Self-Knowledge and Self-Realization

THE TRUTH ABOUT SELF-REALIZATION THAT MANY WILL BE UNABLE TO HEAR OR BELIEVE, BUT THAT IS OK, IT IS ONLY MY TRUTH.

So Strange these spiritual paths and where they lead and about who follows them.  There are so many paths that lead to so many different states, so many different understandings, so many different ultimate truths, so many different teachers and types of students.

Now there are so many teachers preaching there are so many paths and teachers that you have to look to yourself, and supposedly to their sage advice, follow them and their “Balanced,” “Mature,” and “Integrated” understanding and all will be well.

Well, I have found in my own path that I never had a clue about anything.  I didn’t understand the Heart Sutra, or HuI Neng.  I didn’t understand Nisargadatta, Ramana, or Robert Adams.  I felt like I was dumb as a rock.  Sueng Sahn’s koans made me feel even dumber, so when he told me to be dumb as a rock, I felt right at home.  Yet, I still wanted to understand what reality was and who I was.  In fact, since I was 12 years old, that is all that I wanted to do.

I had read about everyone whoever was anybody, from Christ to Milarepa, Ramakrishna, Philp Kapleau to Sasaki Roshi, endless Buddhist scriptures, Zen Patriarchs, Thich Tien-An, my ordination teacher, and endless Western philosophy from the Greeks, to Hume and Kant, to Russell and Wittgenstein.

All became a blur of endlessly inconsistent concepts, aphorisms, moral codes, different kinds of spiritual experiences.  All endless successions of nothing that stuck, nothing of a breakthrough.

Two Ph.D. programs in Economics and Psychology in three different universities made me see that all these words, all the concepts, all the comparisons, “integrations,” “mature” understandings—all were empty and worthless even as guides for living let alone finding my own truth.

Finally, at age 53 after spending six years with Robert Adams I finally had an enduring experience that I thought showed me ultimate truth and fo a long while put my heart to rest in Emptiness.

I had an experience while taking a shower of looking within to find him who felt the water hitting my skin, and all that I saw was emptiness—a dark Void within palely lighted by the light of Consciousness itself.  Not that I had not seen this identical Void for a long, long time, but I finally realized that I had been holding onto the concept that there was a me somewhere inside, an Ed Muzika as an entity of some sort, a soul maybe, or at least a psychological center.

But in that instant that concept was gone, of an entity that the word ’I’ pointed to. 

And, I felt immense fear because there was no one there.  I was alone.  Ushielded by an identity.  Alone in this vast empty space.  I was gripped by the immensity of my discovery.  There was no me, no I, those were just words.  When looking within, there was only a Vast, Lighted Emptiness with no end.

And with this discovery, everything changed, the entire network of thought carefully accumulated over 53 year collapsed.  Because, you see, that entire network is centered around the belief in the existence of an I.  Without an I within, the duality of I versus the world disappeared; for if the inner I did not exist, then the duality of the thou did not exist either.  The entire external world was just concepts.

Then my entire experience of me and the world changed.  There no longer was a duality of inner and outer, there was only the inner emptiness and the outer space, and they were one no longer divided into inner and outer.  The boundary of my skin disappeared.  I could actually see thoughts as small cloud-like entities swimming around in space waiting for some host’s brain to accept them and become a reality for that person.  Such freedom, but also such fear.

I called my teacher Robert Adams who had just moved to Sedona and said, Robert, I am afraid because I do not exist.”  Robert responded, “Of course you exist, you are talking to me aren’t you?”  This allowed the fear to subside.

A few weeks later I had a second experience that was even stranger, for I passed from the sleep state to the waking state without feeling any change whatsoever in me.  Waking came, but I was not touched.  Sleep came also, and I was not touched.  Dreams came, but again, I was not touched.  I was beyond all three states of Consciousness, untouched by them.  I was ontologically prior to Consciousness, and the passing phases of Consciousness had nothing to do with me.  It was as if I lived in a different dimension merely looking into this dream world. 

