15 October 2012

To Me:

Dear Ed,

on saturday you share with us how did you lost your father and I was in tears while I was listening to your story.
I remembered the time when my grandfather died. Lately it is a bit easier to remember, a bit easier to talk about him. I could not do it more than 15 years after he died. I loved him so much and we spent a lot of time together. He was 83. He was so strong that I couldn't imagine that he would not came out of the hospital... 

I did not visit him during his last days and I can't forgive myself since then. That was 20 years ago, but even now my tears are streaming as I writing this letter. I did not say goodbye to him... I was not with him. I did not see him. He did not see me. I was so stupid. It should have been much more important than to spend the time with my girlfriend. I am unable to forgive myself at all. Nobody does this with somebody whom he loves.

That was the story which I recalled on Saturday, and it was so deep in me that it was hard to feel the space around it. It is working better now, as I write these words. I feel "I am" now, behind these emotions.
Sometimes it happens to me recently, I feel the "I am" behind the actual situation.

Mostly behind anxiety, I can feel it. It is much more harder when anger or rage arises.
It is a soothing sensation that anything can happen, I am. No matter what it is, because I am.
It is a presence behind this world and in my hearth simultaneously.

Ed, I would like to ask that when I start to listen to myself in such situations which are full of emotion (rage, anger, anxiety, fear), is it an escape from the world or may I do it to feel that "I am", whatever happens?

Somehow the sense of I am is mixed with the current emotions in these situations.

With the greatest gratitude and love,


Ed: You are doing perfectly!!!!

1 comment:

  1. S.

    Reading this also helped me to be willing to feel the pain associated with my mother's death...or maybe it's something more hidden than this.

    It wasn't so much the actual death that causes the pain, but the fact that, though she was in the hospital with kidney failure, I chose to go out of town for three days. My plans were more important to me than she was...and maybe it's still something deeper than this.

    When I returned she was in a much worse condition, and died the next day.

    I didn't feel the pain of not being there for her til recently. I wish I could live those three days over again. I wish I could have comforted her. I wish I could have cried when she died. But I couldn't...I couldn't let myself feel the hurt and loss...and I certainly could not let them see me cry.

    If I cried it would reveal that I might have needed her. (Ah, this feels truer). If I cried it would have been seen as me feeling sad or hurt or lost...and if all those things were exposed, then it might appear that I was weak, needy, and somebody might try to really Love me, be there for me...and I couldn't allow that. (This feels truest)...and I can't go any further with this right now.

    Thanks for sharing.