I did it with my brilliant therapist and friend Eric Reitz, Ph.D. now located in San Raphael. I have also continued to do this kind of work since, but it is much changed now. Far more subtle. I just now more watch the reconnections being built within, as I become re-embodied.
An email to me:
"Last night sinking into that hole in my middle, I didn't
find cold or my father or rebirthing or a void.
It was a large black ball, like a globe, full of velvety
darkness. As I entered, I felt supported, floating. An
image of amniotic fluid came. I wasn't a baby,
though. Pure consciousness...at Home.
That sense startled me so much that I bounced
out of it, in panic. So I followed my breath for a
few minutes, then sank back into my middle.
There was an instanteous release sensation and I was
aware again as consciousness. The sense was of
being in the center of .... I don't know... not really
in the center of anything. Just 'being center'.
Right now, as I describe it, I feel sudden tingling
energy in my middle. The term. ...' being center '...
means something important to me. Right now my
middle feels full of circulating energy, all circulating
around this globe in my belly.
As I'm writing, there is an increasing fullness, pleasure
in my middle....Edji, I feel so happy !!! What is this?
My middle is both completely full and completely
empty. Oh my god, I feel so 'at home'. My belly
has never felt like home before!!! I'm crying and
laughing..... My god. I feel so full so happy. So so
I don't know. I don't care. I've never felt at home
before in my body. Not like this. This just me
Me feeling pleasure in being me. I never felt t
this
this. way before. Edji. Its different from sexual pleasure. Or the pleasure of being touched or held by someone else.
Its just me being me. Me holding me? I don't know
It just MY BELLY. MINE. NOT HIS. NO BODY ELSE
OWNS ME. JUST ME. ME ME ME ME. ALL ME
And me feels warm and full and dark and empty
Wow.........I feel so real. Hahaha. 12:28pm on Tuesday June 17. 2014. Syndria feels real !!!
Just human Edji. Guess what.. I'm human fully
Human just like everybody else. wow
I'm so happy
I hope this doesn't go away. But even if does...seem
to get lost. I'll never believe it. The same way. That
at I'm not real that I'm not human. My belly says different
This stuff happens to me when I start writing to you
I go into a different place start writing without thinking
Energy starts moving and my perceptions get looser
so that shifts happen.....its getting stronger as I trust you more
I really do have to live by you. Be in the same space with the you.....my head might actually shoot off
I'll be like that headless guy....won't have to worry about being a rock head....with no head !!!
Gotta make something happen."
Love you,
Realizing the Manifest Self--the Life Force permeating our humanity--and the Unmanifest source from which it arises.
It's now the Friday night after I wrote this email. The Realness in my middle still persists.
ReplyDeleteEven through shock, panic, anger, confusion....some of the usually toxic states that eat away at my self confidence and authenticity. But not this week. These feeling states came and went faster and I didnt feel knocked over by them.
I felt more trust in being able to go into them and out again. Primarily because my belly, my hara, my abdominal energy center feels there, existant, real.
For me, a new sensation. All my pieces fit better together with a stronger center
balance. I literally feel more glued together. To feel Real is bliss for me.
All the energy states will come and go, but Reality is. That's it for me, just being what is....
Other people who also consistently feel weak in the middle, know what Im talking about....I had already lost hope for change, but was willing to follow Edji's then it comes.