20 November 2009


I am not very far gone on the path to enlightenment, it seems I am > merely starting to tread on its' outskirts as of yet. Anyway, for now I > feel the largest obstacle in my way is fear. Sometimes not even fear - > sometimes dread; perhaps a dread of the unknown. A fear that is keeping me > from practicing, inquiring or (to a lesser extent, and for what it's worth) > studying. I sometimes wish I could leave this "search" alone, yet I'm always > dragged - sucked - back into it without exception. Sometimes almost like an > unwanted obsession, it seems (to be semi-serious)! 

Though it is indeed like > I feel that I've glimpsed reality, and now I cannot leave it alone. I do > indeed want to find what is hidden yet always present, but fear is holding > me back, which leads to this ambiguous relationship to the spiritual search. > When reading Robert's "Silence of the Heart" for example, I sometimes get a > very intense feeling. In a sense it is a mediative feeling, and in a sense a > "dissolving" feeling. That dissolving feeling is often unsettling, and I > guess that is the core of my fear. Even practicing locating the "void" > within, and being the witness of myself is somewhat unsettling. It feels as > if I may venture "too deep" and get lost, whirling down a vortex of angst > and confusion; perhaps a fear of loosing my senses? 

What too scares me is > the "finality" of it all, how when the ego "dissolves" - it's gone. It's a > point of no return. What if I don't like what I see? It feels like I'm on > the edge of a cliff about to jump. People say I will be fine - yet I can't > be so sure. I guess my emotions towards this is neatly summarized in the > saying: "Leap, and the net shall appear". 

Yet, I am still not able to trust > that it will. > > Generally I'm having a hard time locating the root of the fear. Is it a > fear of the unknown, or a fear of coming to the end of my existence? Or > are they even synonymous? From one perspective it is a fear of abandoning > all that I hold dear, and completely venturing into the unknown. I realize > that in one way I am the unknown - and the unknowable - yet it does not > soothe my angst. I also realize that nothing could really be said about > reality, since it is beyond duality - still I dread what I might find beyond > the realms of consciousness. And the fact that I've read about people's > experiences with ego-dissolution can initially be very terrifying doesn't > really help (or terrifying for over ten years, when reading Suzanne Segal's > story: http://www.nonduality.com/suzanne.htm). 

Is there anyway to overcome > this fear, or at least: how should I cope with it or even relate to it? > > I'm sorry if gets a bit rambling at times, sometimes it does when my > thoughts aren't exactly structured, as is now the case. > > Thank you, 



Fear ALWAYS has a body component, such as a prickly sensation around the heart or stomach, or a feeling like falling. It is only a body sensation. There is nothing in the fear that can cause you or your body harm. So get to know the fear. Watch it. Welcome the various sensations. You might even begin to enjoy the sensations that many call fear. Your mind is very busy trying to save itself by imagining all sorts of bad outcomes, yet, you are caught in the jaws of the tiger of thirst for self-knowledge. You have to go straight ahead. Do not deviate. Also, when you feel the fear and explore the fear for a while, turn the attention more inward and try to find who is feeling the fear. That witness is not touched by fear, nor can it be killed or harmed in any way. Get to know that source.  

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