Self-Knowledge and Self-Realization

Dear Edji,

I just wanted to take this time to thank you for being able to sit with you and have your darshan, to soak it all in, to hear from the horse's mouth (not that I think you're a horse).  It has deepened my practice.  I find myself using the question less, per se, and simply dropping within and letting go.  The command to "shut up and go within" has stayed with me.  So much of the explaining is, after all, mental masturbation.

To be honest with you, when I was driving up I was pretty scared at what I'd encounter.  "Who is this guy?... this armchair sage?... what if this is all just a crock of shit?"  But at the same time I was immensely excited.  I had never met a sage.  Who says he couldn't be a seemingly opinionated and reactionary figure?  I knew coming in that the Jnani could be anything; simply I had my reservations as I approached your door.

Then I saw you and drew a blank on how to greet you.  My heart jumped into my throat.  Luckily the good grace of simply going up and taking your hand came in time.

Satsang was a surprise - how many times you let the F-bomb go (not to mention say that all the teachings were bullshit).  But strangely it helped me feel very relaxed, truly in my own element, which I don't know what that says about me.  I was astonished about how concise everything was: the Heart Sutra, Advaita, yada yada... all concepts so the essence is to be imbibed at the heart level and then even the essence is dropped as you become that.  (So shut up and go inside).

I was dying to say something but it all came out in a jumbled mess.  When my emotions run high, my command on words goes down hill.  You shot me down in a second because what I said was probably mental jerk-off - after all, in the ultimate scheme of things all questions about technique can only lead you to more duality, as the mind always does.

You told us to rock with the music: is the emptiness affected?... no, it's motionless.  The sounds ... are they outside us or inside?

These little comments rock me and I don't really know why.

I can just smile and feel my heart get choked up with emotion because I feel fortunate.

I enjoyed meeting everyone:  Ryan, Andrea, Janet, the other ladies... everyone.  Sharing food together and chatting was great, too.

Even leaving was good.  As I was leaving I started laughing and said outloud, "It doesn't matter who the fuck I think he is", and there was just silence, a sense of peace and love sinking into my heart's center.

I felt movement to stay in California; to settle down; maybe to be close to the Jnani.  I don't know what I'll do in the near future.  For the time being teach; no plans really.  Whatever phenomenology should appear to do, I will continue to shut up and go inside and dwell and as much as I possibly can in that.

I hope I can attend your satsang again soon.  I hope this mail finds you healthy and happy (which is a pretty stupid formality to say that my heart is with the Jnani).  If I can serve in any way... edit blogs or translate posts into Spanish, I would be happy to help.

T