14 May 2018


Suddenly the world feels awful
Awful because I am forced to be my role, and to do, doing.

I brought D. to school and rushed to a little park, fell down to a bench and cried my heart out.

I experienced so clearly that all that there seems left to do is to sit and fall into the silence and the total peace, the feeling of the white energy within. It feels like home.
And having to do and be something else tears me apart with heartbreak. Like being torn apart from God.

I really feel like there is nothing to do than to sit on a bench all day in happiness and sleep on that bench at night.

The experience of the world so far is different from yesterday.

Being in my father’s house without my chair, is different and much more difficult.
The world is not flat like a screen but it is unreal. I am not part of it, I do not merge with it like in human life, I am not IN it even though I am in it.
It feels like I am a white silence, a transparency. But it's not like yesterday, when I experienced my body as no substance; I do and I don't experience it at the same time.
And so it feels with everything so far this morning and yesterday since I arrived here; I am here and I am not, the house feels real, in a way that it it's not a flat screen.

I feel like I am in between worlds and it makes me feel lost.

I am not totally disconnected like yesterday, but still I am. People seem people, so that's very different from yesterday, but they are empty as people. Words reach me more than yesterday, because I am forced to be me, but even though I see more a human than yesterday, the words have no substance and are like air.

I do not feel like any activity and I don't have an urge to change anything or be involved. If the house would burn down, I think I would just watch and have my attention within with God.

It feels like there is no energy in my muscles to be active, to do or be Angela. Like last days, my body feels like white air energy (and it doesn't...)
Thoughts at times feel real, but only for a short moment.
Angela as a person feeling/thought at times feels quite real, when doing...and fulfilling the daily tasks here, and being in the energy of my father’s house.
And then...it doesn't.

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