me want to find out more
from your website. I look forward to (sort of) making your acquaintance!

Thanks for your time,
Marcella


Hi Marcella,

What area do you live in? I want a chanting Satsang too. Robert loved chanting.

I love Baba style. Thought he was a spiritual lightweight though. Shanks and I go back to his 1978 Center on Mariposa Ave. in LA. We were quite close for many years, especially after the breakup of Chid and Nit. There was war going on here in LA between the two. Harassment, stink bombs, being followed, threatening phone calls, etc. Greta stuff, I loved the drama.

I don't know which translation is as good as Byrom's of the Ashtavakra Gita.

I haven't read much traditional advaita in years either, just Nisargadatta and Ramana. But as Robert said about Nisargadatta, the latter added his own touch. Which is somewhat different.

That was why I went to Satsang too--the chanting. Baba was a fool.

Write often. Come here, have Satsang with us.

Tell me more about yourself, what you do and where you are.

I look forward to meeting you too.

Ed

From Daniel K:

Hi Ed,I enjoyed browsing your webpage. As an avid collector of Siddha Yoga history, I've always had a great interest in the succession period. Like you, I believe that those of us who would be involved with this path should see the whole truth, or, at the very least, see what Muktananda wanted everyone to see.

Unfortunately, as I'm sure you know, Siddha Yoga recalled most copies of "The Passage of Power," and so I have never had the chance to see it. Which brings me to the main point of this email: Would you be willing to sell your copy of "The Passage of Power"? I'd understand if you don't want to part with your only copy, but maybe you'd be willing to make a copy of your copy? I'm not looking to pay an outrageous fee for this, but if you're willing to sell it for a reasonable price, I'd be interested.

Thanks,

Daniel

Hi Daniel,> >> > Where do you live? You can come see it but can't buy it. It is a > > third maybe fourth generation copy anyway, and very hard to see. > > Also, I am sure the tape has degenerated even more over the years.> >> > Shanks and I were quite close during that period when he was in > > SM. At the time I was head of security for both Chid and Nit.> >> > You might wan to TRY to get one from Indira Dawson, known now as Josey. She set up the Santa Monica Ashram after Muktananda left LA in 81. She is a good friend.


Hi Ed,

Thanks for your quick reply. I live in the Greater Boston (Mass.) > area. Is that anywhere near you? I appreciate your offer to let me > come see the tape; hopefully, we're in close enough proximity for > that to be realistic.> > It must have been quite a trip being head of security during that time! :)> > Daniel


Sorry Daniel,> > I live in the porn capital of the US, San Fernando Valley just North of LA.> > Indira (Josey) and Shanks are your best hope.> > It is an o.k. tape, just shows a usual ritual. It is of very poor > quality.> > Yes, being head of security was a wonderful experience: > intrigue, greed, personality conflicts and thousands of worshipers > of two who did not deserve worship.> >

Shanks was a buddy during that time. I saw him stalked while I > was driving him. Satsangs were cancelled because of threats and unknown people were filing in for Satsang, and there had been previous disruptions. > Hanging around with the swamis was a great show, but utterly illusory. I learned nothing but continued to go for the chanting. I have stories about it somewhere on my > site, but sometimes links are broken.> > Ed


Hi Ed,Oh well, so much for viewing it at your place. I will try contacting Josey and Shanks. By "Shanks," I take it you mean Swami Shankarananda?

Yes.Since you were so intimately involved during that time, maybe you can tell me a few of the things I had hoped to learn from the tape (and probably many things I WOULDN'T have seen on the tape!). After Muktananda gave Nityananda his name, it wasn't until several months later that he designated Chidvilasananda as co-successor, right? Did he ever publicly say, "She will be my successor," the way he said it of Nityananda, or did he only mention it after a group of swamis asked him about it?

Although both were ordained at the same time, Nityananda alone was named his successor. She bitched and moaned to Baba until her conceded. He did mention it in a public ceremony later. Of course, since she was his translator and de facto spokesperson, most everyone assumed, as did she, that she would be a successor. There were many, many of his 100+ swamis that were very disappointed they were not named his successor, or at least be given their own fiefdom around the world.

