The team here at enlightenmentdudes.com thought we would have a little fun with everyone and do a sarcastic (but good natured) blog post about this subject. So no offense.. hope you all enjoy. If you like this our hate it, feel free to leave comments at the bottom, share, and/or subscribe.
Tip #1 Change Your Name
If you are getting frustrated because no one wants to sign up for your $25 an hour Virtual Satsangs, maybe you should try a name change? Make your name sound exotic if possible. Even better say your enlightened guru gave you the name of “angry tiger” or “moldy peaches.” Everyone knows that “John Smith” doesn’t wake up, but “Sri-Sri Super-Swami Ganeshahnto Arunachala” sure the hell does. Even better change your name to one word like Madonna did! You will have people flocking to your blog to collect your pearls of wisdom in no time.
Tip #2 Trace Your Lineage
Look, if you want to gain Enlightenment “street cred” then be prepared to trace your teacher to another teacher- to another teacher-back to some famously Enlightened Being. Because we all know when you get to the gateless gate they are going to ask to see your papers. In today’s fast paced-online word, waking up has nothing to do with the deep arduous work of self inquiry or ego-death. It is all about who your teacher’s, teacher’s, teacher was. It is kinda like a “get out of ego ” free card. Very handy.
Tip #3 Put “Things” in “Quotes” a lot
Since other online Enlightened Beings always try to bust you for talking about “you” or “yourself” you need protection yourself from this. The best thing to do is put tons of things in “quotes” all the time.
See the two examples below:
incorrect = My approach to awakening involved a combination of meditation and my own form of lucid journaling. I found this was the best practice for my path at the time.
Correct= “My” “approach” to “awakening” involved a combination of “meditation” and “my own” form of lucid journaling. “I” found this was the “best” practice for “my path” at the “time.”
Tip #4 Refer to Your Self in the 3rd Person
So for example, I would say something like this in a blog or forum – “Jim experiences the world in a different way. I sense that there is a “Jim thing” but no experiencer to speak of.”
Tip #5 Deny You Are Enlightened
This is one of my favorites, say things like…I am not awake because there is no “one” here to BE AWAKE!
Tip #6 Have NO sense of humor
We all know that the people that are the most Enlightened also seem to have no sense of humor online about anything! They are easily offended when you mention their teacher, practice, group or style in a humorous light.
Tip #7 Put on lots of White Robes
In old westerns the good guys have on white hats, but in the realm of awakening you gotta rock the white flowing robe. You may want to invest in some trinkets or medallions to go along with your new outfit.
Tip #8 Go Vegetarian
This one is easy, no one ever ate a steak and woke up and no one ever will!
Tip #9 Tell Others to Stop Seeking
Most of the popular Neo-Advaitafolks go with this approach, it is very trendy and has a long and misunderstood history in Zen also. But tell people that they are already enlightened BAM! it is all here and now you are done! Forget about the destructive and life altering work, experiences, processes, that the masters all had to endure, all YOU have to do is DROP THE SEARCH AND “BE.” It makes me want to slam one of those Staples Easy Buttons -that was easy. Done! Instant Enlightenment. It was here all along and I never knew it – wow! I bet the Buddha wishes someone would have told him that before the months of pain and fasting or all those dudes who almost died up in caves some place to wake up.
Tip #10 Talk in Slow Hushed Tones, Look Around In Bewilderment
How you act in public will be judged by your followers so I am going to tell you how to act. Talk very slowly and look around with your eyes very wide open, now you must have a slight, but goofy smile on your face. Also talk as quietly as a mouse, you have seen BEYOND and into to void, so start acting like it, people pay for your retreats, so give them a show.
Tip #11 Constantly use The Terms Consciousness and/or Awareness
Telling people on a blog or spiritual group that “everything is the infinity consciousness of awareness being aware of itself and its of own aware consciousness” or whatever, is like talking to a bunch of fish at the bottom of the ocean about how everything seems to be pretty wet. What’s the point? A term that is everything means absolutely nothing in a conversation online.