Self-Knowledge and Self-Realization

AMENDED-More back and forth

Dear edji,

Im a silent follower of your thoughts and blog. I am 38 now and from 18 been
following self help, meditation, kriya yoga, ramana, nisargadatta, the works
and now find contentment in your thoughts.

Life has come full circle from simple to complex to simple. I feel like a child.
I understand this question comes from illusion and am ashamed to ask it. I live
my outerlife perfectly, but find no inherent fulfillment  in it.

My crossroads are whether to continue with my girlfriend who loves romance,
eating out and going to church every week and insecure if I don’t prove my
love to her every day. Result is lots of drama. I also feel I lose something when
I am in a relationship.  She picks up that I do these things to make her happy
and don’t inherently feel the need to do any of it.

At the end of the day, I have always been happy walking in mountains, staying in
ashrams, taking care of my son and generally being alone with my thoughts.
Continuing (any) relationship, I feel this will compromise my sadhana, yet I
feel may miss companionship. I don’t have an answer. It tears me. (and yes
its selfish).

Am sorry to ask you this question.
Thank you for everything.
Regards,
 

REPLY:

I hear nothing about how you feel about her.

Do you or can you still love her?

If you can, that can be a gateway inwards to your own heart opening and immersion in your own sense of presence. Work on this a little before doing anything else. The reason I mention this is that I don't feel a strong drive in you for awakening or the need or desire for self-inquiry or meditation. So, what then would be your path without a strong desire for freedom? You would get lost.

The heart link, if it can be salvaged, is a guaranteed way into your own depths.

HIS RESPONSE:

Dear EdJi,

If I go inside, I feel I do love her. On the outside, it is very distracting and highly inconvenient to my sadhana and peace of mind.

In the long run, are prospects of a future potential child, ups and downs ofenergies and need to play the role of a "hopelessly in love" boy. I do not wish to take on responsibilities lightly because i will be attached to them for the rest of my life. My son is not her's.

I find most love, even parts of what i feel now, superficial and selfish. Themost authentic love i feel is my sons innocence (he is 5), animals being, mountains and acts of sacrifice or unconditional love. (Something i cant exhibit in this instance.)

Your response has helped a fair way sofar. i read your "final truth" to center myself.

MY RESPONSE:

Go deeper with her.

She already has your heart. You can go much, much deeper to core love feelings you are not in touch with now. Trust me on this.  See my post today on this blog and see also by may 13 satsang posted just below it.

This stuff about communing with nature is not the kind of love that takes you to the deepest places, or even self sacrifice. How many have awakened that way? How many in the animal rescue movement have awakened? This is karma yoga, not nearly as powerful as self-inquiry or bhakti. You can feel some happiness and peace this way, but that is not awakening. I mention this because form the way you state your story, your sadhana has no fire. It is a kind of lateral drifting, not honed in to going deep. I hear no yearning here.

But human love in its purest form is far, far deeper, deep enough to rest in a vitalized sense of beingness, your own presence, and also to manifest love and caring in your life as a saint instead of a burned out peacenik. This is the way of Bhakti, a direct path to the I Am and awakening. The only comparable path is a true life of self inquiry, not of peaceful wandering in nature, loving your child and animals. This must be clear to you. How many have awakened by loving their children or sacrificing themselves for a cause?

However, you must be able to go deep and feel ecstatic love for her, and in that recognize it is your own love which you feel, which is the sweetness of your own self. Then abide there; stay there. This is not an ordinary relationship; it will be extraordinary--divine!  Few can sustain this, but still this is a much broader way than self inquiry.

Of course, if you or she can't go deep into that love, this is rather useless advice. You'll just get stuck in the halfway selfish, give and take love you fear. But you have an opportunity to go deep and stay there. If you are ready.