Another thing you have to realize is that Siddha Yoga or SYDA is a family business. Chid and Nit were more or less adopted from one of Baba’s close friends. Thus, he passed it on as a family business. At the time of the transition, it was obvious to everyone that their understanding, despite his years of badgering them, training them so to speak, their “knowledge” of the Self was still just words-philosophy. With Chid it seems this holds even today.

Nityananda is far more of what one expects as a guru. He was—when I knew him—sort of bashful and under-spoken. As a matter of fact, Shankarananda appeared to be Nityananda’s spokeperson at most events—Shanks, of course, being an intellectual and not-bashful.

Several years ago, SYDA released a "history and theology" of Siddha Yoga called "Meditation Revolution." That book made it sound as if Baba had always indicated (in private, at least) that Gurumayi would be his successor, and Nityananda was more of an "add-on" later on. But the way you describe it on your website makes it sound like it was the other way around. As far as you know, was Gurumayi also being talked about as a successor prior to ~1980, or was she really just added on at the last minute?

Everyone knew Nityananda was Muktananda’s teacher the moment he gave him that name. He had never given anyone the name of his beloved teacher. Chidvilasananda was not only not an add on, but was given equality by her alleged extortion.

I wasn't around during that time, but I've visited the ashrams of both Gurumayi and Swami Nityananda. I see what you mean about SYDA being illusory, with all the expensive bookstore items, putting celebrities up front in the programs, scripted "experience" talks, etc. However, I did not get that impression from Nityananda's ashram, and I found Nityananda himself to be very sincere.

Yes, the difference between the two are as night and day; Nityananda being the day. As I write, Robert tunrnd Muktananda down when Baba wanted to make a pact that they’d work together to build a world-wide organization.

Just out of curiosity, how did you get to be head of security? I thought SYDA did a better job of keeping the non-"die hards" out of their inner circle!

It took them a while to realize I was a Siddha Yoga fake. I had had a lot of celebrity bodyguarding experience before Muktananda. I also was on Muktananda’s original security staff when he was in LA. Therefore, the powers that ran the LA Center at the time they came, figured I was best for the job. In fact I loved it. I was enamored with power at that time and Siddha Yoga had unbelievable and palpable power. I was a Kundalini junkie. Besides, because I was close to power, I got the perks of power.In other words, I was 16,000,000 miles from self-realization at the time and was there for strictly for emotional fulfillment.

From Anonymous:

Hi Ed,

I just read through all the questions and answers on "Stump The Guru." Besides enjoying it very much, I noticed that the last date on the list of questions was May 26/06. Today is June 10/06. I was going to ask you some questions but I was thinking that perhaps you were too busy. I mean, this site came known to me, here on Vancouver Island, and you've got your own life, etc, how could you possibly answer my questions? So, let's make this simple: are you still available to answer questions?

Hope you are well,

Anonymous


I have been pretty busy dealing with animal stuff; however, I am now getting back to my real business of teaching about Robert and reality.

From now on, Stump the Guru with be posted on http://www.itisnotreal.blogspot.com

So shoot.

By the way, there is a new post on an entire Robert audio talk on my site entitled "Cosmic Joke."

Ed


Hi Ed,

After much seeking, in one form or another, over the years it seems like I haven't gotten anywhere. I can see that maybe I've made progress in some arenas and in other arenas it's debatable. In the spiritual arena, how does one take the measurement? Am I supposed to suffer less as I approach the truth, the real Self, Nirvana, or whatever? Is there even a sense of progress? Is it like mastering a musical instrument, where it is quite clear that one's abilities gain in clarity, strength, technique, interpretation, etc? And it's easy to measure - a piece that I could play not before, I can now play well.

What about this spiritual path? Should I be able to say, for example: hey, look, before I couldn't resist giving in to my anger now I don't give in. If that is the case, I'd be hard pressed to say that I've made progress. And if I can't see progress, where do I get the will to continue? I wish that I could be like you or like Nisargadatta in having faith. He had faith in his teacher as you did in yours. That seemed to make all the difference in the world. I don't seem to be able to rest anywhere, doubt seems to arise all the time. I haven't been able to find that faith that can persist through adversity. Any suggestions? Thanks so much for this website.

