MY EXPERIENCE NOW
I often speak of my own experience, not to brag or because I am THAT narcissistic, but it is the only experience I can talk about first hand. Others who awaken can have radically different experiences. However, these that I share are similar to those of others I know.
I think friends and students/teachers tend to “resonate” in terms of both understanding and spiritual experiences. That is why we like hanging around each other. We share experiences others might call insane. We share loves that others cannot believe in. We share an acceptance of each other’s experiences. This too is why I often post the experiences of others who have emailed me.
Rather than diminishing since the retreat of a week ago, the intensity of these experiences has been increasing.
Currently my body and sense of presence feels almost like it is bursting, barely able to contain the inner life force, which, “looking” within appears as a brilliant white light and cold heat. Whereever my awareness (me) touches my body I feel bliss. Bliss permeates this body.
And I am singularly aware of myself, as the watcher of the body, the bliss, the Life Force bursting from my chest, and the “feeling” of incredible power.
A few hours ago, the energy was not quite as intense, but I felt an enormous, overwhelming love and surrender to the forces that be and to my Beloved.
But, including these is the overwhelming awareness that I know who and what I am. It is hard to stae what that is, because it is all of the above experiences, but it is also a totality that cannot be expressed, and a sense of absolute certitude of who I am, and it is not just this aging body so vulnerable to the environment.
Nor does the simple term “beingness” seem to apply. It is far more than any concept of beingness, nor any experience that I had previous to four years ago.
I have the utter assurance that I am this Consciousness and as such I have no mass or weight, but the body associated with my knowingness here and now is serving as a capacitor storing great power of “my” LifeForce.
If that cold heat were to turn hot, this body would be incinerated.
I can only describe the entire experience as being totally joyful, even when dark emotions float through without really touching “me.”
And with the assuredness of knowing who I am, I recognize that I am not that which I appear to be. I am only image, affect, body/mind in the world, not an entity at all, AND I am also that which observes all this, knows all this apparent experience or knowledge.
And, I cannot take my attention off that energy within, the LifeForce. It grabs my attention and I cannot let go. At the same time it is awakening this body. I can feel it straightening out the muscles, joints and nerves, changing the patterns of movement and sensation. Every few minutes I feel various kinds of "snappings" in my back that feels like vertebra and muscles snapping into a new alignment.
All in all, it is a wonderful experience to be having. Another way to describe it is feeling totally alive, 100% alive, and the emotions are outsized too, but “I” can choose to experience them or not and back into the witness, just watching in complete peace.