15 June 2012

A very close student of mine who meets me with her fiance every three or four weeks speaks of her "psychological deconstruction," worldly dysfunction and the blissful ecstasies that accompany the process.

I have found those who make the most rapid "progress," usually become "dysfunctional" because the internal processes are for more compelling and exciting than anything that happens in the external world.  Imagine, coming home to your true Self of unalloyed joy and happiness, and all you want to do is be alone in the bliss of Self?

Such was the case with Ramana, and Robert, and many who followed them.  But some people want to hold onto both worlds of remaining optimally functioning in the world and also going deep into the Self.  There is a fear that if they do not remain in control, everything will be lost. Actually, the opposite is the case.   The Self, God, grace will take care of everything once "you" lose control.

To Me:

 Posting what I am going through....I realize even using the phrase "what I am going through" isn't quite correct. Nothing is quite correct anymore, just shades and variances to observe. Being in the energetic arms of Edji, and as I move forward with him, the subtleties of any-thing, any concept or belief that my hand looks to attach, Ed removes. The more I release these concepts, beliefs, and attachments, the larger space Awareness has to live through my heart without filter, and in doing so, there is an allowance for something so indescribable to have its way with and through me.

The undoing is both painful and freeing. I feel that any attachments, any need to control, so much stronger than before so that I feel the insanity of it...the insanity driven by fear protecting its precious identity and all the meanings it has invested into that production. I find one belief (or Edji shows me) and see through it to only find another more subtle and nuanced version arises later.  It is quite the flailing.  No rainbows and moonbeams in the deconstruction process.

Bliss, ecstasies, shakti, drunkenness, uncontrollable laughter and sometimes going out altogether, being pulled out of mind-consciousness deeper into heart consciousness, barely able to function, or taken into deep sleep,  I feel almost instantly while in Ed's presence. These also happen now without his physical presence. It is spontaneous, sometimes all consuming and without regard to what I am doing...driving, working...trying to grocery shop. Doing my normal routine, if it were not happening to me, it would be amusing to watch. I am unable to remember the most simple of things, and even the most important work deadlines go into the ethers.

But by Grace itself, all things that truly need to be taken care of are done. And....there is also a growing indifference to those things that fall away.

In reading all that I am writing above, I could sit back here and rip it all to shreds because it is a paradox to write about. It is all a lot of paragraphs that could be summed up with two of Edji's basics: "Become dumb like a rock." "Go into your heart....Now say something."



  1. Actually, the "dysfunctional" has another even more compelling element: The Self, Your Self, is pulling "you," the little you where you attention is centered in your mind and head, deeper into the totality of your awareness. It feels like you are being sucked inwards by something deep within your presence, which often feels like "somewhere" deep within your body. It is the deepest part of you calling on you to focus your attention on yourself, to merge into yourself, feel yourself as the Shakti, the bliss of self, peace and rest. The dysfunction is the inner guru calling to you to return home to your center.

  2. Beautiful Samantha,

    Truth shines in you.

    Love you,
    Janet B.

  3. May the long time SUN shine upon you
    All LOVE surround you
    And the pure LIGHT within you
    GUIDE your way on

    ~ Scottish/Irish Blessing ~

  4. yeah, it's a long road.... to just trust the fucking universe once in for all. sometimes i can't believe we're still fighting it all. it's so tragic in a sense. life is so short. we'll be dead in a couple minutes and we're still hanging on.... fuck it!!!!! let go!!!!! this isn't our show!!! it's God's!!!!!!!!! :)

  5. Samantha, your ability to express the experience is greatly helpful. Wonderful. I have never heard such free expressions until finding Edji through this site. How fortunate you and we all are.

    To John: Yes, all God's play. I have a question though. When you say fuck it and let go, does that mean one does not play the part, i.e. the vassanas for example? Because if we just let go is that not abandomnemt and then one can just walk past a person hurting another or not plant trees in the forest that is being ruined by greed?

    I have no conclusion, just a commentary question. Thanks John

    "Dysfunction is the inner guru calling you to return home to your center". Beautiful, if there is really even a center.

    Thanks Edji, respectfully, Mike

  6. hey mike, yeah 'fuck it' doesn't mean there's no compassion. 'fuck it' in this context (hahaha) means not hanging on to a small separate self. i think when that's let go of, when we dive into God's waters, then the juices can really flow, people can be loved, helped. now it's difficult because of the 'contraction'(adi da).