Cheers,

Anonymous,


Hi Anon

You are not there yet, but are getting closer to where you can Begin to surrender.

When you know without question that you cannot attain, you'll be ready.For that which is seeking, is exactly the one unable to attain, because That (Your True Nature) is far beyond the mind. The mind cannot grasp it. The mind is a wisp that flows from it. IT cannot be attained through efforts of the mind.

Only when the mind rests, such as in surrender or perfect meditation, will "you" get it. Then you will realize there is no you, never was, and the apparent seeking of you, perpetuated you.

Wait. It is all unfolding the way it should.

Ed

Thanks Ed.

What you write feels right to me and if you were here you would have heard a sigh of relief.

That line in the Heart Sutra, "there is nothing to attain," has always jumped out at me when chanting because it seemed incongruous. Here I was sitting and chanting - to be honest - in order to attain something, something I thought I didn't have.

Is there a pathway to surrender that you could recommend I practice?

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me.

Anon



Well, we are talking on two different levels. Robert used to ask us and go out and give things to people, especially homeless people or help animals. The latter is my particular practice. It builds momentum. In other words, practice compassion and kindness. He said, in the end that was all that mattered. Nisargadatta says mostly the same thing in the little booklet I have up.

The more important sense of surrender is doing exactly what you will be doing soon: Take a very close stock of yourself. Settle down. Ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?”

"Obviously, it hasn't worked. I have done everything I can and I am even more confused and less at peace." At some point, you give up. It happened before I met Robert, but much more profoundly after I met Robert.

But really, slow the mind down and take a very objective stock of yourself and what and why you are doing. Question it. What do you want? Has anything worked? "What the hell am I doing here?"

You'll see. Maybe a teacher will come, maybe not. It really does not make that much difference because you don't exist. Whether you know you don't exist or not, is sort of a moot point.

From Ken:


Hello Ed,

First I must thank you for your website. It takes a lot of compassion and patience to do what you do, but again, I guess we are not the doer and only the means for the doing. I also apologize if my words are obscure and not clear. I was never good at putting things in words especially what comes from within.

I don’t really know why I am writing to you for I have no specific question and have dropped all mental effort to understand. I don’t know where I am on this so called path, but there is surrender to what is, and the way it is, which also includes my spiritual understanding. I am only left with a will to continue expanding, to go further and that seems to be enough to create a movement towards it. These few sentences are not meant to gain gratification from others either, for the need for that seems to be fading as well.

I was listening to Robert Adams voice on your web site tonight and it touched my heart the way his book did. I too seem to see the world and my physical body as only superimposed images. Form seems to be noticed by the formless within. This form, to me at least, includes the physical body and its movements, sensations and thoughts, and other physical bodies. When there is identification to the form, the clarity of the formless subsides under a veil, but the veil is not a result of thoughts but only identification to those thoughts, and to me that points to some desire underneath. The form and the formless don’t seem to be separate but are rather joined and is one, both playing their part in this divine comedy. And then, there is without a doubt, what can not be put to words or described which is prior to form and formless, and all arise from it. Is this what some call Consciousness? When there is complete stillness, there is a presence, if it can be called that, just prior to it. Is it possible that one can merge in to that presence? Do I make any sense or am I really off the track?

I realize how busy you must be, but I really appreciate a response and if not I still thank you for your compassion towards seekers. Funny, I started the letter with saying I don’t have any questions and I just realized I am throwing a bunch of them at you.

With gratitude,
Ken

Hi Ken,

That presence you perceive is not you. It is still an object within consciousness, and even consciousness it not real. Nothing. No thing. Even when it appears to be an unchanging absolute, it is still an object.

Nothing, not even God touches you.

Ed

From Susan:

Ed,

Have you ever had a time when you had no ambitions, weren't happy and weren't unhappy either? That breathing seemed even a chore? If so, how did you come out of it? My friends joke that all I seem to do is breathe and meditate. My family doesn't speak to me much because I just can't seem to get too interested. I am a complete introvert who has always been spiritual since I was a kid. I do care about people, I just don't get involved. One of my friends says I'm tamasic. (Ayurveda's term for too much water in the body). I just don't seem to feel too much progress inside. I applied to Yogananda's Fellowship to get the lessons. Maybe they'll help. What do you think? Susan


Hi Susan

Again there appears to be a mixture of questions and feelings.

