Hello,
I am that which knows the coming and going of the state of being.
There was this complete fullness so to speak, complete within itself and then spontaneously the rising of the sense of being was known. This occurred during waking up from sleep. I am not able to understand this state.
I know what I am...I am non-conceptual...but now this wants to be captured in words...painful and confusing....words need to conceptulize me...I turn to you for some assistance.
I always recognized my sense of being..aware and unadorned by concepts as the space that I was...but when I now see that that too is rising and setting in what I really am...I am lost for words to understand......
On what is this knowing resting then?
thank you ....
n.
RESPONSE:
> I am that which knows the coming and going of the state of being.
Yes, this is perfect understanding.
> There was this complete fullness so to speak, complete within itself and
> then spontaneously the rising of the sense of being was known. This occurred
> during waking up from sleep.
Yes, this is how it is usually first seen.
I am not able to understand this state.
> I know what I am...I am non-conceptual...but now this wants to be captured
> in words...painful and confusing....words need to conceptulize me...I turn
> to you for some assistance.
>
All conceptualizations are only philosophy, empty, transitory,
illusion. You must learn how to accept knowing nothing.
> I always recognized my sense of being..aware and unadorned by concepts as
> the space that I was...but when I now see that that too is rising and
> setting in what I really am...I am lost for words to understand......
Don't you see? What you are is entirely beyond the mind and cannot be
captured in words or concepts. There is no need to understand; just
be.
TO ME:
thank you Ed... in deep gratitude...
n.
TO ME:
i was just getting down to sending you a reply to the first email once again.. :)
The self or whatever it is..is so un-contrived...spontaneous and self sufficient...that is seen in ordinary moments of just simple being. No words needed to be...simply are.
When these various states or experiences occur, there is an attempt to understand it..when the experience itself is not requiring that.. :) it also just is...
and you have so correctly stated..all explanations are only about the state of existence...and therefore the correct answer in all respects is that ..you are unborn...that shuts any more concept building.
Ed..the clarity that these words you have written, also cannot be captured in words...i can only say..thank you!
n.
RESPONSE:
Write any time. Those who are close to liberation are a joy to talk to.
TO ME, THREE MONTHS LATER:
Dearest Ed,
I thank you for your love that you share so very very graciously. And I know that it is none other than my heart.
Every word expressed here melts into the joy that I am.
When we had communicated earlier, you had said just be.... :) what clarity in that message. Yes, just being is all that I am. Simply love. Every rising, every expression just me. I am in awe of this wonder that dances in all. No experience is looked for, no state is harnessed. The freedom I am is inexpressible. Tears, joy, no joy.... everything subsumed in this that I am. Even fears are welcomed as magical! I need nothing.
What can I say....when every flower silently points back with love and joy.
Ed...thank you for your kindness... :)
love all ways,
n.
RESPONSE: (I use Gmail, which is sometimes confusing, as the responses are not automatically tied to the questions. I could not find a response that seemed to fit this message)
TO ME, ANOTHER TWO MONTHS LATER:
Dearest Ed,
... with deep gratitude and love...thank you sir for all your help, in every which way....
I have been meaning to write to you but always stopped short...this moment felt different...so I went ahead...:)
There is a deep realization, that there can be no knowing of what I am...for whatever is known, I am present to know it, so to speak. There is always a background, if I can use that term, on which there is a reflection...And that background IS eternally me....
This realization came through observing the functioning while being awake and also Being the fullness that was experienced in sleep. There is a clear understanding that I am prior to that fullness as well....
Now, as I write these words...there is deep peace and rest. There is an unshakeable knowing that everything is of the same essence, no matter how it appears, no matter how it is described, no matter what....
Nothing else but gratitude to express right now in this moment..thank you...
love all ways,
n.
RESPONSE:
Remember, even that "background" is observed, and is not you. What you are is unknowable. The background is observed and known. It is still part of phenomenality.
That background is the sublimest form of I Am, of the Void and consciousness. It is still not you. It comes to you and is apprehended by you.
Ed
TO ME:
Yes dear Ed, that is exactly what I am trying to convey really....what I am is unknowable...
that is what i was trying to express in the words..."that there can be no knowing of what I am...for whatever is known, I am present to know it, so to speak"
For as you have aptly described it...for which I have no words...the sublimest form too is known...that too is experienced by me....
in deep gratitude,
n.
RESPONSE:
Good, you have it perfectly. Yes, what you are cannot be known as an understanding in consciousness. But in a larger sense, you know who you are by just being who you are. It is a different way of knowing.
TO ME:
Thank you dear Ed for all that you have shared...
On another note, I would like to share a bit of the story if I may call it, of this journey... :)
I was born in India and have lived there most of my life...for the last 3 years I have been in the United States traveling with my family.
Ever since I can remember I have searched...looked... for something...like most 'seekers'.
The search led me to drop philosophy, in which I was training and go a live in the mountains...:) anyway, I did get back and complete my training, I don't teach though...might get to doing that...one never knows what can spring up...:)
Moment to moment if one can call it ever since I was a little girl...there was an earnestness...very very deep...to get to the bottom of this understanding....I rejected everything that sprung up as an insight, identification. I just could not identify anything as "this I am"......then there was the experience which I wrote to you about...the fullness felt complete in and of itself....prior to the sense of being..a sort of watching of the rising of being.
Your advice to 'be' was in words like a bolt of lightening. Stopped the movement in the tracks so to speak. And gradually this 'be-ing' just deepened...and what I expressed to you right now, came as a realization.....now, there is just resting, if I can call it anything...
I have also read on your website the emphasis you place on 'practice'. Yes, the unravelling, the discrimination is essential to some sort apparent balance....this 'self' being so very very complex in the poses adopted can be very fascinating...
I am always available on this email id...if there is any way that I can be of any help...please let me know...
in deep deep gratitude Guruji,
n.
ps...it felt wonderful addressing you as that... :) thank you!
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