23 April 2014

It is this sort of really human experience that I call Self-Realization

It is eerie, in a 'not knowing anything' sort of way, to be encountering my Self as myself. Know what I mean? 

Self has been "out there..." Somewhere in imagination. I never really felt like I can realize my Self. Oh, I said it, thought it, professed it....but in my heart, other people did it. Not me. 

Now I have direct experience of Self living in me right now. I am realizing Self as all there is...0° of separation. Really, really really eerie to me....I keep just stopping, and listening, attending inside, what is this?...don't know...no idea comes...but wonderment is everywhere...vibrancy....a huge space opening up...in me?...is me?....what me...? No one cares....just LIFE.
Thank you, Edji, from every quark that flows together as Syndria, thank you !


Ed:  This is similar to my own last Self-Realization experience, of being totally a vulnerable human but directly connected to and run by the divine Life Force, which I am, but which also is every other sentience being.

As Syndria's experience deepens, she will leave the Zen not-knowing state to the state of knowing absolutely everything with utter self-confidence.  But knowing everything, I mean the surety of knowing you are sentience and the Life Force, Shakti unleashed.  You taste Absolute Knowledge of self-reflexive knowing that you are the knower and knowledge; you are both the unmanifest noumena and its expression in the manifest world.

Mostly though you feel Self as you, arising in and manifesting through your physical body, energetic body, mind and emotions.  You are totally human and also totally God.

This is a rare teaching. Mostly you hear from teachers who talk in abstractions about two-fold emptiness, Nowness, beingness, tranquil silence, or aphorisms about ultimate reality.

You instinctively know these teachers are philosophers teaching their learnt teachings learned at the feet of other philosophers.

But some teachers are able to talk about the Self in every day situations and activities, not in abstract discourses about how the mind creates an imaginary world within and without, but how you can constantly feel the Self in the midst of intense external activities, mental activities and even emotional storms.  All of these circumstances mean little to someone who is always dwelling in the Self energies and self-identification.

This Self is not the emptiness or Void, it is not just the Absolute Witness, it is not just Nowness, it does not exclude thoughts or thinking, it is not just the physical or energetic body; it is all of these things!  That is, I can freely identify simply as the Void, or as sensations arising in the Now, or as the energetic body, or with the world as a whole, or with the essence of my sentience: as knowledge of my Self which includes all these elements between which I can flow freely in identification.

Syndria Update:

I just saw your post of my comments from the blog. Wow! You are fast!

I have been pretty much speechless. In my ever increasing rock headedness, I don't know how to say what I want to express to you. And it's hard to see the keyboard through my tears. 

I know that I've barely stuck my toe into Self. So, I'm not speechless and joyfully crying because I've attained 

It's because you see me, and hear me, and support me so unconditionally. I just showed up on your FB doorstep one day, like a depressed, disillusioned, depersonalized stray kitty, and you have accepted me, taught me, and retaught me, been patient and cooked me...several times....all as a part of loving me.

You share more of yourself, your direct, intimate experiences of ALL of life with us, your students, than any
teacher I have ever met. I feel undeserving of you sometimes. So humbled by the immensity of your heart, of
Your brilliance, your ability to convey the most subtle of teachings, your utter and complete generosity...

I am beyond fortunate to finally meet you.

I had lost hope. Maybe that's the key, I don't know. I actually do feel resurrected, from a dead heart....
There is more that I need to say to you....but, for now ....my words are just not enough......I need to stop, sit
quietly and sink into You......where I find Our Self 



Ed's Response:

Syndria, notice that Jackson Peterson does not understand any of what has happened between you and I, nor my other students and I.

He considers it "embarrassingly unstable" because we talk like regular humans, not in abstractions like the doctrine of twofold emptiness, and coming into the pure clarity of Nowness or Beingness.

We talk in terms of energies, the Life Force, Self, tears, cooking, pain, despair.  We talk about the razor's edge of spiritual existence including bonding, death and resurrection.

That alone should tell you your 30 year search in Zen and other disciplines is baring fruit in being simply human, and in that openness, feeling the breath of God so to speak, breathing through you. 


  1. Syndria, Such beautiful translation of the Spirit taking action within you. You are a blessing to behold. I see the unification within our Sangha that Swamiji Sri Edji produces and creates within each of us. He is like Zeus by shaking his aegis, produces storms, tempests, and intense darkness within each of us. At his command the mighty thunder rolls, the lightning flashes, and the clouds open and pour forth their refreshing streams to fructify his devotees. I couldn't see it before and I am on my knees before him as he watches over us with tender solicitude, rewarding truth, charity, and devotion. These last few months while experiencing opening a can of snakes from my experiences of Vietnam Edji is treading this path through hell standing right next to me and I see him standing right with you also, hand in hand, with all his vibrancy helping to open up the Self within. We are so truly blessed at this point in our sojourn by being in this Sangha. I enjoy all of your input Syndria as it also activates within me a deeper stimulation by sending a Rainbow of Love through our community. Love, steve

  2. Steve, though we have yet to meet eye to eye, we meet over and over heart to heart.
    I feel a kindred light in you whenever you speak. I am humbled by your kindness and insight.
    I thought of you and your brave struggle with old wounds this past week, as I too reexperienced deep,long held pain. A physically wracking pain of intense loneliness seemed unbearable in its exquisite agony. I fought it, hated it ....ecstatic pain....I felt shame and rage at the glorious vibrancy that pain brought to my experience. Every nerve vibrated with life, authenticity, and agony. I cried and raged and sent email after email to Edji throughout the night. Instead of patting my head, he drove the pain deeper, telling me to give myself completely to it. Hold nothing back. I hated him and cursed him and yet trusted him utterly, and let the loneliness rip my heart open in ecstacy. There was no undercurrent of bliss, but a truly transcendent rawness in total surrender. I actually thought that I was going to die that night and submitted to letting go of life. Which opened me into a wide expanse of living light and deep sleep. Edji had told me that excruciating pain has within it an ecstacy greater than bliss. I hated him for that. But, learned that truth for my self. I am still fighting inside about that, I dont like it, but I know he is right.
    Be well, Steve, I feel close to you tonight. Syndria

  3. Very inspirational to observe ordinary people opening up to Truth in extraordinary ways, at this physical juncture in time, when humanity is crying out to ascend from the limitation of ego centric individual life into the Light of That Unknowable but everpresent Being that encompasses & permeates us all. I have only just discovered the teachings of your beloved Edji and read a couple of his e-books but immediately now I sense The Divine Love manifesting which is evident in the words written in posts such as this. I am humbled & thankful to be guided here by my spiritual mentor Sathya Sai Baba and I ask for grace that dear Edji will guide me also. Mark.