09 December 2015

Buddy Died Today

Buddy died this morning at his vet's clinic.

When I awoke this morning he was crying out in pain. He crawled up onto my lap and cried out.  Then he ran away and cried some more. Then he laid on the floor on his side, motionless, with rough breathing.  He had been getting fluids daily at the vet's office because of severe dehydration, but began to retain fluids about a six days ago ago.

Dr. St. Clair long suspected cancer, because his blood tests had been normal except for severe anemia, for which he was treating, and Buddy was too fragile to survive exploratory surgery.  His blood vessels just kept collapsing and he was retaining fluids. X-rays showed nothing of a tumor, but lots of gas and retained fluids. Buddy's decline was very rapid.

Buddy spent the last three weeks glued to me, on my lap, on my chest, following me around the house when he could manage it, and following me with his eyes when he couldn't.

But today the pain was just too much for him, so I gave him a large dose of Buprenorphine to calm him down because he looked panicked, and to ease his pain.  The unusual breathing made me know it was time.

All the staff at Grand Paws were very sympathetic and kind.  They all knew Buddy well as he came almost daily for fluids.  They were all very kind and several came in to say goodbye to him before he passed. I offer special thanks to Shannon, Joe, and Jeff, and the many, many, techs who gave Buddy fluids, enemas, pills, and who endured blood-lettings in the process, and also Dr. St. Clair who performed a perfect euthanasia.

Buddy's death for me is heartbreaking. I have not had anyone's death hit me so hard except for my father's, and another cat named Satchitananda (Satchi) who died in 1987.

It is so great to be able to feel this deeply again, to fully feel the sorrow, the emptiness, the loss, and to be able to cry freely.  I know after Satchi died the same year Robert died, I went into a three year depression, and finally came out after medication. But antidepressants also can blunt all feeling, so I stopped it after a few years.

Don't let anyone tell you that awakening means you are immune from attachments, loss, mourning, even fear, because if you are immune from them, you are also immune to love, bliss, and happiness.

Spiritual practice can leave you without feelings and detached as are so many spiritual teachers.  Be glad you can still feel.


  1. Oh, my heart goes out to you. I know how much you fall in love with your pets and losing one is just devastating. Edji my Heart cries too!

    My cats and a dwarf bunny show me every day that understanding and feeling can get deeper every day.
    Like fantasy creatures the more involved I become the more they reveal to me...and its astounding.
    Bless you Sri Edji and bless that great soul Buddy, two great beings brought together in Love.

  2. Sad for you... recently lost our dog friend Kaili.. deep and overwhelming experience...much love to you...

  3. Ed......

    Sorry to hear of the loss. I had also commented some time ago in one of your blogs that I too made a decision to stop taking Prozac because though it helped with agoraphobia for a time initially(even making me consider it a "wonder drug" for doing that)the eventual loss of all feeling was more than I could tolerate. And I said, "I'll gladly take the anxiety back compared to this wretched feelinglessness."


  4. so so sorry to hear of Buddy. Their love is so deep and far reaching to the heavens only those who know the angle creatures can understand them. Wishing you comfort and peace and deep condolences. I know it grieves your heart and soul. May Buddy's soul give you rest and peace.

  5. much love to you and your cat. cats are true gurus.