Self has been "out there..." Somewhere in imagination. I never really felt like I can realize my Self. Oh, I said it, thought it, professed it....but in my heart, other people did it. Not me.
Now I have direct experience of Self living in me right now. I am realizing Self as all there is...0° of separation. Really, really really eerie to me....I keep just stopping, and listening, attending inside, what is this?...don't know...no idea comes...but wonderment is everywhere...vibrancy....a huge space opening up...in me?...is me?....what me...? No one cares....just LIFE.
Thank you, Edji, from every quark that flows together as Syndria, thank you !
Ed: This is similar to my own last Self-Realization experience, of being totally a vulnerable human but directly connected to and run by the divine Life Force, which I am, but which also is every other sentience being.
As Syndria's experience deepens, she will leave the Zen not-knowing state to the state of knowing absolutely everything with utter self-confidence. But knowing everything, I mean the surety of knowing you are sentience and the Life Force, Shakti unleashed. You taste Absolute Knowledge of self-reflexive knowing that you are the knower and knowledge; you are both the unmanifest noumena and its expression in the manifest world.
Mostly though you feel Self as you, arising in and manifesting through your physical body, energetic body, mind and emotions. You are totally human and also totally God.
This is a rare teaching. Mostly you hear from teachers who talk in abstractions about two-fold emptiness, Nowness, beingness, tranquil silence, or aphorisms about ultimate reality.
You instinctively know these teachers are philosophers teaching their learnt teachings learned at the feet of other philosophers.
But some teachers are able to talk about the Self in every day situations and activities, not in abstract discourses about how the mind creates an imaginary world within and without, but how you can constantly feel the Self in the midst of intense external activities, mental activities and even emotional storms. All of these circumstances mean little to someone who is always dwelling in the Self energies and self-identification.
This Self is not the emptiness or Void, it is not just the Absolute Witness, it is not just Nowness, it does not exclude thoughts or thinking, it is not just the physical or energetic body; it is all of these things! That is, I can freely identify simply as the Void, or as sensations arising in the Now, or as the energetic body, or with the world as a whole, or with the essence of my sentience: as knowledge of my Self which includes all these elements between which I can flow freely in identification.
I just saw your post of my comments from the blog. Wow! You are fast!
I have been pretty much speechless. In my ever increasing rock headedness, I don't know how to say what I want to express to you. And it's hard to see the keyboard through my tears.
I know that I've barely stuck my toe into Self. So, I'm not speechless and joyfully crying because I've attained
It's because you see me, and hear me, and support me so unconditionally. I just showed up on your FB doorstep one day, like a depressed, disillusioned, depersonalized stray kitty, and you have accepted me, taught me, and retaught me, been patient and cooked me...several times....all as a part of loving me.
You share more of yourself, your direct, intimate experiences of ALL of life with us, your students, than any
teacher I have ever met. I feel undeserving of you sometimes. So humbled by the immensity of your heart, of
Your brilliance, your ability to convey the most subtle of teachings, your utter and complete generosity...
I am beyond fortunate to finally meet you.
I had lost hope. Maybe that's the key, I don't know. I actually do feel resurrected, from a dead heart....
There is more that I need to say to you....but, for now ....my words are just not enough......I need to stop, sit
quietly and sink into You......where I find Our Self
L O V E
Syndria, notice that Jackson Peterson does not understand any of what has happened between you and I, nor my other students and I.
He considers it "embarrassingly unstable" because we talk like regular humans, not in abstractions like the doctrine of twofold emptiness, and coming into the pure clarity of Nowness or Beingness.
We talk in terms of energies, the Life Force, Self, tears, cooking, pain, despair. We talk about the razor's edge of spiritual existence including bonding, death and resurrection.
That alone should tell you your 30 year search in Zen and other disciplines is baring fruit in being simply human, and in that openness, feeling the breath of God so to speak, breathing through you.