Really, there are no words to express how I feel now two years after awakening to the Self, myself as a body/mind human named Ed, living side-by-side with the divine, which I call Self. Both are me and I revel in both.
I cannot create an ontology, a metaphysics about reality, to explain what is real and what is false or imaginary. I cannot find any fixed truths or principles. I can hardly explain to anyone even how to make a peanut butter sandwich. Yet, I “know” everything more deeply and profoundly now than ever before because thought cannot impose any cover over that which I see, feel, and hear. Now I no longer know about things, I feel them directly within and without me, within and without my sense of presence. We co-exist in each other. That couch there, and that chair there co-exist in me, separate, yet not separate. Separate in appearance, but not separate in essence.
The same with people. Some I feel are me in a deep way. They feel inside me, in my chest and gut as solid entities, interpenetrating, and feeling them stronger internally than the impact they make on me seeing them. I am grounded in feeling, not knowing, yet a different knowing is there, and it is so hard to explain this knowing. It is not of the mind, concepts or learning, nor is it intuition, a leap of understanding and coming to a correct conclusion.
Concepts cannot take hold in my mind. I forget “facts” given to me within an hour. I forget what I had for breakfast or lunch. Who cares? It is unneeded data. Nor do I plan what to eat later. It does not matter. Mail accumulates. Who cares? Newspapers lie unread, dishes unwashed. Who cares? So what is going on in me?
I HAVE COME ALIVE!!! I no longer live in the world of men, the old world of society, tasks, accomplishments, work, etc. I am free of all that except my sense of responsibility for those who love me and care for me, and those who need me and what I can give. I live in pure Consciousness. I am not a man nor this body/mind, I am Consciousness itself, God, space, Self.
I HAVE COME ALIVE!! The energies that started just a few years ago now dominate my waking life. All day long they play through my body/mind/presence as ascending, descending, lateral and swirling currents of bliss and ecstasies. And, I am happy. The happiness is separate from the bliss and currents. Each day I grow happier and happier. It is difficult to describe this happiness except as a profound acceptance of myself as other than what I thought I was, for I am the Self and I am also the body/mind Ed. This is not an intellectual understanding, but a “felt” knowing of the entire body with its center in a quiet heart. I am grounded in an identification with Consciousness and its sentient core. I swim in Consciousness, not in any objects.
And my body is alive!!! The energies have “enlivened” every corpuscle of matter in me. Each muscle, each limb, each internal organ is now felt, and they are alive. I can hear and feel “my” heart, lungs in operation, every muscle group, my intestines, bladder, stomach as cooperating entities within me, my sense of presence in and around the body; yet the body is not me, nor is the body as fixed and stable as I thought it to be when I did not know it from the inside. I can change it with my intentionality. I can change and control its inner currents, and with this understanding, I know something else: I co-create everything! The world is just an apparently external body.
This body/mind/presence called Ed, as small self, has its own intentionality which works hand in hand with the intentionality of Consciousness, or the apparent world. Nothing is fixed, everything is unfolding in an almost magical way, some of which is understood by science, but much of which is not.
The loosening grip of concepts and conceptual understanding, words, and the meaning of words effects a miracle of change with regard to knowing oneself and the world. When words and concepts no longer matter you begin to see everything, internal and external, differently, with feeling, and even deeper, as a co-creator with Consciousness, with Self, of the reality/world/ and body mind “we” live in. It is so hard to paint a picture of what I mean with words.
Consciousness and I are one, but the body/mind entity that is Ed is a separate, “personal” source of intentionality with regard to everything external and internal to that personal, that exists side by side with the intentionality of the universe, which is the Self, the same principle of sentience that arises in all sentient beings.
And, I am so very happy resting in a bath of ecstatic energies that is enlivening my body and radiating outwards to everyone as a kind of acceptance, a caring and concern. I am so happy that for hours I cannot move for fear of disturbing perfect peace.
The love I feel for my own sense of presence and the Self cannot even be called love anymore, only perfect acceptance, groundedness in sentience, peace and bliss.
I feel totally unable to tell anyone where I am or what I am, but I am not what you think and see. You can only know me when you are me, and in my world, that is possible. We can enter into each other’s existence in deep ways, a deep communion, not even conceived possible by me a few years ago.
I feel a profound sense of ownership of everything; it is all me and mine to have and to hold, to protect and to nurture. The body has become a mere object to me, I do not need it. But as an object, I can change it, heal it and others purely by my intentions. I cannot explain it any further, but the intentions need to be backed by techniques for managing reality.
And, as a matter of fact, learning these techniques can lead you to a deeper knowing/feeling of yourself, which becomes deeper and deeper until you have explored all levels of yourself, and the Self reveals itself to you. In other words, this is another path of Self-Realization, through love of others, surrender, devotion, and the awakening of energies in your consciousness, which some call Shaktipat, but can be explained alternatively as the awareness of the individual resting in Turiya, also called Self, also called the fourth state. Atman rests in Brahman, and both are held by the unmanifest Absolute.