A couple of weeks ago, you recommended I read and ponder Pradeep's 'Nisargadatta Gita' daily.
It was so profound - and obvious! - that it struck like a lightning bolt. My practice and conviction intensified. The 'light episodes' got more intense and it felt like I was being vacuumed clean from 'above' by a very powerful Dyson!
Initially, I felt elated. "At last ..." I thought, "... this would be the source of unalloyed happiness, joy, bliss!"
Well, that's what thought did!!! The original 'I Am' seemed to 'change' and become all fuzzy. It even split off into 'unreal?' bits??
During these 2 weeks, I appear to have been going through a whole range of 'weirdness.' I'm still 'passing out' every day for hours - and come back (it seems) on the realisation that I haven't been breathing. There's a bit of panic with this and my chest feels crushed empty. I've been boiling hot, freezing cold, my body hurts everywhere - it even feels like there's a wee alien taking footsteps under my skin - and nothing makes any sense anymore. I'm forgetful, confused, can't think straight. I can't talk to anyone either, like I've developed a fear of connecting with people.
It appears I'm literally going to go nuts and/or just burst right open at the seams with the seeming immensity of the 'problem' that I appear to have been 'stuck' on for the last few days (despite intense practice etc.)
There's this total and utter emptiness, desolation, despair, aloneness ... nothingness ... pointlessness. Disappointment. Anger that I've been 'lied' to ... cheated ... that all this time I've been looking to uncover the bliss of my True Nature ... the God within ... and there's absolutely nothing there.
I'm inquiring as to whom all this comes but just seem to be in the same space. Nowhere. No-one there.
It's like I've died to everything ... even to hope itself.
I would sooooo very much appreciate any direction you can offer Ed in what appears to be a very dark time.
I've been calling out to Robert for help and surrendering all this 'appearance' to him. All I'm aware of is "All is well and everything is unfolding exactly as it should." I'm hanging onto that!!
Your true nature is neither emptiness or fullness. You are beyond both.
All these experiences you are having have nothing to do with you; these are happenings in the consciousness you identified yourself with. That emptiness nature is the nature of pure consciousness.
The not breathing means your entire being is relaxing and going beyond body identification to nothingness. It happened to me, to Ramana and to Rajiv. Usually the breathlessness is associated with a "heart" location.
What is happening to you over days is what happened to me over a few hours. You feel like there is nobody home to watch the farm, so who is in charge? Right?
There is absolutely nothing to fear, you are being liberated.
Thank you so much for your reassurance Ed.
TO ME SIX WEEKS LATER:
My present state...?
I am lost for words. I am overcome.
Wide Awake in Awesome Wonder!
There is the firm conviction of my True Nature, beyond all 'states.' Unborn. Pure.
Time stands Still in Silence. I am continually forgetting the 'dream' of 'me' and abiding in Heavenly Peace.
All is the Light.
I became a 'Lamp Unto MySelf' ... Your Light, Grace, and that of the Masters, Illumined The Way ... Perfectly.
There arose a spontaneous 'pull' to return to the hospice, to comfort those in 'darkness,' with the 'awareness' that 'I' do nothing.
In Reverence, Love and Gratitude I bow,