Another One--On the Cusp of a Great Awakening
Dearest Master Edji,
I focus on the sense of existence, in the heart area, but when the attention goes there in the heart, the existence is everywhere.
In sitting, gradually the attention sinks and there is an heaviness like a conscious sleep, but I remain, then usually a intense sense of joy pervades every part of the body-mind and there is no separation there, and silence , then thoughts or other memories or perceptions in surfaces but joy is deeper (sometime explosive) and it remains (but is not stable in life nor ever present in meditation).
This was usual for me.
Now something began to emerge and settle: I.
I remain, all this experiences comes and goes.
The understandings are there at times and are not new: waking consciousness is a dream, all is awareness, I am beyond everything.
Now the difference is subtle but important.
I am important, fundamental, beyond change, the experiences are not, the states are not.
I am what really matters and counts.
It begins to emerge: I don't care the experiences, even bliss, they are not me.
So I don't know who I am (to say 'I am beyond' is true, but this also is a concept), but I begin to disidentificate from what is perceived and that is everything: thoughts, body, perceptions, experiences, the sense of existence (personal and universal).
The last night I slept meditating: I remain in dream and sleep.
I am ever the same.
I continue to focus on sense of existence but the more I do this, the clearer is that I am not this sense of existence that is all,
I am totally beyond, unknown to myself, but the knower of everything.
I don't know what it means abiding in Me or if it is possible for me to experience Me,( I am Me!) but I know I am not the field of perception in waking, dreams or sleep. I am not in existence.
I am beyond concept of existence I am beyond every concept.
I cannot say really I am the knower, nor the knowing, nor awareness, they doesn't sounds really true.
Every formulation seems a concept.
What seems nearer to Me is Unknown.
I don't think I am realized, nothing special.
My deepest gratitude,