Have no ambitions and being neither happy nor unhappy seems like a good things to me, that is, withdrawing from the world. Good for you.

But when you say even breathing seems a chore, that sounds like depression. I don't know. I'd have to see you and talk to you to see if I see depression there. Depression is best treated with medication, far more effectively than psychotherapy or meditation.

The withdrawal, not speaking, being an introvert; all those sound great to me.

As to Tamistic, screw that; that is someone else's theory and they don't even exist. They are your fantasies.

Feeling no progress is good because where is there to go? You already are you, and that's all you have to do, abide and rest in You. That is what you are doing, going inwards.

Regarding Yoganada. Forget it. Robert left Yogananda when he was 18 because Yogananda wanted him to go to Ramana, because both had awakened when very young, spontaneously. Robert said Yogananda couldn't wait to get rid of him because Robert knew al the exercises Yogananda recommended were at a very low level. I too found SRF rather empty after two years or so.

These are lower teachings. Forget them. If you are attracted to Robert, go for it. Jnana and pure Bhakti are the two highest ways.

Besides, you can't be that withdrawn. You got married didn't you? You may be withdrawn in that relationship, but you did get married. Lots of withdrawn spiritual types never get married.

Don't forget singing either.

Ed


OK. I just wanted your opinion on this because I get scary quiet and my friends find me boring. I'm not depressed however, I do like to sing and take care of elderly people. That's what I do for a living. But, I have been known to sit still for as long as I can get away with it. Maharishi told all of us to stop taking medication because it prevents you from transcending. On another note...none of my spiritual practices are bringing me any joy any more. I just enjoy quiet, solitude, sunshine, flowers and animals. My husband wants me to get my Siddhi initiation next month and I don't want them. I guess breathing becomes a chore when I get aggravated I can't be quiet for as long as I want. Thanks again for your help. Susan

Well you are boring. So what? Robert was extremely boring to anybody but the rare ones who got what he had to offer.

If you want, take the initiation to please him/them, then don't bother with it. It's no skin off your back.

Being quiet is the key. Most people have to struggle to get quiet.

From Susan:

Ok. I practice Transcendental Meditation. I sit quiet for 30 seconds then I say a mantra. The next thing I know it's two hours later. I just snap back into body consciousness. The TM teacher told me that it was a black hole in my consciousness that consciousness was trying to heal. That doesn't feel right. Whenever I come to I have this great urge to go back to that place. I actually look forward to it.

Black hole, schmack hole. He is full of crap. This is a much lower teaching on the level of body-mind. Dump the Mantra too. It can lead to a temporary Samadhi state, but not the lasting one where the mind becomes absorbed in the self.

Thanks. Ed, you have helped me so much in the past few days I would like to send you a donation. You cannot imagine how much stress you have relieved me just by talking with me and reading your web site. Please send me your address. I won't take "No" for an answer!

Please let me know if ever you hold Satsang. I will fly out. I live in NC right now. But, I don't care where you are. You are the only one who has been able to make me understand many things that have been ailing me the past ten years. I feel this is a blessing from Robert. I have been with a few saints and had a horrific experience with Sai Baba. I have always had an affinity for Robert's teachings. I'm not much into prayer or trying to will myself out of karma. I am quite uninvolved in things (that's a nice way of saying lazy!) and like things simple. Once I was told by Sri Karunamayi that this is my last lifetime. I couldn't stomach the thought of having a body again. So... I hope she is right. I don't have much faith in people unless I can experience their teachings for myself. Robert has always pulled through for me. Once I went to California to be in Satsang with Nicole and his daughters after Robert died. It was the funniest thing, but I saw the tongue on his picture stick straight out at one of his devotees. I thought the poor thing was going to pass out. It is sometimes good enough for me to know there is a Being who loves and cares. If there is anything that you need or I can do for you, please let me know. I'll try my best to get it.

Susan

From Charlie:


Hello, Ed ...

