Self-Knowledge and Self-Realization

Dear Edji,

I am so sorry to write to you again - I know you are very busy and although I hope for a response it will be OK if you don't respond.  I just wanted to tell you ...

I've been crying and crying ... I tried to locate the I-am sense and felt so at a loss.  I have not done much meditation in my life and feel at a such disadvantage.  I read the "Autobiography of a Jnani" and that showed me how difficult it would be to realize the Self for someone like me.  So I sat quietly in a corner and cried and asked for your guidance.  And you told me that you are sitting beside me, helping me.  And without my will I inhaled and exhaled strongly and my breath stopped for a minute maybe.  And then that repeated 2 times.  And then I was calm and quiet for awhile.  But then thoughts rushed through my mind again and I felt lost again.  

So I again asked for your help, I cried and cried and asked Robert for help, then Ramana, then Arunachala.  And then I saw myself to be in the core of Arunachala, enveloped by a golden globe.  And then I knew that Arunachala is my mother.  And my whole body started shaking or convulsing.  And a fear that I am crazy arose but I ignored it and assured myself that you are guiding me.  I told myself that I will never let go of you.  And my right arm started moving and I was just watching it move up and down.  I did not will it or not ... then it just dropped and I was quiet again and felt peace.  I need so much help, dear Edji.  I bow at your feet and ask for your guidance.  I have no other desire but to be free.  

In your blog you said: Another way to the I Am, is to wait until something happens in day to day activities, where an emotional reaction is elicited. Feel the emotional/movement in you. That is part of the I Am sense too."  

I seem to be crying all the time when I try to locate the I-am sense.  Perhaps I am expecting a special 'I am' but the crying itself is it.  I don't know why I feel such love and sadness at the same time.  I miss you, Robert, Ramana, Krishna, Jesus, I miss my Self so much ... I love you and miss you so much and don't know how to be ... it sounds all very crazy but I don't care ... I feel so intensely and I cry and cry because ... I don't know ... because of no reason.  Because I am lost.  Your words are all I want to follow ... you say "abide in the I am" and that's all I want to do.  How?  Help me.  I will do everything you say.  Thank you, thank you.
Lovingly,

X.

RESPONSE:

Think of your quest not as a sprint, but a marathon. Assume the finding of self will take 1,000 years and start with that premise.

Given you have a thousand year task, and need to walk 10,000 miles, what would your attitude be? One of emergency crisis, or one of steely preparation for a forever trip?

Given that, crying all day from sadness and joy means nothing. It is a blip on a thousand year journey. Know you are embraced by your own Self at all times. The fear and hopelessness you feel are also temporary. All this will pass and eventually you'll feel peace and happiness.

But you need to take yourself out of the mindset that this is a crash emergency. This is just the beginning.

Really, emotions that come to the surface are only superficial things as are thoughts, visions, dreams. All these have nothing to do with you, just a play to watch and not become too involved in. Just step back if you can and watch all these beautiful visions come and go to YOU, who is the Watcher and not a helpless subject of these phenomena.

Love, 

Ed