Again I called Robert and told him of my experience, and he said, “Congratulation, you are enlightened!”  Then he said, “Don’t you feel happy now?”  Well, I did not feel happy, I felt indifferent, beyond happiness, beyond grief, beyond the body, beyond everything, unborn, uncreated, an indifferent witness.

And so I dwelled thus even as Robert died 17 months later, identified with the witness, indifferent to life and death, speaking about Emptiness, and beyond even Emptiness which contained all experience, all phenomena, to the witness of both the world and Emptiness.

I finally understood completely the Heart Sutra’s discourse on the identity of phenomenal forms and Emptiness, including the Emptiness of Consciousness itself.  The inner man, the “True Self” had no characteristics, was not even spirit, was unspeakable and totally beyond the world.

Thus I rested in this “absolute” knowing for 14 years until by the grace of God I was awakened to a new reality unseen before by the love of a woman, and through loving her, I became aware of a different Self, a Self of love, of sensuality, of internal energies, of Grace, and finally, of God, both within and without which I call the Manifest Self as opposed to the Unmanifest Witness.

Although there were strong sexual components to this mutual love, we never engaged in sex, but the erotic and heart energies reached such epic crescendos that we both experienced the awakening of Self within, first as trickles of internal energy streams that became larger and broader, that flowed from feet to head and beyond, to the descent of a golden light of grace that wiped me clean of all impurities and guilt.

These internal energies consolidated into an internal sense of presence, like a separate energy body that permeated my physical body with energies and light, until one day the Manifest Self of Life, Sentience, Love and Bliss exploded within me like an atomic bomb of infinite energy and light exploding out of my Hara, upwards into my heart and then head and outwards.  My body was completely blown away by the experience of bliss deeper than the body, deeper than even the constant sense of presence that I had been feeling, and finally, I knew this light, energy, and bliss that arose in me was God because the experience of It went beyond anything I had ever experienced or dreamed of experiencing.  Infinite power, infinite energy, infinite grace of this “Other” who I called God.

I had many visions of descending golden light purifying me, and enlivening me, bringing my body and sense of individual self, back into life.  Ed was thrilled to once again be embodied by the power of that perceived God within. 

And I began to sense something else, that this God was really the Self, the Self of All, the Self that was intrinsic to being a sentient being.  I, Ed Muzika, as a vulnerable, flawed human was experiencing the Self within, that was so amazing, so beyond comprehension or understanding, that I named the experience as being of God.  Self and God were one and the same, and yet the human Ed, the embodied human experienced as being separate from God, that Self, was able to experience that divinity as himself—myself.  It was as if there were two selves, the small self of Ed Muzika, and the inner, deeper Self that now filled the Emptiness and Void that had been I with a fullness of light, bliss, love, and Presence.

These two selves were not separate as the Self of All lived within me and expressed itself through me.  I had this same experience five times and each time it deepened and left a residue which I will describe.

First of all, for the first time in 67 years I knew who and what I was with absolute certainty: I was the Emptiness that I had known fully for 40 years, but I was also the divine, the Self of infinite life, power, grace, and energy that had been newly revealed.

I knew that I existed as a phenomenal entity, limited, faulty, body-bounded, embodied, but also as the Lifeforce that brought my limited form alive.  I existed as a phenomenal entity now filled with divine energy which was my foremost constant experience. The days of cluelessness were done; I knew who and what I was as certainly as I knew that I existed.

Now I roared like a lion for I knew who I was, I knew who God was, and I knew what both the world and Emptiness were.  Form and Emptiness were one with God and the Self.

And, there was a constant sense of joy, completion, rest, even while the fires of a wild Shakti, wild energies burned within like a seething volcano of energy and bliss.  That is, there was the total experience of Sat-Chit-Ananda, I existed, I knew that I existed, and I was in bliss.

And this has been my constant experience for the past five years, but not at all expecting this to be my final understanding, for new doors have been opened to me, as if a light switch had been switched on revealing a whole new universe to be explored.