I found my way to your Website vial a post on a Google group, "AdvaitaNow" which I enjoy ... I also have a website and just linked you. Your _expression of That which is utterly inexpressible rings the bell here :-)

A question? I sense from some of your writings that you feel there IS a place for "practices" on this path of non duality ... I was with Wayne Liquorman for 2 years, and since have been with "Sailor" Bob Adamson and spend time listening to his and Tony Parsons' CD's ... before that I was on a "traditional" path (TM, Siddha Yoga) and had a Guru (Baba Muktananda, then Nityananda, then Gurumayi....) I see that we share that 'connection'!

I suppose though my experience is my practices help a lot in reducing suffering where the "Who Am I" inquiry seems to just be a mental looping back on itself, I don't really know what or who to trust! Can you say any more about the practices and the final dissolution of the false sense of a separate "me"?

I like the honesty I feel on your pages.

Thanks!

With Love,

charlie


Charlie

Good to hear from you!

Right now I have some documents to get out but I will look at your site.

Ramana and Robert had only one main practice, the who am I. I did that for 18 years without attaining although it was necessary.

Practices depend solely on where you are and what blockages you have in your practices.

Tell me more about your practices and who you are as an apparent individual; i.e., your biography.

The even better practice, from my point of view, is the sitting, doing nothing, except staring inwardly to the empty self, the self-luminous Void.

If you cannot see that, you should practice opening the third eye. Directions on my site.

If you were in a center or monastery, things would be easier; with diligent practice of who am I, you could attain the first glimpse of your true self in six months. Of course, I was practicing Who Am I in sitting meditation 8-10 hours a day and most of the rest of the day while trying to function in the world.

Read my practices section as well as my biography section and pick a practice that seems right.

Robert and Ramana attained without practices so they do not speak of them—much.

Take care and write,

Ed

Hi Ed

You said, "The even better practice, from my point of view, is the sitting, doing nothing, except staring inwardly to the empty self, the self-luminous Void...."

Yes ... sitting quietly, Being no Thing. Lovely. Then questions arise and subside in the empty Space-Of-Awareness

The question of Practices can also be answered for a mind by the inquiry, of course ... (Who asks the question?)

So: As you asked about "me", though there is a knowingness that there ain't none such, there still appears a questioner and a seeking some "final Bang!" and so it goes.

The Understanding is clear. But still a persistent sense of an "I" that seemingly OWNS the Understanding persists ... a subtle feeling, inchaote yet undeniable, a very faint thread of "Two-Ness" seems top persist ... hence the continuing investigation! ... Mu ...

Are you by any chance the guy who told Ramesh Balsekar that you meditated 8-10 hours a day at Henry Dennisons' place? I digitized all of Ramesh's talks for Wayne Liquorman at one time as a "seva..." amazing stuff ...

Anyway ....

I also knew and loved Nityananda, who gave me the name Ishan ... lived in the Santa Monica Ashram 2 years, Jan 1983 - March 1985. We must have met! :-)

But there is little desire here to focus on any story ...

My website and blog have a lot of my favorite teachings and Links, perhaps if the spirit moves you to, you can explore and offer your comments and insights ...

I will do the same on your pages as you suggested. Though I am quite happy with the Ishayas' Ascension, I am open to all pointers...

Much Love and Respect,

Charlie


Hi Charlie,

Great site!!

Yes, abiding in the awe of the Void. This is preparatory. I knew there was no I for 19 years before I really knew there was no I. I practiced both Void seeing, doing nothing and Self Inquiry. But, like you, I found following the I stupid as I knew there was no I.

Then, one day, it happened, and that subtle sense of self disappeared. But it was not so subtle. It blew me away. The clouds of thought dissipated and I was awake from the illusions of thought-like entities, as the sense of mental sleepiness with the I-thought was destroyed.

I do not know what blocks you, except, probably, like me, you think too much. Robert said I was too smart (stupid) and had a hard time not having the mind come back.

Write,

Ed


Umm. OK ... i have NO idea what is going to come out ... tap tap air blows TV Golf in BG well ... go Tiger ... yay Mickelson ...

what is the block to "final Seeing?"

