TO ME AND MY RESPONSE:
Lots of quiet the last few days. Sitting in the early morning cool breezes, I feel compelled by the fullness of being alive to drop even more deeply into myself.
The simplicity yet immense textured sensation is breath taking for me. There is nothing else I want, no place to go, absolutely nothing to say .... although I feel like singing....and do ...Sri Ram Jai Ram ...Jai jai Ram...
I've been walking the hallways in my building at 3 am .... so silent the air presses on my eardrums. I'm in flow .... no one in charge ...yet the body moves and eats and sleeps .... and feels happy....content. lol ... my body never feels content...
I've had several thinking jags ... anxiety stories suddenly erupt ...catastrophizing... I feel all the stages of it coming on .... so there is space to choose to turn away, or cut out the next step. I get a queasy sick dread whenever I do that, but I know its a hollow dread ... it tries to get traction ... but there isn't much energy in it. If I don't feed it quickly shrivels.
I have spent an amazing amount of time in my life scaring myself into helplessness and sickening angst. I am so fed up with this cycle. I still do it around abandonment, I'm still clinging to that identity .... yet I know it now from a different perspective.
There are holes appearing in my existential nausea. I can't tell you, Edji, how incredibly empowering it is each time I even brush against my worst fear ... And come out of it tiny bit more alive.
I'm not flowing fully in the river of bliss, but every mote of increased sentience is a wonderment to me. It doesn't matter what pain and worry and fear I still have ...
I AM ALIVE ..... DAMN IT.!!!! AND I LOVE IT ....HAHAHA...
I love you, Edji, and I thank you ... step by step ... everything you have taught me is true and is working for me ... jeez how wonderful is that !!!
Your rock head student,
Syndria ... (my love light is burnin' ... whoohoo ...lol)
I think almost all mental mental diseases, from garden variety neuroses, to severe personality disorders, paranoia, manic/depression and schizophrenia, can be CURED if only people allow themselves to feel the wounds and defenses around the wounds which prevents us from feeling them in the first place, allowing for a dissipation through incorporation. It is brought into I Am, my awareness of my live existence; in effect, it is the epitome of identification. I take everything into my heart of hearts, and thereby love everything because I love myself.
I remember feeling a lot of paranoia for many years after my father died when I was 14. I realized then the end can come quickly and without warning. But I realized after a while that the dread that made me expect terrible things, as you say, is hollow. It is not a precognition of correct intuition that apocalyptic events were about to happen. Such is true of most scary emotions; there is nothing really there. Therefore go into it and take its power back into your conscious existence.