Email to me:

I am grateful to our lineage, You as my teacher, still, and the profound depth of our Elders in the Sangha, like Deeya.

I retreated all these years to writing about spiritual analysis and seeking Arhat style understanding, leaving this pain behind, and embracing the knowledge I rightly saw at a young age.  But, I was always an enthusiastic helper, serving others, full heart, big heart. I just could not figure out how to not get beaten down.

I love your post.  Good Lord, it is amazing!  I absolutely agree with everything you stated, that I could understand. I really, really appreciate you humbly, clearly revealing the betrayal from the folklore around liberation--the problems etc.

I love this is the direction we are going.  Truly it fits my earlier experiences and prayers. I just couldn't make it work as Jnana started coming so naturally for me.  I often think how we talk of what to do and paths, but If most folks are like me, I am not sure the actions had a whole lot to do with it; sure do your part but Grace happens, No?  

I started going into samadhi in elementary school.  I had my first profound Satori when I was about 14 or 15.  What I didn't share is what occurred, in part--it was not just the cosmic still oneness. I was not removed and watching, I was bigger than the cosmos, I could feel it, and I could see, feel my presence looking down on my town.... All this while sitting on my bed. 

But this is not why I share--It was the unmistakable Grace and Presence of Christ, as I knew it later to be.  

That became my hearts yearning desire for decades.  Sometimes this presence visited me....Unfortunately I largely treated it as a distraction, more energy, more presences--there were lots of them--mind games to keep me from Liberation--I "persevered" though often yearned for this "feeling" this presence-nothing like it.

To this day I would trade if for every clever thought or samadhi or even awakening I have ever had, well maybe not liberated devotion cause that is Life's breath...   For years after this experience I became deeply depressed and numb. I had no way to understand or relate to it or with it.  Life was  too painful too pointless, too sick.

I claimed one goal, to be vulnerable enough to be loving and loved! I did my best. Many more states, and brutal experiences of service, surrender, and deep suffering. I find then I focused on this love, this service. Without teacher, I got wrecked upon the shores of consciousness.

Yet, maybe finally the tremendous all encompassing gentle Grace may be with me again. Funny how it washes away all old trauma and exhaustion.

Finally, finally, finally I feel this is a path, a place I want to be!

How refreshing to once again choose permission to embrace light, love, and open heart! I can feel it more so again as a daily occurence!  It is what I helped clients do, though it seemed stifled for myself, but that might be changing!

B.

Ed: Read Nisargadatta's Self-Knowledge and Self-Realization where he talks about hunting for the Baby Krishna, which he also calls Krishna Consciousness, and which I talked about this in an earlier post how the infant projects aspects of Turiya, Satchitananda into the primary caretaker, and we all tend to do the same in intense love.