I can think of two: looking for final seeing; not looking for final seeing. The latter is th ignornance of normal people, the former, of the abnormal seekers. I had stopped seeking and was just hanging with Robert. NO SEEKING AT ALL. My fate was put in his hands. I had complete faith.

Could it be as simple as the thinking there is a block or any "final seeing"?

Yes. This is part, as you are still seeking because you know you are not, but know that you know not.

I don't know.

All I REALLY know is that. I don't know. And then there is at times a sort of quiet malaise ... not really what i would call suffering ... i went through pleny of that, though, until Ishayas' Ascension came along i had serached the internet for safe and painless methods to kill this organism ... and I still have a preference that life end sooner rather than later ... hope seems like a really bad idea, that the notion that there could be a better future is SO out of mental ignorance that it rarely gets entertained. For a long time I was in a deep despair. Now the worst that happens is a short few moments of anger or sadness ... or a subtle sense of hopelessness. That hopelessness might be a GOOD thing :-)

What you call malaise, I call wisdom. As Robert said, who wants to live a thousand years brushing the same teeth, eating the same food, etc. I am a living dead man and so are you. Yet, so far it has not brought you peace, maybe you have not had the I thought exploded. Reobert saiud looking at the I thought makes it stronger. Find the source. The source is emptiness, the Void. Yet, there is no Void nor Not-Void. Both are appearances associated with the I-thought.

One day I looked and the I-thought had blown up. Maturity???? The result of 19 years of Who Am I practice???? Robert's grace??? Not giving a shit anymore because I knew it was not mine to attain???

Sometimes there is longing for final release from the mortal coil still ... and yet I honestly don't have the balls to kill myself. I part of me still wishes I could do that ... I wouldn't mind living a while longer but I do NOT want to eb around when the money runs out; I canot work (too physically run down, lots of ailments, somke serious) and Soc Security does not begin to cover bills even for a frugal life style.

Robert said old age is when things begin to get interesting.

BTW if you want to use any of this rant please feel free

Anyway, let's see if there is more to rave on about.

I am Nothing. I know that I am nothing. No Thing.

And has THAT become a subtle NEW "me" ... a "spiritual identlty...?"

Yes. Precisely. The knowledge is your new identity. But that is not the GUT EXPLODING Experience of No-I-thought. Give it up. Pet your faith in Robert if you will. I still feel his presence. Faith brings relaxation and a mind uncrowded with seeking.

Hmmm

Tony Parsons repeats that there is no hope, because, it is not there is nothing that will ever bring forth the Big Bang ... it is worse. It is that There Is No One.

"Sailor" Bob reiterates, "There is no person." That is clear as a bell. Look for a me and all I find is Absence. An Absence of the Presence of a sepaRATE "ME."

But as yet there is NOT that "Absence oF THE ABSENCE of that Presence" ... as Ramesh pointed ... to The Absolute Stateless State ...

This feels done for now.

Thanks for asking that I write.

Love,

c.

Ed

Well said, Ed ... this feels right on

there is Resonance ... with Bob, Tony and now Robert ... I too feel his presence permeating all you express ... it's lovely ... many thanks!

Love,
c.

From Susan,

Dear Ed,

I was reading your online satsangs. Some are quite invigorating!! (i.e. Eric's)
Here is my question: If the presence with me is still an object in consciousness then I can only conclude that no matter what "I" perceive in my pursuit of the Self, it is not obtainable because it is not perceivable? Or....the gap in between sleep where there is no perception is something that will awaken in this body/mind? Help!! After I really felt like someone was watching me yesterday, something happened to really scare me. I got scared that no matter what I did, I couldn't become Self-realized and that I will have to just be quiet and dissolve. I'm terrified of not existing. Susan

Susan,

You will need to articulate your questions more clearly and in detail. There seem to be three questions jumbled together.

Here is what I think you mean. No, the Self is not attainable because you are the self, always have been, always will be, before and after life. You should just rest in yourself. Then, one day, the I-thought disappears and you become the totality of consciousness.

However, consciousness is still perceived; the self-luminous Void is still perceived. Who is perceiving. If you seek this, you will reach the no I thought state--maybe--definitely if you persevere. But, it will come unexpectedly.

