Ed,
I discovered you because I am re-reading “Silence of the Heart” after about 15 years. I thought after all this time, there must be more info on the Internet about Robert Adams… then I found you! After reading a lot of your blog, watching some videos, I really need to ask you something about trusting yourself, as you put it, 100 percent.
From the time I was a child, I only cared about “finding God.” That’s how I always put it. I didn’t know what I wanted to study in school even though I excelled in it. I didn’t know what I wanted “to be,” I didn’t know how I would live, I didn’t know who I was.
I’ve bounced around my entire life not knowing anything but definitely being in pain because nothing I ever tried… worked. My major in college was pointless and my jobs have been way beneath my skill set mostly because I wanted to conserve my energy for The Search. Plus, I could never find anything I truly enjoyed.
After years of shitty jobs, I made a decision to NOT GO THERE AGAIN. To not accept a position anywhere unless I really liked the job in the first place. Even if it meant I would stay poor. Even if it meant I would go into debt. I was going to fling myself into the arms of the divine and trust that my fate would work itself out. Not that I expected Ed McMahon to knock on my door with a check and shiny white smile. But I trusted that I would just know what to do and when to do it.
In the meantime, I was going to live my life essentially as a devotee householder. God and family first. Money second or when the shit really hit the fan.
And now it’s hitting and splattering around the room… my partner is not bringing in enough money to cover our expenses. And yet the thought of being a wage slave, working somewhere I hate just to bring in money is devastating. I want to trust Life – to trust my SELF but I don’t know what that is still. I’m finally getting the understanding that the emptiness I’ve always felt is my mind’s way of interpreting ‘true emptiness’ so that is better than living in some existential void. I’m still terrified of it, but based on your comments (to Janet) I gather I need to spend more time meditating on this emptiness.
In the meantime, the time has come to make a new decision. We have a child and I can’t stand the financial insecurity anymore. Do you think life for some people is just more painful than others? That it’s meant to be that way for some people? I see others “do what they love and the bliss follows.” But I’ve never found what I love. Just God. Just trying to go deeper. And I can’t relate to others who know what they’re supposed to do. I have no bliss like that. And I have no money to lead a life of pure spiritual pursuit.
I don’t know what I’m asking… just that I am in THAT stupid PLACE again… and there is nothing left to trust and I can’t stop the pain. And yet I will still pick up Robert’s book tonight and read and sit in “who am I” because it’s the only thing that makes sense.
Maybe what I'm asking is... what is trust when all is said and done? I mean what is trust?
Thank you Ed,
A,
Reading your email, I felt to much love for you. It is sort of the story of my life. I still have to work occasionally at a boring job, but mostly God takes care of everything, or Consciousness to use a better word.
Your life's calling is to fully embrace you as you are and to know you as you are. Everything else is secondary, except maybe your love for your partner, your child, and Robert.
Don't be concerned with the job, only you and loving others.
Right job,wrong job, whatever comes along is right, whether for 6 weeks or 6 years. Just practice fully embracing you at all times. Sink into and abide in that basic feeling of your existence, the I Am.
Download the Nisargadatta Gita from our website, wearesentience.com. Use it as a meditation guide.
All of Robert's works are available at robert-adams.info, not just his book.
Big Love,
Ed
thanks for sharing A & E, understood
ReplyDeleteTouching and encouraging exchange.
ReplyDeleteThanks to you both.
Joan
Thank you both
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing A. & Edji.
ReplyDeleteLove,
The story of my life as well. Thank you both for sharing, A. and Edji. :)
ReplyDeleteFor whatever it's worth, I thought I'd share the following:
A number of nights ago, I voiced frustration about the constant "dead-end" paths, sense of aloneness, and lack of purpose that I've felt in my life over the last several years. So much being stripped away or "not allowed," nothing apparently positive happening or taking the place of what's been removed. Interestingly, I felt simultaneously removed from and observant of the "self" that was ranting and saying that it "might as well just die--otherwise, what's the point?" The next night, I discovered the following words in "I Am That" that squarely hit home and brought tears to my eyes:
"Q: I have been barren for the last two years, desolate and empty and often was praying for death to come.
M: ...Let things happen as they happen--they will sort themselves out nicely in the end. You need not strain towards the future--the future will come to you on its own. For some time longer you will remain sleep-walking, as you do now, bereft of meaning and assurance; but this period will end and you will find your work both fruitful and easy. There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desirable for it means the soul had cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment--when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid, the state may be distressing; but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: whatever you come across--go beyond." (p. 249)
Love, Cindy :)
Wow! Cindy, this is great. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWhen the old is over....or becoming over...and the new has not yet come.
It's like when the world no longer holds any interest for you, but that which you long for is still a mystery. It's a tough time.
Respectfully,
Joan
You're welcome, Joan. :)
ReplyDelete