Thank you for taking time and Sun. to help me. I go back and reread each of your emails daily and read them several times very slowly. There is fog that comes over my mind when I read them.
You're hitting very close to some deep fear in me, so I have trouble remembering even simple things you say.
But, some things are clear to me. Let go of all thinking....good, bad, frightening, hating, ecstatic. ... let it come and go or ignore it totally, cut off if necessary. With so little outward life, I need very little functional thinking anyway.
And I'm back doing silent sitting several times a day.
Feels really good to sit up strong and straight.
I'm very aware of the empty container of the trunk of my body. From my pelvis up through the hara through the heart to my throat is lighted emptiness that feels full of existence. Within that space I sense my heart center and my hara as having density of presence.
My heart and belly feel closely connected and yet separate centers, too. My sense of Self feels located in both. Your term 'center of gravity' feels right in my hara. And the hara feels like a splaying out point within the emptiness of my abdomen.
My heart visually looks connected to my hara by two lines of energy circling like a figure eight between the the two centers. This has been my experience for 6 weeks or so, as Shakti seemed to open those energy centers during Satsang in early Nov. during energy circulation.
I feel the connection all the time, except when the dissociation or depression come on.
Right now, my sense of Self is as presence within my whole core. Not really located so much as pervasive.
I feel my attention actively being drawn down into my core, so that my head feels kind of hollow. Hahaha Not a bad feeling at all.
Though I don't like the fogginess surrounding my attempts to grasp what you're saying to me.
It's so unbelievable how different today is from last Friday when I was sunk in misery thinking and lethargy.
I don't think I'm going to fall into believing that obsessive thinking loop the same way again.
I may feel pulled into again, but I now know I don't have to believe in it or keep it going in order to survive.
The 'I' that needs to suffer to live isn't me. I'm not that hurting little girl who obsessively talked to herself. Though I still have the feelings, I can accept them and love them the next time they appear.
Thank you again for giving me your time and attention and teaching even while your so busy moving. I don't take it for granted.
I send energy your way everyday, and see you and
Kerima finding a beautiful place to live.
I love you with all my heart,
Remedial Rock Head
You are doing very well now. The point will be to stabilize where you are over a long period of time, consolidate it, then go deeper, Your Subtle Body is now accessible and transparent, and you can see the inner energy patterns. It is from your Hara that the Self can come now that you are both visually aware and feelingly aware within. This doubles the impact of inner events and visions.