I now began to understand Robert in a different way.  Although he often talked about Self and love his emphasis always had been to deny his own existence as well as those who came to him, beginning many Satsangs with the words, “You do not exist; you do not persevere.”  He was addressing his students who thought they were human, he was speaking the negation of what God and Self were.  No this, not this.  Not your body, not your mind. 

In his Confession of the Jnani he spoke of the Jnani’s identification with Brahman, the spiritual essence of the universe, but nothing about Ataman, the spiritual essence of the individual.  So Robert’s total identification was with the Self, absent the individual identity.

And he spoke of silence, and of Consciousness being Self-Contained, complete, and needing nothing.  And he talked of being completely happy, joyous, peaceful beyond understanding.  That is he enunciated the experience of happiness that he had expressed to me 14 years before, but which I had not experienced then.  He had never talked about Subtle Body experiences, energies, and rarely talked about bliss, yet he was talking about other experiences of the Self, of peace, rest, completion, and entire happiness separate from the world.

My experience was different because with Self-Realization my human self also became filled with divine energy, bliss, and a desire to engage in the world of human and forms.

I burned within with restless energies and a sense of groundedness in both a physical and an energy reality, as well as in Emptiness and the Self.  God—Brahman—and I were one, but also separate.  God lived and experienced through me, my mind and physical/energetic form.

So, though I know Robert better than ever before, my teaching is different from his for I feel also embodied in a form that loves this world so much and all of sentience within it, that I want all sentient beings to be released from suffering and distress, to experience the Self within, the divine within, and to bring that divine inspiration into their own lives and back into the world.

And because of my own experience of awakening, I see the spiritual value of human love, even if erotic, romantic love, as well as all the other forms of love from mother love, to love and adoration for an animal, to bring the individual, the seeker, into an experience of love so deep, so broad, so intense that one swoons and falls to one’s knee in utter surrender and devotion to the God within, the Self, that is revealed after one has completely surrendered to another human being, who is seen as God embodied in another, and through this surrender, to see God within oneself.

It is for this reason, and only for this reason, that I see rules and restrictions on the interactions of gurus and students to be avoided.  It was only because of the intense love and devotion that I had for a woman and she for me that the Self was awakened in both of us.  Erotic love has intense energy, intense power and the burying of the love between a student and another or between student and guru is an extremely intense and short way to Self-Realization.

AGAIN, IA AM NOT ADVOCATING SEXUAL RELATIONS BETWEEN A GURU AND A STUDENT, BUT ONLY NOT TO PRECLUDE SEX IN RULES OF BEHAVIOR WHICH NEVER WORK ANYWAY.  Yes, there can be hurt and pain experienced by both parties if it happens, but one can be hurt and feel great pain even if there is no sex.  Being told to leave the community because others are jealous of you can hurt as much as having a lover turn his or her back on you.

There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt or emotional pain.  They both should be embraced, just as love and bliss should be embraced, for in the depths of feelings of loss, of grief, even of jealousy, lies a deep river of bliss which can be felt after you learn how to accept the pain totally within your heart and make it your own.  Then when it is added to you, to your sense of self, it turns into the sweetest bliss and rest.

For the true guru like Robert, it was not about sex, but about love between him and his students.

Robert was involved in one “scandal” after another during the eight years I was with him and he was always being accused of being a womanizer.  Robert loved women (as well as men) and they loved him, and these love relationships often exploded in a way that caused the host of whatever home Robert taught from, to make him leave and the venue for Satsang changed many times during the eight years I knew him.

Robert knew that if anyone felt deep and intense devotion and surrender, that the Self of All could reveal itself to a student if the love were intense and complete enough.  If there was sex involved I don’t know and don’t care. Like I said, I don’t advocate sex between a teacher and a student but the possibility should not be denied. 

So what was it in the love I had for this woman that resulted in Self-Realization through God’s Grace?  Was it the sexual energies?  Was it arising Kundalini?  No, at least not in my consciousness. 

