02 April 2010

Dear Ed,

Thank you for your response.

I had a couple of questions.  One, at least, I think just got answered while reading "Autobiography of a Jnani". These questions focus on one, my long-term predicament and two, my previous long-term discomfort and conclusions.  

As I have stated previously, I try to not get lost in the past or swirling experiences, hell or high. They come and they go.  I have preferences.  I retain some memories.  And I maintain some conclusions concerning these states. ( At times I became concerned trying to understand what occurred: was it deep enough or long enough, did I work through it completely, can I relate it well? Often times I remain clueless. That aside, what I notice does consistently occur for years now, I think, is not knowing. And as you say, "stay stupid". This, to me, has been my predicament. And my greater sense of frustration/discomfort stemmed from my conclusion that all I could see was what was empty, dead, not real me--neti, neti. Thus after so many states my mood calcified into "it did not matter" or it was not enough, or I was deluding myself.

Then we began interacting more.  As I said it took effort to practice and turn attention away from effortless, pervading ease (without body boundary), and try to locate a heavier me, a form of I AM, and start there.

I surrendered more and tweaked my practice while remaining engaged with life.  As you know I believed I started understanding and experiencing moments of Turiya (?), and extended hours of Bliss. So I began to see what did matter again, to begin dropping conclusions, and to see the more liberating, transcendent awareness that "it does not matter." For peace, by definition, must be pervasive in all things in all conditions, and I am that--otherwise it is a concept, a feeling, an experience, no?

My question was based around what to do with this--my on-going predicament of never knowing. To clarify, for me it is as Robert and you say, a dream.  At each moment how can I say I persist? At each moment, sure there seems to be feeling and history and importance--just like a sleeping dream--we start fully engaged and active in the dream--and we believe time and space unfolded up to that point that we noticed we were participating...  Awake dreaming is not different.  In each moment.. In each moment...

Awareness of dreaming still feels so real. There is clearly still varying degrees of "me". Yet who can say this? Where? Who practiced and experienced? Prove it.  It is all packets of thought: forms, charged with emotions. So as experience is noticed it is already dead thought--removed, an object... Any person, place, thing, memory is little more than a parameter of thought with a sense of denseness, etc., as is the distinction inside and outside the body, past and future, me and you...  Thus neti, neti and my unfortunate sense that it didn't matter. Though this too is already dead, with a hangover quality that seems to persist. (Before I had some greater peace.)  My further concern and question was how do I more readily let go this frustration, this conclusion that it is not enough and deepen my awareness and attention to pervading peace? 

Then I read in Autobiography of a Jnani, end of page 47

"The Void exists as a property of mental space and contains all of consciousness, but is not you. This is a property of the subtle body, which in turn is also a concept. Deeper is the causal body, which is a deeper Void; no experience here is possible. Only total not knowing.

You are beyond both as the subject. Your only knowledge of your deepest existence comes from awareness of that which is not you; i.e., consciousness, Void, the body and the world. You can only BE that deepest self."

I am sure this awareness is light years off for me, and I remember you stating this point before, but this time, at least intellectually it does seem to deepen my understanding and relax my awareness.  How obvious.  How simple. I smile. For I more readily admit what occurs, buried --that stillness is peace is pervasive is non-local is me. What freedom it must be to fully be this in all things! To finally deeply see "it does not matter." 

If I see this truly,  this selected answer to my question builds faith to honor not knowing, what you always reinforce to me?

Am I correct? 

Is this useful to sit with or am I again cramming too many thoughts seeking certainty?

Thank you for your time yet again.
Peace, peace,



Indeed, you are thinking far too much. Speculating, endeavoring to capture some understanding.

Instead, you must become a scientist. Just watch the I Am. Also be aware that you are watching I Am. 

Then allow yourself to become I Am. Identify with the totality.

Feel the background of consciousness if you can, then try to back into the background with a sense of falling into it.

Play with the exploration.

What you are doing is philosophizing, which is trying to substitute intellectual understanding with true realization which has nothing to do with understanding.

Understanding is of the mind. Realization is a kind of understanding that arises before the mind.

Spiritual knowledge is entirely different from worldly knowledge. It comes from silent observation and contemplating the words of the various Gita's and realized persons. But don't take their words literally. They are only pointers to set off something deep in you. If they set off your mind in speculation, they have not done their job properly. Let them do their job by just observing. 

Just watch. Just investigate. Just identify and play, and pay not attention to all the thoughts that come up and ruin investigation.


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