19 September 2012

Little Red Aftermath

My depression regarding Little Red's death is deepening.

I fully feel the tragedy that Robert called this earth the lowest of hells.  The story of how PETA, ASFPCTA, the Madison County Sheriff and the courts destroyed Caboodles just reinforces it.  I have see that legalized crime used against so many rescuers, accused of animal neglect or cruelty, having all the animals impounded, the owner sent to jail, and half the animals killed in the shelters for minor diseases, or being too old, and they call it a rescue.  Then they charge the former own hundreds of thousands of dollars for providing "care" for the animals they abducted.

My depression has changed.  I cannot function.  I can barely move.  But my mind and body feel clear.  My consciousness is empty and light.  The heaviness of three days ago is gone, but that heaviness, in a way, was so comforting, like a gentle blanket comforting a broken heart.

Now that heart is exposed to the light of finality of Red's non-being, of all the Caboodles cats dying and the desperate loneliness, and anger Craig must feel about his loss.

Yes, I also feel a gentle anger, both at "What Is" for taking that most gentle soul, Red from me, and taking him away into the dissolution of the Void.  He was such a gentle soul, and Lakshmi's constant attendant.

What I feel is like a a dry gentle wind blowing through my heart, causing it to shrivel a little before its dryness, but also filling my larger sense of presence with a restiness, a need to stop and lie still, thinking not of what to do today, dropping all chores to be done, and just settle into the grief.

How is it felt?  Like a great aloneness spread throughout my body and the surrounding presence you might say of my soul.  A waiting for a permeating deadness to move off or up in one way of another.  A waiting for Little Red's death to pass through me, and to let go of him and his presence.


  1. Wow! What a portrait you just painted on the canvas of my heart, a portrait alive with feeling and emotion and sensation. Thanks for this precious peek into your current state. With Great Love!

  2. Dive in, keep swimming, only come up for air if you have to.

  3. Condolences to you Ed. All will pass through you.

  4. Your ability to completely lose all of yourself to a movement of emotion is really stunning. I envy you apparent ability to not resist any of it. Is it easier to this knowing there is no one there to hurt?

  5. That is not it. I own it as a person but don't resist it. I just relax into it, letting it take me completely. I could, if I choose, identify with the emptiness part of the inner void, but that waythe emotion does not touch the personal, the Ed. I wand Ed to be there. That way the emotion is more real, and Ed grows, changes.

    1. "I wand Ed to be there. That way the emotion is more real, and Ed grows, changes."

      So touching!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. what you are describing makes me the message of the christ more clear now !
    if we are not able to be crucified ,going across the unbearable suffering, it is impossible to be free from this incarnation on earth . So it seems like every one will have to do that to go away from this hell !
    And people like him or you help to understand that final way .
    Life on earth is not for beeing happy ! it seems like more we are close to Love, , like you , more the suffering is becoming intense and appears as completely absurd, without reason, as it was just a sting to accelerate the transformation !
    i am just feeling that !
    much love for you Edj/krishna !

  7. I wonder if it is even possible without first having experienced 'deeper' layer of consciousness. I mean before i stumbled upon something 'behind' this 'ordinary' state i resisted emotions consciously or unconsciously, but now it seems that there is no fear to experience them, even if so called 'bad' emotions arise, there is same attitude as having 'good' emotions. It is strange, how these emotions, if allowed to move fully through, transforms into peace, deep peace. Fundamentally, I think our believes shapes this energy to appear in whatever way, we choose ourselves whether to suffer or not(allow or not) when e-motion is there.