I am still a working stiff so to speak, trying to write boring medical reviews and reports during the weekdays.
But I feel a special connection with Rajiv because his experiences are so similar to my own along the way. Previously I have felt that connection with other questioners too, but they no longer write.
Here is what Rajiv wrote and my response:
Last night was "terrible" in one way and not so in another way :-)
I was lying down to sleep but just could not fall into it. An hour passed and then two hours passed by. I was getting a bit anxious why thoughts were disturbing me so much. There were influx of various thoughts and I was witnessing all of them. It was all automatic. I could not even let go not watching them. 3 hours passed by and I thought I was nearly losing my mind. A part of me told me it was all unreal yet another part of mind was telling me I was treading wrong in my life. Stop all this practice and be human again, start living in desires and enjoy life. I was witnessing all of these careful not to identify with all this as I knew all this would pass. But it was getting tougher as the night was slipping away. I was starting to get a bit anxious.
I observed I was actually looking deeply at the third eye and watching the flow of thoughts. Somehow I felt watching at the void ahead was resulting in more thoughts. It was me, the void ahead at the third eye and the influx of thoughts and no "meditation" was actually helping. Very strange indeed. Where has all the bliss and joy gone???
For the first time a doubt slowly crept and a fear too. Am I getting depressed?? A sadness filled my heart. It was a very dark night. Nothing seemed to work. My mind was extremely active during the whole time even as my body was tiring with all this. I was feeling frustrated and extremely helpless. The mind was telling me see how others are sleeping well and you are losing every bit of sleep. You are disturbing your set life and of your family.
Yet another part told me do not listen to anything the mind tells me. It was one mind against the other. All of this was thought anyways and I realized that. Even as a witnesser, I was getting engulfed in the war between the two. The void ahead was alive and so was my mind. There was movement and stirring happening at the void ahead and the mind was active catching them. There was no peace at all.
Then suddenly out of the Blue at around 5 am I remembered your teaching. A voice told me stop all this witnessing NOW. Just move backwards to the real Self and stay there. Just Be aware of that state. DO IT NOW.
I turned my attention away from the void,the thought and moved towards the background. It is felt as a totality of the body first and then it is felt as something beyond the body too.
As I connected with that, all thoughts disappeared, a natural joy and sense of happiness and security was felt. It was like a child finally getting to sit on his mothers lap. Such was the sense of security and warmth. The sinking into the background bought about a natural calmness, joy and total freedom from disturbing thoughts.
Next I knew that I was in a dream state,knowing I was dreaming and I was finally happy in my deam too :-). I slept for maybe 3 hours or so but do not feel I missed much of it.
For the first time ever I realized that looking intensely at the third eye exploring the void may not be such a good practice afterall. It is best just to sink backwards and try and BE one with that state. There is tremendous security and stability there. Rest is all play.
I bow at your feet a million times,
Good lesson well taken!!!!!
Yes, I spent many years exploring the Void, probably as deeply as anyone has explored it. But opening the void to realize the clear light of consciousness only opens space for realization of the emptiness of thoughts and the physical body to be realized in. No enlightenment happens because of exploration of the Void.
Going backwards into the self always seems to bring happiness, even if you can only go back as far as the body sense.
The void is a vision sort of thing, associated with the brain and eyes. The I-sense is not. The I Amness sensation appears to be about the heart center for some, but is really deeper, beyond the body sense.
Good going for you!!!!
|Ah yes Master. But for you this lesson may never have been learned by me at all. Just moving backwards is all that there is.|
I am completely done with exploring deeply at the void.It can play havoc with ones mind and thoughts and with ones being.
It is real bad practice though I am not sure why sadhak still choose to explore them. That may be the problem with deep meditation. Most feel meditation is third eye exploration and are mislead. It is the "beingness" whether you feel at the heart center or as the totality of the body. This is where we all need to abide. This is all we need to reach rather than explore further and further. I am completely done with this.
Ah Master what a lesson you gave me last night.
I always valued your teachings but some understandings come only by direct experience.I went through this very important lesson and nearly nearly lost my mind.I got nearly Mad.
The feeling of beingness itself melts all searchings and seekings. Moving backwards is much safer and secure practice.It instantly puts the mind off. This is such a learning. I am done with all the void stuff for sure. WOW.
After this even if there is no more further learning I will still consider my life worth living.