26 July 2009

Dearest Ed,
A couple of weeks ago, you recommended I read and ponder Pradeep's 'Nisargadatta Gita' daily.
It was so profound - and obvious! - that it struck like a lightning bolt. My practice and conviction intensified. The 'light episodes' got more intense and it felt like I was being vacuumed clean from 'above' by a very powerful Dyson!
Initially, I felt elated. "At last ..." I thought, "... this would be the source of unalloyed happiness, joy, bliss!"
Well, that's what thought did!!! The original 'I Am' seemed to 'change' and become all fuzzy. It even split off into 'unreal?' bits??
During these 2 weeks, I appear to have been going through a whole range of 'weirdness.' I'm still 'passing out' every day for hours - and come back (it seems) on the realisation that I haven't been breathing. There's a bit of panic with this and my chest feels crushed empty. I've been boiling hot, freezing cold, my body hurts everywhere - it even feels like there's a wee alien taking footsteps under my skin - and nothing makes any sense anymore. I'm forgetful, confused, can't think straight. I can't talk to anyone either, like I've developed a fear of connecting with people.
It appears I'm literally going to go nuts and/or just burst right open at the seams with the seeming immensity of the 'problem' that I appear to have been 'stuck' on for the last few days (despite intense practice etc.)
There's this total and utter emptiness, desolation, despair, aloneness ... nothingness ... pointlessness. Disappointment. Anger that I've been 'lied' to ... cheated ... that all this time I've been looking to uncover the bliss of my True Nature ... the God within ... and there's absolutely nothing there.
I'm inquiring as to whom all this comes but just seem to be in the same space. Nowhere. No-one there.
It's like I've died to everything ... even to hope itself.
I would sooooo very much appreciate any direction you can offer Ed in what appears to be a very dark time.
I've been calling out to Robert for help and surrendering all this 'appearance' to him. All I'm aware of is "All is well and everything is unfolding exactly as it should." I'm hanging onto that!!
Love, G

Your true nature is neither emptiness or fullness. You are beyond both.

All these experiences you are having have nothing to do with you;
these are happenings in the consciousness you identified yourself
with. That emptiness nature is the nature of pure consciousness.

The not breathing means your entire being is relaxing and going beyond
body identification.

What is happening to you over days is what happened to me over a few hours.

There is absolutely nothing to fear, you are being liberated.


Thank you so much for your reassurance Ed.
Love G

15 July 2009

Someone who never met Robert composed this fantastic love poem:

“God, God, God.”
Your violin arrived, Robert, but the answers to the equations weren’t
forthcoming. Instead … just a deafening symphony of silence. It put Brahms, Beethoven and Mendelssohn – even Narada Muni – to shame. There you were – lost in an imponderable composition that never was, but still went on forever. You saw the Limitless masquerade as the finite and dance in consummate stillness. That earned you an “F.” Well done. So … there’s no sky, and there’s no blue. It sounds like perfect kite weather, Robert. Let’s call in “gone for Now” And meet at Warner Park. Play musical chairs around a picnic table with benches? Only you could pull it off. You’re completely nuts, ya know – that’s what I love about you the most. When the harmonium stops playing, just save me a seat on your lap. Now it’s off to India, off to Hawaii, off to Oregon – And back to LA just in time for a cup of chai with Ed and Bodhi. Of course you never went anywhere – where could you possibly go? I miss you. Oh, how I miss you. I was never in your presence, But you were always by my side. Next time, if I don’t turn my head and face you, Just give me a little pinch to remind me that it’s all a dream. Now the peacock has been fed. Flowers lie on Lakshmi’s samadhi, And Dimitri has long since taken his final walk on the waning plane of storied yesterdays. I must have blinked and missed it all. Tell me one last time how everything came to pass, Robert – It’s not real, but it’s a beautiful, beautiful lie. You say took a lawyer to confession, did you? Too bad the confession of a jnani isn’t admissible in court. The magistrate just can’t find a box large enough to contain the Infinite. So I guess Reality will have to be our little secret. You’re such a mischief maker, Robert. You really had me going. For a while there, I almost listened your words – Instead of drinking all the love you offered in a single draught.