What is happening here.?
When I focus on going into I AM, usually I feel like I'm there. Aware from where ever that is. Not watching it happen or observing I AM .
But all day today, instead of sinking into my heart center, my sense of awareness is popping up into my head , third eye, where the sense of lighted consciousness is. The light is familiar to me from zen, but hasn't pulled me in lately.
I observe from there down at my heart, and sense my consciousness sinking into the heart center and below. Finally resting in subtle body behind my physical back. That is often the place I rests, but not always.
But its strange feeling remote, just observing, while also sensing the connection and sensation of being in I AM. But not being in it. My awareness is watching I AM
Feels schizoid; sensation and awareness separate With awareness observing . Sensation being felt.
Who's feeling the sensation and aware of awareness?
It feels like my body feels I AM and awareness is watching.
I don't like it. If I stay there long enough, the light expands out completely until everything disappears into just the lighted field. No sensation, just light.
This has happened over and over, no matter how hard I try to stay with the I AM I hate it. !!!
ED'S RESPONSE:
Syndria, it is all you. The Witness is where Nisargadatta wants you to go, and the I Am is the Atman, energy and sentience together.
All these are what I call rooms in the spiritual mansion. Also here find Emptiness--the Void, the lighted field which fills the void, find also bliss, grace, deep sacred humility, various levels of the I Am sensation terminating in Turiya, Satchitananda, AKA as Atman.
These are all parts of you. After you have visited all of them enough, you own them all. You accept them all as you as well as the day-to-day living as an ordinary, "unrealized" person that has moved 360 from knowing nothing, to knowing Emptiness and Nothingness, then all all of the magical, blissful, and energetic states, then back to Syndria drinking tea with a Zen master, also drinking tea and farting. (Old Zen masters do that.)
Realizing the Manifest Self--the Life Force permeating our humanity--and the Unmanifest source from which it arises.
Hey Edji, The writings in your Blog have opened up something quite scary inside me.
ReplyDeleteFirst Anonomous states: Why don't you let them post their inevitable experience of gloom what will follow afterwards?
Secondly Syndria states she is entering levels that feel schizoid, she doesn't like the feeling and 'hates it'.
Brakes ON......then thinking about Robert Adams 3 devotees and suicide???
One old monk quoted that before Enlightenment you feel depressed but when you become Enlightened you ARE depression.
I told a Guru about my bliss experiences and he told me that the happiness and bliss will fall away too!
I think I was lucky to survive 6 months of depression and going through another bout of it seems like inviting disaster. Syndria is strong I am not near as strong as her.
It is easy for me to get into the deeper states and pop back and forth from the I AM to the witness and back but right now I don't want to lose it and disappear into the witness.
The fear factor, schizoid feeling, I hate it has now gotten in the way.
(believe me Sndria I really appreciate everything you posted--didn't realize how much I needed to hear what you said )
Maybe that is where anonymous is and maybe that is why he mentioned the gloom that he/she is experiencing.
Being so sure of myself in the last 2 years and very solid with my meditation, experiences and bla bla bla now I have no idea what the hell is going on.
I am feeling this uncertainty and fear to the fullest.
I guess this is where my teacher Edji comes in and guides me. If I can get through this then the machine will keep running. Its stopped in its tracks now.
A deep part of me says, 'can you really give up everything'?
steve
I hear you. I realized later that the lighted emptiness was reminding me of a life experience of void that happened before I was mature enough to deal with it skillfully
ReplyDelete.For years, in zen, l never entered the lighted emptiness, because fear of it always popped me out of it. I felt like I was falling..
A very wise teacher suggested I might at least enjoy the popping out by experiencing the falling as skiing down a moutain slope. This was wonderful for me. I really felt the excitement of skiing. Gaining the controlled falling of skiing, translated into holding my center when I got scared of the emptiness. Gradually, I was able to give up skiing, well, except for fun. And now going to the emptiness is easy enough, but
lately I haven't liked to go there Tonight I made the association of why that has been happening, an old association of being lost in black void. So...on we go...
Maybe let yourself fall is exactly what you should do ?
ReplyDeleteI can see it now. Its just one of those damn mind tricks that blind sided me out from left field. And you know it was my Guru Edji and some Sangha members that just showed me that the light was really still on and for a short time I thought I was in the dark. Bless you dearly for reminding me. I feel that if anything like this happens in the future you are all right at my side. The fear evaporated into the illusion. I can't wait to bear down and get to loving that 'I AM' gal.
ReplyDeleteOur Sangha is something very special....out of the ordinary and very dear to my Heart.
Love always, steve