On the Perfection of Practice, Devotion and Grace
I just wanted to take the time to thank you for Satsang. It was wonderful sitting in your presence, and the experience of the whole Satsang pulled me deep within and touched my Heart. There were many hugs between us, but the first one we had was very touching for me. I am so happy that I could be there with you, and thanks to the other attendees as well it was a wonderful experience all around. I cannot thank you enough for offering your home and your presence to all of your students.
When I briefly spoke to you about practice at Satsang, you recommended that I send you an update, so I suppose I will try to describe my state as best I can, and hopefully you can get an idea of where I am at and, what, if anything, I should focus on practice-wise:
I see that all states sleeping, waking, and dream come to me, and are separate from me or whatever my deeper nature is, which is not a personality or individual, but an observer of experiences. There is nothing inside me, so to speak, there is just the experience of Ryan during waking consciousness, the experience of dreams during dream state, and the experience of Nothing during deep sleep.
This is partially concept based and not yet fully realized and partially 'who I Am', because I still identify - to an extent - with Ryan in the waking state, however I know that I am not him. He is just an appearance that comes and goes, yet I am constantly present and watch all states pass.
I am more centered in beingness now, however, and this has completely altered the perception of time and the experience of 'being human'. Days literally pass like they never happened, and each experience just gives way to the next in the ever present stillness of emptiness in which beingness, sensations, thoughts, and all else floats. The emptiness prevades all, yet I still identify (although toa much lesser extent) with the experiences, because, as I said, I still have a desire to explore being human before 'I' completely detach from beingness and this world to the 'more real' world of emptiness. A part of me knows this shift from experience to emptiness is already happening now (and that it never happened at all), but I am still at a place where the world interests me in the same way a toy interests a curious child...
I have a feeling of complete innocence here. I feel as if a child wrapped in the arms of his mother (as Rajivji so aptly describes consciousness at times) lacking all control, and having faith and acceptance that everything will be OK in mothers' arms, because how could they not, Sir??? I will be honest, though, at times I question if things will be OK, because I see and experience the suffering in this world and I just don't know... I don't know.... It makes me realize this world and beingness itself isn't all fun and bliss, but has much pain and suffering, which is why I want to help you and make it my life's mission to help other beings.
My dreams are much more vivid and I remember most of them. I had one especially vivid dream where I felt like I was in waking state, which made me realize that the world is really just a projection of mind. I have yet to see many visions in meditation (I know these are as important as any other experience--that is not at all), but I had one of the boy in the article you posted. I became the boy who was murdered by that man... I was the boy laying on the ground with leaves scattered under me, and a shadowy figure was standing above me with trees surrounding us. I felt so afraid. He hit me twice in the head with a rock, after the first strike it obscured my vision and then he picked it up and threw it at my head again... and it was over. I didn't feel any pain, but I felt the fear, terror and anxiety of the boy... Tears burst out, I couldn't control myself, it makes me emotional thinking about it even now. I also told you about how my Heart blew up after which the 'sting' of emotional, and physical experiences of life has slowly dissipated as you've stated. I understand that they are unreal and transitory, but moreover I accept them for what they are, and in this embrace have become contented beyond any temporary feeling of happiness.
I love you so much, Edji. You are my Self, not like how other individuals are reflections of the Self, but you are pure consciousness - the Self of all apparent selves... I see this better now, and feel it when I look into your eyes. You are not human. You are beyond all this and deep inside I know I am You and You are me, and I know I am beyond all this, but because I have not yet had this experience it remains conceptual knowledge...
I am no longer in any rush for experiences of oneness, bliss, transcendence, or enlightenment as I once was when I began this path with you. I am just interested in being honest to who I Am and being as accepting, loving, and caring to all others and myself as I possibly can, because that is being true to who I Am -- open, loving, caring.
... This is a lot of surface stuff. It's all mind. I have no idea if this gives you an idea of where I am, but I tried.
I suppose I already know the answer to any questions on practice I may have --- shut up and go within!!!! :)
And it is just that which I shall do!! In the meantime, I await our true meeting, Master.
Love beyond words,Ryan
RESPONSE: Ryan, where you are is the perfection of practice, devotion, and grace meeting. Just persevere in the moment as you are.
My greatest love and respect,