22 June 2012

From M. (Margot)

Wow Ed, what an incredibly sweet email.  Thank you so very very much!  You touched me deeply with your kind words!

Have had this wish to settle down ever since I lost everything in 2006 - but the moving-on continues.  Kept askingwhy, why, why for there exists a longing for a 'stable' life again with some kind of financial 'security'.  Living with absolutely nothing really tears on the system after a while.

The answer to my why, why, why finally, came yesterday.  Have been formulating an email to some people who have asked for my support, since I offered a year ago I would create a support program.  But then, I never got an open door for it.  Would like to send you the email because it has the answer in there and I don't feel like writing it out again.  I hope you don't mind.  Have an interesting observation about seekers at the end of that email.  You might enjoy it - or not?.  But would love your thoughts on the answer that came to me.  Warmest regards, M.

Two days ago helped prevent a murder from happening.  As soon as I heard the calls for help, my body began to shake with an ice cold tremble. Somehow I knew something bad was happening up the hill from where I am presently house sitting in the highlands of Guatemala.  ....have been asking this question for five years:  why is this moving-on happening, where every three to four month am moved to a new place?  There has been this thought present ever since I lost everything in 2006 that I want to have a stable life again.  But that thought is just a thought.  It has no power.  The reality is that moving-on continues.  This morning, it became clear why.  

You have asked to be part of my support program which I have been saying since one year that I will start but have not actually done.  It's because there has been no open door.  Now it seems there is one and so, am trying to see if you are still interested.  It depends a lot on you and if you are indeed wanting to hear what I'm wanting to share with you.  

The impulse is to give you practical, every-day life examples from my life, along with the trip-ups that I have (and still am) encountering to show you how nothingness lives in daily life.  Am hoping to be able to make this whole awakening/enlightenment thing absolutely clear to you, lift all the non-understanding and mystery from you, along with all the hopes and wishes as far as what it is and what it will do for you.

Some people are under the faulty assumption that once they will have an awakening experience, they will be free and clear of problems for the rest of their lives and will be experiencing continuous bliss and trouble-free living.  THIS WILL NOT BE THE CASE!!!!  Programming will continue to surface and will pull nothingness into programming until it's all burned out.  

And this seems to be the reason why I am moved from place to place - to burn out the programming that still is left as part of the Margot Ridler character.  Am continually entering situations which most enlightenment seekers can't even imagine, or will find themselves engaged with only from a great distance via news, TV shows and movies.  Yet, I am living through these multitude of situations every day in my daily life - from living with absolutely no money, no security, no stability, no home, no plug-in any way into any kind of societal structure or safety net, not knowing whereto I will go when the present house sit job is over which will end in three weeks, being attacked with a knife on a lone road, burglars coming to my door at night, people not paying me the money they promised for my work, being around incredible poverty in these third world countries, being directly and intimately exposed to the immense injustice between rich and poor, and many, many, many, may other things, including now even attempted murder.  

How do you think you would react would you be confronted with even just one of these situations?  You can not know, of course!  It can only be known in the moment as it is happening.  But do you think sitting in meditation for hours on end, will clear enough programming so that you would be able to remain in absolute un-reactive nothingness when attacked with a knife?  Or when faced with being homeless in a week and not knowing where to go to?  Or when your husband tells you he has found another woman who is so much more appealing than you?   Or when your child wants nothing to do with you?  Or when your father is dying?  Or when a serious health crisis is catching you by surprise?  Or...?   Or...?  Or...?  Do you see what I am getting at?  

Enlightenment is just a momentary thing whereby Life is seen through for what it really is.  For some reason, all seekers seem to be putting all their chips on this incident.  BUT awake living, operating from nothingness, acting freely in the world is what its all about!!!  And that's not an affair of the meditation cushion.  It's an affair of living daily life.  

My Response:

Margot, you should describe for all not your external circumstances and path, but what it feels like living it from the inside.  Your thoughts or lack thereof, where your awareness centers, or does not, whether you are happy, or not.  You tell us nothing of your internal state, only of your external circumstances and how it is deprogramming you, but do not describe how the deprogramming affects your "internal" state.  That is, you are not providing a carrot that would lead anyone to follow your advice.


  1. You said, "Enlightenment is just a momentary thing whereby Life is seen through for what it really is. For some reason, all seekers seem to be putting all their chips on this incident."

    I can admit to hoping there would be such a thing as this...some one time seeing...I've put all my chips into the hopes of this being the case for several years now. I am beginning to see that this is not the case. Now I am facing the deep disappointment of this grandiose illusion.

    Great point below.

    ... BUT awake living, operating from nothingness, acting freely in the world is what its all about!!! And that's not an affair of the meditation cushion. It's an affair of living daily life.


