From a growing Bhakti of great power:

EDJI, I'VE BEEN HALF DEAD A LONG TIME NOW. I PUT MYSELF THERE. NOT ZEN. NO TEACHER COOKING ME DID THIS TO ME. I DID IT. BECAUSE I NEVER FIT ANY WHERE BESIDES WITH THE HUICHOLS IN MEXICO. I WAS SO HAPPY THERE IN THEIR WORLD. THEY SAW ME, JUST AS YOU CAN SEE ME. MY HUICHOL NAME IS KAKUYARI MEANING ' PLACE OF POWER ' MY NICK NAME WAS MOTHER OF THE UNIVERSE ! THEY SAW BOTH MY POWER AND MY WOUNDEDNESS, AND ACCEPTED ALL OF ME. I WANTED TO LIVE THERE, BUT A PEYOTE VISION SAID NO.

SO I RETURNED TO THE ZEN CENTER. BUT MY CONNECTION WAS WITH S.S.. AFTER HE MOVED TO EUROPE, I GOT COOKED TO A CRISP BY HIS SUCCESSORS. I DIDNT HAVE THE STRENGTH THEN TO WITHSTAND SOME BRUTAL TREATMENT, AND SANK INTO DEPRESSION. ZEN DIDN'T SAVE ME. THERAPY DID. BUT I NEVER FIT ANYWHERE

LIKE I DID IN MEXICO.

I GOT VERY DARK INSIDE AGAIN. NOW THERAPISTS WERE AFRAID OF ME, REFUSED TO SEE ME. WHICH MADE ME WORSE. SELF HATING. SPLIT INSIDE. I WAS STILL DOING ZEN, BUT LOOKING FOR AN OUTLET FOR ALL THIS ENERGY INSIDE ME. I HUNG OUT WITH CHARISMATIC CATHOLICS. WHICH HELPED AT FIRST. LOTS OF WAYS TO DISCHARGE ENERGY.

EXCEPT THERE WAS SO MUCH ENERGY IN ME THAT IT SCARED PEOPLE. THEY BEGAN TO SEE ME AS EVIL. AS POSSESSED. I WAS VERY VULNERABLE THEN AND STARTED TO BELIEVE THEM. I UNDERWENT MULTIPLE EXORCISMS OVER SEVERAL YEARS. SOME CHURCH SANCTIONED SOME NOT.

SOME QUITE VIOLENT AND BRUTAL. LOTS OF PSYCHIC PHENOMENA. BUT NO HEALING OR RESOLUTION.

I EVENTUALLY ESCAPED FROM THAT CYCLE, BUT SANK FURTHER INTO DEADNESS. EVEN ZEN TEACHERS STARTED BEING AFRAID OF ME. I WAS DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE. BUT MY ENERGIES ALWAYS GOT TRIGGERED, SOMETIMES BY SAMADHIS, I WOULD GET SO HIGH ON SHAKTI THAT I SHOOK IN THE DHARMA ROOM AND HAD KRIYAS. 

NO ONE WANTED TO DEAL WITH ME. I KEPT DAMPING DOWN TRYING TO FIT IN. UNTIL I STARTED TO REALLY DIE INSIDE  AND GIVE UP ON LIFE. I FELT LIKE A FREAK OF NATURE. SO I JUST KEPT DAMPING DOWN. 

THEN I MET FRANCIS ON FB. WE CONNECTED WELL. HE HELPED ME RELAX, STOP EFFORTING SO HARD. I FELT HOPEFUL AGAIN. BUT ONE EVENING WHILE LIVE MESSAGING, I HAD A BREAK AND ALL THIS NONSENSICAL TALK CAME OUT. IT WAS JUST A FEW MINUTES OF MY UNCONSCIOUS ON THE LOOSE, BUT HE FREAKED OUT.

I TOLD HIM IT WASN'T BAD. I WASN'T PSYCHOTIC . JUST A BIG ENERGY SURGE. BUT HE INSISTED I HAD TO FIND OTHER HELP. MY HEART BROKE, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. HE WAS AFRAID OF ME. AFRAID OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN NEXT

THAT'S WHEN I MET YOU. I HAD ALREADY BOUGHT YOUR BOOK. AND WAS DRAWN TO HOW HONEST YOU ARE IN THE BOOK. TO YOUR DARKNESS. HOW ROBERT WASN'T AFRAID OF YOUR EMOTIONS. HOW YOU NEVER GAVE UP. USED EVERY SITUATION TO PRACTICE. HOW NOTHING ELSE MATTERED MORE THAN KNOWING YOUR SELF. 

I FELT IMMEDIATELY SAFE AROUND YOU. I KNEW I COULDN'T KNOCK YOU OVER. NOT ENERGETICALLY, NOT PSYCHICALLY NOT PHYSICALLY.

THEN MEETING DEEYA I SAW A WAY TO CHANNEL MY ENERGY TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE. AND SHE AND YOU BOTH ENCOURAGED ME "TO LET HER RIP"

NO ONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE. YOU ACTUALLY LIKE MY ENERGY. YOU'VE SEEN THAT PART OF ME AND WEREN'T AFRAID OF ME. JUST THAT ALONE WAS AMAZING.

I'VE NEVER FELT ACCEPTED, EXCEPT IN MEXICO. YOU AND DEEYA AREN'T AFRAID OF ME! YOU DON'T THINK I'M FREAKISH OR PSYCHOTIC OR POSSESSED BY DEMONS

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF ME! YOU EVEN LIKE ME. YOU BOTH SEE ME. I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE. THAT'S SO DIFFERENT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. IVE BEEN HIDING SO LONG.

EDJI, I HAVE TO WAKE UP OR DIE TRYING. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. YOU BELIEVE THAT I CAN. THAT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING TO ME. YOU BELIEVE IN ME.

DEEYA BELIEVES IN ME. NOW I HAVE TO. YOU DON'T SCARE ME, EDJI . COOKING ME DOESN'T SCARE ME. DYING IN THIS HALF ALIVE STATE SCARES ME.

I WILL WORK MY HEART OUT TO GROW, BUT I WARN YOU, EDJI I WILL FIGHT YOU TRYING TO HELP ME WHEN I THINK I CANT DO IT, I'LL SCREAM AND CRY BUT I WILL SURRENDER TO YOU AND STAY! I WILL DO THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AS LONG AS IT TAKES. THIS IS LIFE AND DEATH TO ME.

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I SEE YOU, TOO. I'M NOT AWAKE TO MY SELF AS YOU ARE, BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU. I LOVE THE PERSON I SEE.

GOOD BAD. AND UGLY. BUT IF YOU ACT LIKE A HORSE'S ASS, I'LL TELL YOU SO, JUST LIKE YOU'LL TELL ME TO STOP WHINING. I HAVEN'T EVEN MET YOU FACE TO FACE YET. IT SEEMS STRANGE TO SAY THAT. BUT I'VE MET YOUR ENERGY AND YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART. AND SHAKTI IS JUST PUSHING ME INTO YOU.

I FEEL MY HEART LEAP WHEN YOU WRITE TO ME. I LOOK FORWARD TO SUNDAY SATSANG LIKE I'M GOING ON A DATE. ITS LIKE I'VE KNOWN YOU FOREVER.

I'M RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE. AND DEEYA FEELS LIKE MY ANCIENT SISTER, FROM MILLENIA AGO AND ENDLESS WORLDS. AND I SO LOVE YOUR STUDENTS. .WHAT A MOTLEY BUNCH OF WARM HEARTED, LOVING PEOPLE. AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME.