17 June 2014

This is the Kind of Visualization/feeling work I used to do post Zen

I did it with my brilliant therapist and friend Eric Reitz, Ph.D. now located in San Raphael.  I have also continued to do this kind of work since, but it is much changed now.  Far more subtle.  I just now more watch the reconnections being built within, as I become re-embodied.

An email to me:

"Last night sinking into that hole in my middle, I didn't

find cold or my father or rebirthing or a void.

It was a large black ball, like a globe, full of velvety

darkness.   As I entered, I felt supported, floating.  An

image of amniotic fluid came.    I wasn't a baby,

though.    Pure consciousness...at Home.

That sense startled me so much that I bounced

out of it, in panic.    So I followed my breath for a

few minutes, then sank back into my middle.   

There was an instanteous release sensation and I was

aware again as consciousness.     The sense was of

being in the center of ....  I don't know...  not really

in the center of anything.    Just  'being center'.

Right now, as I describe it, I feel sudden tingling

energy in my middle.     The term. ...' being center '...

means something important to me.    Right now my

middle feels full of circulating energy, all circulating

around this globe in my belly.

As I'm writing, there is an increasing fullness, pleasure

in my middle....Edji, I feel so happy !!!    What is this?

My middle is both completely full and completely

empty.     Oh my god, I feel so  'at home'.     My belly

has never felt like home before!!!    I'm crying and

laughing..... My god.    I feel so full   so happy. So so

I don't know.  I don't care.   I've never felt at home

before in my body.   Not like this.    This just me

Me feeling pleasure in being me.    I never felt t
this. way before. Edji.   Its different from  sexual pleasure. Or the pleasure of being touched or held by someone else.

Its just me being me.  Me holding me?   I don't know



And me feels warm and full and dark and empty

Wow.........I feel so real.       Hahaha.   12:28pm on Tuesday June 17.  2014.   Syndria feels real !!!
Just human   Edji. Guess what.. I'm human   fully
Human    just like everybody else.  wow
I'm so happy

I hope this doesn't go away.    But even if does...seem

to get lost.    I'll never believe  it.  The same way. That

at  I'm  not real  that I'm not human.   My belly says different

This stuff happens to me when I start writing to you

I go into a different place  start writing  without thinking
Energy starts moving and my perceptions get looser

so that shifts happen.....its getting stronger as I trust you more

I really do have to live by you.  Be in the same space with the you.....my head might actually shoot off

I'll be like that headless guy....won't have to worry about being a rock head....with no head !!!

Gotta make something happen."

Love you,

1 comment:

  1. It's now the Friday night after I wrote this email. The Realness in my middle still persists.

    Even through shock, panic, anger, confusion....some of the usually toxic states that eat away at my self confidence and authenticity. But not this week. These feeling states came and went faster and I didnt feel knocked over by them.

    I felt more trust in being able to go into them and out again. Primarily because my belly, my hara, my abdominal energy center feels there, existant, real.

    For me, a new sensation. All my pieces fit better together with a stronger center
    balance. I literally feel more glued together. To feel Real is bliss for me.

    All the energy states will come and go, but Reality is. That's it for me, just being what is....

    Other people who also consistently feel weak in the middle, know what Im talking about....I had already lost hope for change, but was willing to follow Edji's then it comes.