Oh boy, what an intense trip...
Thank you. Thank you Ed for your kindness.
You said you wouldn't bite but that was an understatement - you treated me like family.
Saying this feels a bit like betraying my family here, but before meeting Deeya and you I don't think I've ever felt so loved, understood and accepted before.
Although I also experienced some painful and serious doubts at times, and parts of it scared me shitless, it is like knowing a whole new dimension of love.
I don't know what I did to deserve such grace...
Wow your light attracted a mighty beautiful moth there (who is the light herself)...
I knew before she was great, but when I met Deeya I instantly fell in love with her.
She is pretty high up the list of the very, very few women I really trust and feel comfortable with. I think I will never let her go again...
The whole retreat was just amazing, but also a painful rollercoaster ride at times. Going on a journey deep inside my consciousness alternated with times where I felt empty, scared and in doubt or at worst, often just felt like there was some huge emotion going on but I couldn't feel it, it was like there was a brick wall between me and the emotion. This happened especially when I went up to you both for Darshan.
I think a lot of it was just still too hard to bear for me... I often felt like crying, crying but instead there was just this paralyzing blankness.
I still feel very exhausted both physically and emotionally.
I feel at this point I have to give some credit to my beloved former teacher Ajahn Brahmavamso, as well as all other little and big gurus and lovers I had in my life. Without the things I learned under their guidance, NOTHING of this would have ever been possible.
I was sometimes a bit skeptical about the effect of "being in your presence". But let me tell you sitting next to you feels sooo different from even being at online satsang, which already does have a significant effect.
The culmination of this was the drive to the SRF, which I didn't want to end. Even though Harald and you were yattering away, I effortlessly fell into this state of sublime peace total ease and comfort like I might have never felt before in my life, bathed in swirling colored visions and ever so subtle energies. I still can feel it now a bit.
At other times at the yoga studio I felt like I was sitting in front of the gates to heaven, with God peeking through both of you and shining onto me.
Deeya and you worked together so so well. I hate to say it as I was pretty satisfied with you already before I knew her, but her energy is really complementary to yours and fills in gaps where I felt lacking before (which I only realized now). I think she is also changing you quite a bit in a way that is very beautiful to see.
I didn't have much interest recently in developing any powers, but I feel Deeya's are immense and I'd like to learn as much as possible of that.
I rarely talk about this to you, but my body is and feels pretty wrecked. It's nothing terribly serious but enough to keep me in constant pain and distress.
So maybe this is truly a call to first help myself and then others.
You know, I think moving to California and living with you would do me good (although I'm scared as hell of some possible forms of cooking that might come then).
However I feel I can't just pack my stuff and leave, because maybe I am to my loved ones what you are to me.
They wouldn't understand and leaving them behind would break their hearts, and would crush mine too eventually.
You know I never believed her when Lila said you were a homophobe and wouldn't let me come because of that. Still had to ask though. It was a brilliant piece of cooking, and I really have to thank both her and you for that. I still hated her self-righteous guts though most of the time at satsang and on facebook.
I'll try to visit you as often as possible, not just because I feel with all the energy taken away by the various worldly activities I get myself into my sadhana needs a boost now and then, but also just for the sublime bliss of the experience!
I love you so much Ed, I really do!!!
Thank you for everything you have done. You showed me a beauty of this life like no one else could have.