The next step, recognizing that everything, including the screen of consciousness is unreal, happens when you pass from consciousness, to sleep, to dreaming and find these states are only thought stuff on you. YOU, cannot be perceived.

So the best practices are either self-inquiry to find no-I-thought, or to do nothing except rest in yourself without seeking.

At this point, this is only philosophy for you. Don't think about this stuff because it is a distraction. Just abide in yourself and all will become clear. If not, you will become a not-self-realized philosopher.

Thank you. You cleared everything up for me.

Susan

From P

Good to hear from you. No plans for travel this summer. I plan to go back to Arunachula for a longer time – maybe 6 weeks -during Jan and Feb. My plan is to spend the summer getting my house ready to put on the market so that by winter I am out of the house and into some cozy apt that is easy to leave. I do not know how to explain my strong desire to return to the mountain, but it is certainly there.

P

By all means return to it. It sounds like you are not done there yet. Of course, Ramana was never done.

Thanks for the heads up about the new transcription. I am eager to read it! I continue to listen to the other 2 CD sets frequently. My hour commute gives me a lot of opportunity! What can I say in response to those CD’s? Every single thing that is thought/felt/spoken/ believed/perceived etc., is illusory. The world is only the mind’s interpretation. Minus the interpretation, there is no separate one, no world.

The world is not the mind's interpretation. The mind IS the world. The world is thought only. That is why it is called a dream. There is not something the mind interprets which becomes an illusion when interpreted. You might say mind obfuscates pure awareness.

With the seeing that there is no separate one, there is the seeing that there is no control. Somehow, when there is a slipping into what feels like a direct seeing of this Truth, as opposed to an intellectual understanding, there is such immense peace, stillness, love, joy – beyond words. And yet, there is (mostly) a barrier to the direct experience of Truth and a frequent falling into bouts (short but intense) of despair and depression, seemingly out of nowhere. There is a pulling into deeper and deeper stillness in meditation and an unshakeable disinterest in “the world.”

Yes, yes, good, good. Abide in yourself as often as possible. Self inquiry is only inverting attention to a hypothetical source; but even that is misdirection. There is no source and no manifestation. No inner, no outer. That is mind only, and mind is not real.

My draw to Ramana, years ago, was so profound. Connecting with Robert, and you, and more with Robert through you is beautiful. It feels like such a gift.

We gift each other. Robert would be happy.


Hi Ed,

A couple of weeks ago I had two dreams on back-to-back nights that really had an impact. In the second dream I was milling around with a huge number of people getting ready to run a marathon race. I decided I had better use the restroom before the race started so I looked around and located one just a few yards away. I asked a couple of people whether they thought I had time and they assured me there was more than enough time. So I jogged over and as soon as I had closed the door to the restroom, a woman started to pound on the door wanting in. I hurried and was pulling up my pants as she was shoving her way in. When I got outside, I couldn't’t believe it; there was no one there. The race had started without me. I looked down the road and could just barely see the last runner.

There was this rock solid knowing that instead of running the marathon, I was supposed to go find a spot to sit and not move. The feelings in the dream were devastating -- deep hopelessness and helplessness. There was no way to compete, much less even catch up to the other runners. And how could it be that one moment you think you are running a marathon and the next moment you know for certain you are supposed to sit still until, who knows? And what good is sitting still, and all by yourself?

Anyway, I am telling you all of this because, “It’s All A Cosmic Joke!” is the perfect answer to that dream. Something heavy carried from the dream lifted in the reading. There has remained some level of attachment to at least limping along in the marathon; and that lessened. I love Robert’s directness and humor. His words were just perfect. And so are yours in the Introduction. Thank you!

P

PS In the last email I didn't really mean that the mind interprets something that becomes an illusion when interpreted. I meant that the mind interprets that there is something when there is nothing . . . and therefore obfuscates pure awareness. (If this clarification of what I meant is not accurate, I would love to know!)


Your ego sees its own end but does not comprehend that it is liberation.

Dear Ed,

When I was at Arunachula I slept, at best, half the hours I usually sleep. I was always meditating by 3:00 am. There was this energy that seemed to replace my need to sleep. Last night I read your email a few minutes before I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night with the same energy I experienced at the mountain and was up the rest of the night. It’s still with me. Ramana spoke through Robert, Robert speaks through Ed. I feel much joy in hearing that you will begin Satsang! How perfect that you are the vehicle for this transmission in ever growing ways!

