As you have accepted me as your disciple and because we are geographically so far, I want first of all to tell you about myself, as I have surrendered myself to you, I want you to know everything about me.
You know what, I have been searching for a living guru for the last 14 years. I am 32 years now.
In 2001, both of my parents were killed. A brutal murder. That guy was caught the same day and in prison from then till now.
I went through the long phase of depression. There was the void in me. No life there.
I visited many holy places of India in search of peace. Read lots of spiritual books to understand the meaning of life and death. I practised tantra. The left hand path, practised and tried to talk with my parents ,, hahaha...... succeeded in some ways. Entered into the dark world of inner confusion, hatred and frustration for a long time.
I was later in 2009 involved in Osho movement. I practised dynamic meditation and that enabled me to be normal again with long sessions of catharsis. I was normal human being again from 2010.
But in deep sense, I knew that I need a living Guru. There was a fire in me to understand, to realize the inner meaning of existence. I wanted to know myself.
I got married with a lovely girl and now have a son of 2 years.
Practically, I am OK with the material life.
When I encountered youR blog and website, your words hammered me from the inside. I was shattered and for the first time came to understand the true meaning of spirituality. There was no meaningful direction of my meditations. You were the fire to kindle my heart.
But still as I was practising witnessing for some time, I did not give enough ear to listen to you properly.
And there came the state of emptiness which shallows my aliveness. I was there but as a ghost. It happened for two months. I was not unhappy but still there was no meaning in that. I was just a witness to everything happening around. I got the taste of witness. There was no emotion, no love. No sex was possible. There was no BODY. So far and distant I was from this existence. There was suicidal tendency not because I was depressed but because there is nothing in life that can bind me to the existence.
And then, I wrote you the last enquiry. You told me to feel it and I felt the inner being. This I AM. I came back to life.
( Edji, I know this is so much like a free association, but I hope you don't mind)
And last friday, I was in a room of a friend. He is a very good friend from the university. We talked mundane matters. And out of blue, I started talking about the Self. He was listening and I started feeling something big entering in the room. The vast, strange thing start happening. If it was only for me, then there would have doubt. My friend also start crying. We both were in a vast energy field and energy was penetrating me from every pores of my body. Wisdom happened there. Love happened there.
For the first time in my life, I understand the meaning of love that Jesus, Osho and You are talking about. I felt the Me there. The manifested SELF. It may be illusion Edji. And I don't have that state now.
That episode had a tremendous effect on my friend. He was so much changed. The frightening thing in this is that my friend called me yesterday and told me that I am his GURU. I am so scared EDJI. He told me that he found divine in me and my presence. Guruji, what is this? I certainly know that there is nothing like divine happening to me. But why people feel that way. My wife is also acting a little differently from that day onward. She is looking at me differently. But let me tell you that I am not in bliss as in that evening.
Sri Edji, My guru, I have found you and you are my true Self, my true love. You please guide me further.
I do not want to lose this understanding. I want to go deeper.
How do I live my life?
The death of your parents, as terrible as it was and is, dragged your attention within and pinned you deep inside. Then you struggled to find a way out, to find the light, and for a brief time you found Witness-consciousness, and realized that is not for you.
The message of the Manifest Self, along with all your inner work, produced the outcome of the Self revealing itself to you. You are blessed to have experienced the Self like this so fully and for a prolonged time. In the future the experiences will last longer and become deeper. Shakti will bring your physical and Subtle body completely awake in light and bliss, and you will surely know God within who is and will conscioussly become your constant partner.
I am so sorry that you lost both parents in such a way. When I lost my own father by a sudden heart attack, I was devastated beyond all reason. Had I also lost my mother at the same time, I doubt I would ever have recovered.
Stay close to me and the energy of our lineage will help you experience your Self ever more frequently.