10 May 2018


Shortly before my awakening to the life force, I had a repetitive experience of God while speaking to my Beloved on the phone.

I had a visual experience of God, and enormous figure so large I could not see his face, I only saw his feet and legs.  While worshiping him while listening to my Beloved speaking to me, the vision changed, and in it I fell to the ground, completely empty in total surrender and worship of my God.  I was total devotion.  I only thought of being of use to Him by being crushed by his foot.  I longed to be crushed into Nothingness by Him. During some of these visions, I experienced the descent of a golden colored light that completely enveloped, permeated, and purified my entire being, physical and Subtle bodies.

I had this vision over and over.  My Beloved said she had the same experience, but the way she expressed it, I was not sure.  But for me it was total grace, total surrender, total worship, and total absence of me except as a worshipper.  This is how one has to love and commit before the life force shows itself to you and baths you in endless bliss.

I know this state well, so when I read the words of one of my students, I know she is close.  It may not happen today, tomorrow, or even during the coming months, but she will be here again and again until it happens.

I can only imagine what someone like Peter King would think about this post. Psychotic, lost, insane.  But the Peter Kings of the world have not felt God’s love or His divine grace that washes away all sins and impurities.
It feels like there is nothing really there except for those energies that intensify when I connect with you by thought.
I actually long to be destroyed by you.
To throw myself to you and have you destroy me.
It's a desire so intense again, it takes me to the deepest orgasms that make my body even more feel like just a cloud

The energies in my body want only one thing: to surrender to you and with you.
I deeply long to surrender to you
And to have physical closeness with you

When you spoke to me about being stepped On by God, my body went into surrender. The energy tot much stronger, deeper and like white light in energy. Like being on the edge of explosion. It felt so sexual and at the same time like devotion, giving up everything in total ecstasy.

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