My deepest heartfelt gratitude for being an authentic Source for the teachings of yourself and Robert. Thank you for being here as a salvation of insight for the rest of us…the rest of you.
I know that you must be inundated—and I struggle with providing minimal context to ask a relevant question. I refrained from asking you questions, until I felt that I had worked along the path. Often, I would reflect on the question I had…formulate it…and it would magically be answered during the pages I turned that week.
I admire the talent that you and Robert have for articulating all of ‘this’ in very expressive and relational way with brilliant clarity and such concise terms. I beg your forgiveness for probably not finding the right balance here. I will attempt to provide the minimal context in the hopes of providing just enough to receive some meaningful insight or guidance.
“The Power that knows the way” allowed me to find you in Feb09….and through you, to find the gift of more transcripts and recorded sessions from Robert. Prior to this I had lived on a very limited library of Roberts’ and Lester Levensons’ original works which required a lot of tenacity and winnowing to find; but they resonated with me. Before I wrote to you, I had poured through both your Orange and Blue websites with voracity and enthusiasm. It was wonderful. I lived vicariously by listening to the blog posts but the level of questions and guidance on the Blog seemed to be well beyond me …or on a different path.
The day I received the USB key, I printed it all and placed it in a 3-ring binder and have worked with it ever since. I know that the instructions were to read it through as an overview first, and then to come back and read/work through it slowly…a paragraph at a time. Things had changed in my ‘life situation’ and given the gift of more time during the day, the second approach seemed to speak to me more. Diligently working with it over the next 8 months, I then took 2 months to reflect on what my heart had absorbed and to review ‘flagged’ pages where a question or confusion had arisen. Synergistically I found solace in listening to the Satsang recordings at night ( I would listen through 5 -10 at night before falling asleep to it; or stopping after reflecting on a ‘good point’ or witnessing a reaction that I was having to a question or the ‘drifting’ of the group. And because I am an early riser, I would often listen to a number of Satsangs in the morning or abide in the silence, before the rest of the household awoke. I would stop when my cat, my guru of stillness/joy and presence in the moment, would sit triumphantly on top of the open pages…as if to say ‘Enough, now it’s my turn!’
My question is:
Where I am now, a depth of peace has been added to the compassion and stillness that were already there (must have been work done before). A reverence for all life and a oneness with it has been second-nature to me. Periods of ‘mindlessness’ are extensive and contiguous—these were present before but not with the clarity of no-thing-ness that pervades the experience now. Having died to the world, or it for me…laughing at the ‘things’ that used to have a grip or hook for me has come swiftly, with clarity. Much has fallen away. But the landscape is awash in “neutrality”…not joy or endless bliss. Don’t misunderstand though—I do experience ephemeral glimpses that bring tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart….but they are fleeting. I emerged to this landscape over a calendar year ago through an experience that you described where you were wrapped in this ‘orgasmic’ rapture…for me it lasted about 2 weeks until I was able to go more adeptly ‘into’ the feeling and it instantly dissipated. I have patiently awaited growth or evolvement or an unfolding…but all is still neutrality.
Here, I need to add just one more past experience, that is relevant. When Robert speaks of the joy that is beyond what anyone can imagine…I understand. I have to take less on faith than most. In my youth I was blessed with a glimpse…or a reminder, depending on your perspective. Regardless of the circumstances that led to it, I experienced death….many minutes within a hospital ER…to the point that ‘it was a risk’ to bring me back. There were many experiences buried within this event but the concise version would be that after emerging through the final defiant/resistant act of the mind-body…there I was above it all…witnessing the entire event…without a ‘care in the world’. Language will never express this, but I felt as if a mantle weighing 10+ tons had cracked and fallen off my shoulders…all fear was gone…there was only this enveloping warmth…golden/sparkling/
myriads of crystalline light…oneness without distinction…everything was love…everything was joy…all a continuum. There was brilliant clarity there. The experience left me full of laughter, joy and transparency for at least 2 years (very unnerving for nursing/therapist/docs who were administering painful therapy)…and it erased all fear of death for me. Finding my way ‘back there’ and surrendering my life to ‘thy will’ has been the journey to date. Suffice it to say, the world won me back over time…wearing me down, when I could not find a path back…or a master….or a guide …in the rural settings of my youth. I conformed to the world, moved on, but remained changed. There are times when ‘all is well’ is a knowing because there is a resonance to this experience and there is a flash of clarity or understanding that comes with it.
Now, awash in neutrality, looking for ‘thy will be done’ to find me--- a path forward…within the world…but not of the world—compatible with beingness. I work on trusting in spontaneity and only ask for the strength, wisdom, clarity and courage to do what will be asked. In spite of massive changes and challenges within my ‘life situation’, there is peace and stillness but not this boundless joy and bliss. Although already realized, as we all are, appearing to be adrift in my ability to awaken to the true Self.
Any insight or guidance?
Namaste, Master Ed----gratefully yours, J.
Response withheld pending further info from J.