I've found my true master, who is guiding me all day long.
Let's call it consciousness as what I feel or see, seems to
match the descriptions that I find in spiritual texts.
When the attention is focused on consciousness, the thoughts
loose their power and it's like I'm falling asleep but still awake.
I clearly feel this technic that I remember you named "hara" or
something like this, with this energy descending in the belly and
this feeling of becoming completly stupid.
Yet, in my experience, I find that this stupidity is in fact really
bright, alive, because the hypnotic, repetitive, and disgusting part
of the tought process falls alseep while life itself fills in the gasp.
Finally, one becomes infinitly more intelligent, loving, attentive,
quite, still, than when constantly trying to battle and fix the thoughts.
The toughts are always promising salvation, better moments, in the future, or turn back to nostalgy when the present or future are dark.
The problem is that the very thinking about past and future is putting oneself in complete darkness itself. As you said, "imaginary space".
It's like hypnosis. A compulsive energetic movement towards "I". "I this", "I that", and then when "I" get born, "others" get born, "he this", "she that", then the world gets born, the policitcs, and so on, and so on.
In my last observations, I see the so called "Ego" as a moving energy, or, I'd rather say, energy blockages which the body is tirelessly trying to push away. Sometimes one can feel the ego in the brain, next moment in the belly, in the muscles. It's just a bad play of energy happening, even a disease seems to be like that.
Even more, I feel sometimes that my body is not limited to the visible body. I perceive energy movements outside of me, very subtle ones, particularly in front of me. And I observed that the ego energy was taking source here, outside the body. Well, maybe it's only a matter of viewpoint.
What is terrible with this mind/consciousness game, because it's nothing but a game, is that as soon as the "I" gets born, it begins to scratch and the hypnotic compulsion to fix things, "problems", appear.
Practice consists in losing this bad habit and staying quite in consciousness, beeing 200% trustfull with her, and more important than that, to see absolutly that *nothing else* can bring fullfilment in life. Nothing, no friendship, no wife or husband, no job, no status or fame. Staying in the arms of consciousness is the only fullfilment, anything else is bonus.
What is even more funny is to be more detached with day to day life. I'm still a computer engineer doing my job as good as I can, and I see how the others are involved in their story. Maybe I'm wrong about them, because it's not that easy to know how much one is involved just by watching his or her actions. I'm myself involved sometimes, but less often than before. Much less. I know my path back "home".
Thats's why I began this email by saying that I've found my true master. Not that your help is unnecessary, because it *is* to me. Who else can talk about this around me ? Nobody, you know.
Your light is much appreciated in this life.
Thank you for reading, Ed, and again for the website which is a gold mine for any thirsty human beeing,