I was awake and roiling inside all night, so today has jittery unhinged feeling. I'm very aware of my subtle body, energy low but swirling. Can't rest.
More cycles of sadness and some thinking about the past. I go to the zen center on Sat. Two friends are receiving Inka as new teachers. I've known them both since the first day they visited the Zen center. Sometimes I was the only person in the building on Saturdays, so I greeted a lot of visitors over the years. These two guys both seemed at home immediately.
I still think Seun Sahn’s school setup is effective for the first 3 or 4 years, then people leave.
I feel kind of melancholy, too. I was a very good teacher during and after graduate school, had all kinds of jobs ....felt like I could teach anything ...just loved that exchange. But I couldn't maintain it well enough over the years and gave it up.
So all the sad feelings are also arising, as I see these guys both kind of fly through life happy and healthy. I don't have great control over how I feel lately ... My stuffing feelings down abilities are no-existent. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed in the crowd on Sat. I'll just have to keep focused on other people, forget my self concerns.
I just feel so volatile inside, like I have a solar flare in my belly.
Being both sad and irritated like an inflammation inside is exhausting and leaves me lonely.
I like your last posts on the blog. Your writing is so clear and pointed.
I'll tell you a secret: I am always burning, like a simmering volcano. But the fires are not hot; it is the intensity of my own pure being without thought and which dissolves all emotions in pure welcoming and joy!
Light, energy, love, the fires of the Life Force--all seething, boiling. Oh how wonderful to be so alive!!
All the negativity and thought is being burned out of you. You have already seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have faith in your path.
You are doing well, but you cannot see it yet.
PS: Don’t be envious of the two, they will be teaching beginning students who will stay three years. This is called Kindergarten. You have entered the graduate school of spirituality.