As for the dream I wrote about in the previous email, I did have a sense that there was a specific place I was supposed to go sit. My sense was that it was on the ground under a tree . It was a pretty vague sense though. My resistance was so great in the dream, I did not move; I just kind of stood in place, paralyzed.

P


P,

It is like this. When you wake in the morning and the dreams begin to disappear, it feels like cobwebs in your mind are leaving. Same with daydreaming. You come out of it and it feels like you were coming out of a mental fog.

So is it with awakening. It feels like the clouds of sleep, of mental fogginess, of ignorance are lifting. In all cases, that fog, the conceptual mind so to speak, is the apparent objects of dreams or of the world.

There is nothing except these thought forms or thought like forms. They are the beginning and end of existence. There is nothing in existence except for thought.

But, there really is not a mind. There are just thoughts, mental space cloud forms of ignorance which are the objects of dream and of the waking dream world.

To say anything about pure consciousness is a speculation of the mind, which itself does not exist. Even consciousness, pure awareness and all that are just concepts before you attain.

Then you see that ideas, concepts, images are all that anything in "reality" is and therefore, everything is unreal and mindstuff.

When Ramana talks about Consciousness like he does, it is because people needed something to hang their hats on; that is, using concepts to end concepts.

But, it is not the final truth.

There is only thought and you are not that. Those thought forms comes to you and lie on top of you so to speak, but you are not that. It, the fog of concepts and images cannot touch you.

That final truth comes to you and it is inexpressible because it is far beyond anything revealed or imagined by thought. Thought is but a poor reflection of Self and as such, cannot comprehend that which is far beyond it and greater than it.

I am not sure if I expressed myself well, or if I misunderstand what you are trying to say.


Dear Ed,

Thank-you for this email. I know what you express is the final truth. I would like to try to tell you something that happened about two years ago. I was driving to my favorite bagel store across town one morning, (thinking of nothing more profound than whether I was in the mood for a poppy seed bagel or maybe a cheese bagel) when, completely out of the blue, there was this feeling like I was in a tiny rowboat about to be completely consumed by a gigantic wave. I wanted desperately to get out of the way but it was totally impossible. There was an inner voice that said something like “You are now going to know what is true – you sincerely want to know, so you will know.” My body started to feel very strange, like it wasn’t really there, and, as soon as I parked in the parking lot (only about a minute or two passed) I completely lost all body awareness. I was taken (for lack of better words) on a journey through “everything” – all of the universes – and was shown that nothing at all was there. An impossible paradox to express but, that’s what was shown. It was like I was traveling through something that was nothing –completely empty sameness -- on and on and on, seemingly at great speed. I was given a tremendous amount of knowledge but I have no memory of the specifics other than nothing exists, despite appearances. When I came back into body awareness, I felt profound despair, depression, fear. At first I had no memory of anything in this life but I knew I was supposed to know. (I have wondered if this is how people with dementia feel.) My mind struggled frantically to find something that would make the world come back. My oldest son’s name came up and then everything in the world came back very quickly. The ego had a memory again and the world was back in place. At some point I got out of the car and walked to the bagel store. I passed by another form and, even though there was this deep confusion and despair, there was also the most amazing feeling of utter love for this form (no memory of any detail of the form). This experience has been the backdrop of everything ever since. I know that this is an experience expressed by an experiencer but, so goes the boundaries of _expression.

The fogginess you wrote about feels very true – just more (albeit fading) objects of mind. To follow this fog analogy – it feels as though there have been breakthroughs when the fog is not there. At these times, there is just awareness – like there is no container – just awareness without a boundary of a separate “me.” Not a “me” perceiving something that is separate and not “me.” At these times everything is exactly the same as it has always been but seen as completely different. But these experiences are always fleeting. Are these truly experiences of the fog lifting – if it comes back, did it ever really go away completely? Is awakening always something sudden and lasting or is it possible for the fog to slowly lift and then be permanently gone?

Thanks,
P