22 November 2014

I am So Much More Than I had Ever Dreamed

My teacher used to say everything is Consciousness. But day to day, he said his world was like anyone else's except he knew everything was Consciousness. He rarely talked about bliss, mostly about Peace Beyond Understanding, and he said the self and the world were illusions, there was only Consciousness, self-contained.

On the other hand, recently I was talking to a well-known Kundalini teacher and he said everything was Shakti. And he would not explain further, and explained his progressive states of Samadhis and Bliss. But he didn't talk of Self, or of I, just said for him,everything is Shakti, bliss.

Now I have known for a long time that everything was Consciousness, but I was not a thing. Consciousness appeared to me. I was the Witness.

But 'I' also know the Self. I have no idea of what this I is, except I am it. But it feels and perceives itself as alive, existent, and the knowledge of this identity is overwhelming to me.

This Self I could call my beloved. I cannot describe it, but I see it within as light, energy, and sheer knowledge of Self, knowledge so powerful that is has the sheer density and gravity of the flesh, or a sixth sense, and is extremely powerful. Knowing myself.

I can no longer explain in simple 3 word sentences what is or what I am, as that misses to much.

I cannot say all is Consciousness and have it mean anything to me anymore. Ditto, everything is Shakti or bliss. I know what it is like to be Love, to be Bliss, to be Parabrahman, the Absolute Witness. Nor do I identify with the Void that I dwelled in for over 12 years, an all pervading lighted space that permeated everything. Nor am I just the sense of an energetic presence that pervades my body and the world around me as an intelligent energy.

There is no nuance or discrimination in those states. One is only an observer, the Unborn, prior to Consciousness. Or one is only bliss. Everything is bliss. Everything is love. I know those but they have passed. I still have emotions and sometimes desires arise in me, nut they are small things compared to my constant feeling/seeing of the Self within as witnessed by me, and which is also me.

It appears we are two, but I cannot even say that, for we feel like One. The Absolute Self perceives the Manifest Self of divinity and bliss and is enlivened thereby. The Manifest Self gives the Absolute knower a grounding in life. The Absolute, Shiva, without this Life Force is only a seer, a witness to what Consciousness and the Life Force does, and I am also that.

But you see my path was different from most: First a Zen monk who dwelled for years in the Void, in Emptiness even during a Kundalini awakening that lasted some years. I still mostly identified with emptiness, stillness.

Then I saw that I observed Emptiness. Although it contained all experience, it, itself was perceived by me, and I saw all states of Consciousness. all thoughts, all emotions, merely came and went and did not touch me. I was beyond their touch. This was my realization after being with Robert Adams five or six years, and this is whatI taught.

Then love came to me and His love exploded in me, as me. I was love, and my Beloved was love, and that love awakened and alivened ME. I came alive into the flesh. My Subtle Body lighted up and energies were everywhere, and Bliss! Most of all I had knowledge of who I was: not just a witness beyond Consciousness, but a human who was in constant relationship with my aliveness, with the Life Force, with God, and we were identical. human, Life Force, Self, God, and the Absolute.

This is very nuanced, a very differentiated oneness, knowledge and bliss.

But one thing I do know also is that I can give these experiences and knowledge to others. I can see and feel where they are. I can feel their Life Force and their blockages as well as their level of understanding. But none wants to come too near because this path requires you to burn. It is one of passion, emotional openness, great love, and extraordinary commitment to knowing one's Self.


  1. I think what you call Self-Realization is what Aleister Crowley called the obtaining of the "Knowledge and Conversation" of the Holy Guarding Angel.