My Evolving "Depression"

Now it is a vast inner emptiness, self-illumined, entirely merged with the outer emptiness of the world, through which the depression passes. It flows through the viscera and muscles of my body, and through the larger sense of presence like a vast ship slowly moving through an empty sea.  No bliss, no ecstacy, just the energy field of depression, moving slowly, embracing the entirety of my presence.  An amazing experience, unobscured by any other phenomena. The whole universe is pervaded by sadness.

Everything still, calm, unmoving, except the loss of Little Red, scouring my soul.

Even the personhood of Ed is a ghostly presence in the emptiness, like a cloud, no longer self-aware, just another object.

I am the Void, deep calm, I am Ed, I am depression. I am the container and the contained, and it is all me, yet strangely, it does not touch me much. It just is.

I could choose to identify with Ed, with the Void, with the depression, or everything at once, the oneness.  But I am letting the identification choose itself.  Yesterday it was with my body and the sense of presence, today it is with the totality embraced by the Void. From this identification viewpoint, Ed and the body do not really exist.  They are like phantoms suspended in emptiness.

Fortunately, all my medical reports are done and I don't have anything to do except write this and feed my cats.

COMMENT TO ME:

Edji, is it really not sticking to some degree? And how can you say the depression does not touch you much when it goes on for days and days?

It may be coming and going, or flowing through you, but you have been depressed a lot since you realized Little Red wad dying. There has been [what seems to be] a kind of emotional self-indulgence, definitely beyond any description written by a jnani that I have ever read. 

Not making a judgment, or even saying 'self-indulgence' in any emotion is wrong; but you have said repeatedly that you are not all that touched, and your demeanor would indicate otherwise. 

I'm not talking about concepts, but a direct feeling of you as it emanates from your posts.

Would you clarify this.

Ed’s Response:

Yes, the state today is much like the intensity of my original awakening state in 1995 now. Just a vast emptiness, inner and outer merged, no Ed anymore, no personal. The identification is with everything today, unlike yesterday.

Actually things and states are changing quite rapidly. Even the quality of "depression" changes daily, for “depression” is just a word, the actual experience is ineffable, but I am trying to convey the “fragrance” of that experience in words some might understand.

There are no other affects. Love, anger, fear, all are gone. Just a sense of a dense energy moving through the totality of me.

What I am indulging in is that I have the free time to explore melancholia, bereavement, more closely and deeply than ever before.

Why on earth would I want to rush through this experience? It is new, it is deep and totally involving and allows me to see how everything is put together. Why rush? Red died just five days ago, how much time are you allowing? One day? Three? Five? A year? It does not matter; it is unfolding at its own pace.

As a matter of fact, you will find few teachers anywhere describing their inner states this way. They want you to project what it is you want into them, such as peacefulness, vitality, love, and anything they might state about what they really think of feel could lead to the busting of your projections.

Also, many teachers believe that students don't want them to be seen as anything like their students, for what is there to learn then? But really, everyone is about the same.

What I am trying to show you is how to stay with feelings no matter how "apparently" painful they may appear to persons not used to feeling deeply. You need to have patience for as long as the process lasts, no matter how deep or “painful” the feeling may initially feel.  This means you need to trust yourself.

If you can't feel deeply, you can't stay still long enough to feel and enjoy the voids, or create the space for bliss and ecstasies either. You can watch all this stuff pass through YOU, who is unmoving. You are the patient, accepting host; everything experienced is a guest.

(Actually, the more advanced teaching is:  Sometimes you are the host, sometimes the guest, sometimes both.  But in the description above, I was trying to describe the host position clearly.)