  2. I lived 25 years of my life out of the UK, with aguaruna in the amazon, beja in the red sea hills, darfur, Mozambique, I've seen death and poverty through war and famine, I've been shot, taken hostage. Never a spiritual thought passed through my mind. On returning here experiences started and over the last years I have practiced self enquiry. The knowledge that everywhere is the same in this vast painting we call life has helped me. The whole structure is constructed from a standard set of elements. The emotions. I guess once your thoughts really don't fire up any/much emotions life ( as we know it. Jim) stabalises and I guess that's a good point from which to self enquire. Or not? Mike

  3. Further to my post above....if its published:), I am sure if you ask people who have had near death experiences they would say the same as me....that the unspoken "I am" which was first experienced as a child in its purest form, has been experienced again by sudden onset trauma. If the threat of death is kept high with erratic sudden certainty of elimination followed by reprieve, one can abide in or near the I am for months if not years in some peoples experiences, without them realising what is happening. In my case, the first time I found my sense of being, I recognised it as my state during horrific life threatening incidents. It was my old friend, it is love, hope, warm and safe.

  4. The obvious and very large elephant in the room of course is.... if comes to it.... how am I ever going to let this old friend die? Mike

  5. A sneaky last post, the reason for so many separate posts is that my internet and electricity have been cut off....am posting from my mobile as I find places to charge it. Things will sort themselves out in a day or two n I'll b up n running again. Mike l

  6. SO...WHERE'S MARGOT...???

    M got a lot of us pretty stirred up with that first email to Ed; put us all in our places, she did. Someone later mentioned seeing a video of M on nevernothere.com. I checked it out last week and, sure enough, there were numerous videos; watched about 45 min of one of them, though M's combination of nervousness and "talking down" to the audience made the viewing about as comfortable as a visit to the dentist.

    She used paper cones made of colored construction paper as visual tools to describe the deconstruction of the ego. That severely damaged her credibility for me. However, when I stopped rolling on the floor, I was then even more curious to see how THIS was the same woman who had given us all such a good Kali-slap...

    The successful business M had was psychotherapy related, concurrent also with her own spiritual seeking. My guess would be that she used the cones in her work then, as she seemed very familiar and at ease with them as visual tools. Some of what she had to say about personality structure was interesting...though my brain might still have been oxygen-deprived from laughing. Anyone who has had any contact with 'someone' who has awakened is well aware that the basic functional personality is just what it is. [Love you, Ed.]

    BUT WOW! The difference between those emails and the woman in person was shocking; she did not have any of the confidence or fiery-ness contained in what we read. In her emails it also seemed she was still in the midst of it all and living penniless in Guatemala...but that was years ago in fact. I could not shake the feeling that she was just using that story as a big hook into the "white-middle-class-guilt" of the folks in the conference audience, much as it first grabbed us I suspect. Kinda creepy.

    Anyway, she's been speaking about her "event" for several years now, so monies for air fare and such are coming from...? Is she living back in the US?...don't know, but there is certainly a questionable intent in her presentation here. She really milked the trauma surrounding the crisis she went through. [Pretty obvious from having milked my own "traumas"...sigh.] Regardless, I find it impossible to see/or feel her experience as a full Awakening. It seems to me that she is just trying to get back into a similar profession as what she had before...only with an even more ego-gratifying twist.

    I am definitely being "critical" of her intentions; not of her experience of long-term homelessness, nor of the depth of her trauma, or that it shattered her old perceptions...if not completely. However, I felt no sense of presence at all while watching the video; there is a definite vulnerability and/or anxiousness there...very much so...but a not so subtle disconnect as well.

    It is telling that she, apparently, has not responded to Ed's last reply to her. I would have been very interested to hear about her present internal state and something of her day-to-day ordinary circumstances. Without hearing about her life NOW, it seems it may have just been a very fiery and intense Glimpse into the machine of the "Matrix"...but not a final release from it.

    For me personally, even after so many years of shit-mining the illusion of separate self, it is still a reality-shock to see that the subtleties of mind-made delusion are nearly infinite. The only thing 100% trust-able is the Silence; resting in the I Am until there is no-thing left.

    Thanks again to Ed for posting the emails.

    1. What an unfriendly email. "Rolling on the floor", "oxygen-deprived from laughing", the mind still has enough oxygen for much speculation. But not enough for logic: "My guess would be that she used the cones in her work then, as she seemed very familiar and at ease with them as visual tools." No other possibility? "I could not shake the feeling that ..." After years of interest in spirituality, still believing this has more to do with M. than yourself? "I am definitely being "critical" of her intentions" - which you surely know, and better than M. "It is telling that she, apparently, has not responded to Ed's last reply to her." Really? Telling in which way? Is she ill? Doesn't she feel like responding? Does she wait for the answer to come? Did she answer, but privately to Ed? Or to the students asking for support? Just wondering. "It seems it may have just been a very fiery and intense Glimpse". Seems it may. So guys out there - if you want to know about your would-be-awakening, ask Victoria Keeling. I am not sure what "shit-mining" in the last paragraph means. Is writing that email an example of such an activity?

  7. Yes, you are right. It was an unkind email; full of a lot of smart-ass, bull-shit. The questions you raise, sound like what Ed might say. Regardless of who wrote this, it left me feeling what an ugly thing pride is...and that it is a bigger issue for me than I had realized. Thank you for making it so obvious. I did see her vulnerability and yet wrote that reply anyway. At this moment I'm aware of where the mean-ness came from. It had everything to do with me and nothing with M. If M happens to read these replies, I sincerely apologize for my hurtful remarks.