What awakened in me was an intense love for her because of how deeply she loved me.  She could express her love for me in a way that felt totally loved in an incredibly deep and intense love that I had never felt before, and in that love, my identity fell away from the body, from Emptiness and the Void, into Turiya, the so-called Fourth State of Consciousness that underlies the waking, dream and sleep states, also known as the Atman (Ramana and Nisargadatta), and once there I was able to see and feel God, Brahman, as underlying my self as Self, underlying the existence of all sentient beings to whom I was identical in this experience. Got underlay All, yet I was still able to act out life as an individual embedded in God.  Our love was perfect; total love, total surrender, into the deepest bliss and then an explosion of the self within me.

Around Robert there were some rare ones that I came to know who went into Samadhi around Robert, who loved him completely and deeply, and whom he loved back.

There was an oriental woman known as Michee, who, whenever a group of us got together during the last six months before he moved to Sedona, would sit next to Robert and after a few minutes she sort of slumped over and lost touch with the world, and she would be that way all during lunch and after.  After everyone left, she would still be in Samadhi, slumped in her chair, leaning against the table.  The rumor was that Robert so loved Michee that he moved to Sedona to be with her.  But the rumor was wrong; she was there for him.  Her intense devotion for Robert in a sense, forced him to love her and I think both came more alive because of their love.

I could give many other examples, but I ask you to take my word.  Any kind of intense love can lead to Self-Realization of the Manifest Self, the Atman, Turiya which underlies all three of our everyday states of waking, dreaming, and sleep, which is Satchitananda.  This use of love for spiritual growth and awakening, as well as the use of all other emotions that arise as a result of this love, or of self-inquiry that is done with love and acceptance of all that arises, including depression, grief, jealousy, hurt, emotional pain, and anger, is a Tantric path added onto self-inquiry; a path not of sex, but of love, attachment, and all emotions.

In summary,  there are three Selves and yet they are only one:  The Witness, the Manifest Self of experienced form and emptiness (Brahman), and the human embodied self, and both Brahman and human Self can be brought to life through feelings, through emotions, through loving whatever arises from within during day to day life, and through constant, loving introspection within, acceptance of what arises including depression, grief, and jealousy, and bringing them into your sense of Self. The separation that appears is only apparent.

I got used to the human self over a period of 53 years, then also the constant experience of a hard-vaccuum-like Void, then the Absolute, untouched Witness of the Void for 14 years, then of the Self, as Other, as God, Infinite power, bliss, grace.  Each I became aware of in succession, but after Self-Realization came the awareness of the common ground to all. Which was God, Self, from which God incarnate, the Atman experience the world through me, the individual human self.

There are so many different paths, so many different spiritual states, goals, and understanding. And they are all different, but I think without having a living spiritual teacher real advancement is very difficult because anything you read of in spirituality is interpreted by your own mind and thus filtered through your past understanding, and deeper understanding is made difficult, because deeper understanding is through the heart and feeling, not through the brain and thinking about things.

A teacher can teach just by his or her presence, by the emptiness or by the presence one feels around them. And if you are lucky enough to love the guru deeply enough, or another student also seeking God deeply enough, Self-Realization can come that way too.  There are so many Americans who are what we called in psychology, “counter-dependent.”  They do not want to depend on anyone for any answers, and they appear strong on the surface on Facebook and other venues, but really are very frightened of losing themselves in their love for another such as they remain distant, a watcher and thinker and miss the boat altogether unless fate throws them a bone of some sort.  Those who can surrender totally to another, to a human, a cat, family, etc., can more easily reach God-Realization.


I had teachers for almost all of my adult life, and never regretted studying under any one of them. But it wasn't until I met Robert that I gave up the search and just stuck with him, surrendered to him.  But I was not with him the last 18 months of his life and didn't achieve the joy he had until I fell eternally in love many years later and my heart's flame was ignited.