Recently I received an email from the woman with whom
I realized God, both within her and within myself eight years ago.
After a bit of pleasantries she asked how I was
doing, but in the usual way, such as, "are you happy?" After a while
I was able to compose this letter that as best as possible explained what and
how I felt. I share this with my readers because a few who have seen it were
much moved by the story told.
-------------------------------------
Dear ________
It is really difficult to explain how I am now
compared to when you knew me better. The words for what I experience now just
do not exist. I do not feel like I am in the mundane world anymore except when
dragged into it by Kerima or others who are deeply nailed into the mundane
world. I do not even feel like a human being anymore. I feel like I have
transcended mind and body altogether, so what do I call myself? What name can be used? There are no words for it.
I have no ambitions except to help people and
animals spiritually and physically. My personal world has entirely changed.
Recently I had five female students all worshiping me and loving me and wanting
me to be with them and vice versa, ages 19 to 40. All at some point felt deep
love, surrender, and bliss to the extent they felt constant non-sexual orgasms.
They felt incredible blissful Shakti. But only one of them was able to escape
out of the mundane world into the spiritual world of God realization, and she
was only able to remain there for three days before she fell back. My male students experience a wide variety
or transcendent states, bliss, trance,
love, as well as strong reminders of the mundane world they were leaving
behind.
About myself, I feel Shakti in me and around me all
day long. The energies pulsate from barely noticeable to extremely powerful. At
Satsang almost everyone tells me that they feel the energies very deeply. Some
speak of bliss, others of various other kinds of Shakti -like states or
experiences. I try to take them out of their mundane world into a world of God
realization, of not being a body, nor mind, nor emotional body, nor even
Shakti, but beyond all that to being the core experiential experience of being
alive, one’s fundamental state.
Like Ramana said, I feel like I am pure spirit,
dancing with the life force within me, which is also the Lifeforce in all of
us, which I call God. It is electrifying. I really do not notice this world
much except for chores I have to do, like feeding the cats, or tending to the
yard. I sit silently most of the day feeling that life force within me.
Sometimes as a person it makes me feel ecstatic, at other times I feel a great
void, a vast emptiness so clear, so clean and pure. At other times, very
reluctantly, I am dragged back into being a person because of the necessity of
doing taxes or fixing up our new house which is a real pain in the ass. But
mostly I am always fixated on the life force within me.
D____ did something to me when she was last here in
September 2017. I should say Shakti did something to me in her presence, where
I felt besotted by love to the extent I felt stunned. It was almost as if I was
put in a deep trance. I barely knew who or what I was. The states we
experienced while sitting together on the golf course fairway I have never felt
before. So much power, so much Shakti, so much that I did not know what to do
with it and I do not know what to do with it now. I feel so enormously powerful
but do not know how to do anything with the power, although it is leaking out
of me at all times and people notice, especially those who come to Satsang.
Shankarananda says I live in grace now and have
been grabbed by Shakti, and I need to listen deeply and be sensitive to what
she wants me to do. But I feel Shakti so strongly everywhere within and
without, like being dropped in an ocean of energy. What can I do when there is
energy everywhere, spinning, coiling, traveling, energizing, and usually
uplifting. There is too much happening on an energetic level to have any idea
of what I should do.
Now very advanced people are coming to Satsang,
many of whom burn with energies all day long. They come from all walks of life.
One, J, was once a senior executive in the East Coast media markets. He is my
age and is really a very lovely, devotional guy, whose cat Gypsy is the love of
his life. I fully understand this love and devotion he has for Gypsy as I have
it too for the people close to me. All this came from my initial contact with
you, was it eight years ago? During our relationship I felt such deep
devotional love, explosions of Shakti, and all the other things we shared, like
visions of God, and then D____ came more recently and deepened everything. I
finally escaped any identification with the body or mind, and even Shakti is
not me I am the Lifeforce, I am God.
So, I cannot really say how I am as a person
whether I am accepting life for am happy or sad. I feel way beyond this, that
these words do not fit me and have not fit me for several years. But still I get pulled back into the world if
I am not careful or if I have not allowed myself enough quiet time and space.
I know there are some who would read this letter,
and think that I am deluded, or that I am making all this up in order to appear
godly to people in the world. This is not so. I really no more have any idea of
who or what I am. The world beyond the mundane world cannot be spoken of,
because the concepts and words of the mundane do not all apply to the inner
experience of those who have escaped from it.
With all my heart I just speak my experience only
for those who are near realizing the life force inside of themselves as God,
that there is this different world, this amazing, stupendous, blissful world of
spirit, where you are freed from body and mind, emotions and troubles, because
all of those belong to the Mundane, which is no more for me.
