09 September 2015


My father died when I was 14. It was the biggest calamity in my life. He died in the arms of his mistress while supposedly on vacation with the "guys" in New Jersey.

He was an angry though not a physically violent man, reserving his violence to the emotional variety of being cold, critical, and extremely conventional in many ways, such as his idea of what "manliness" was. He equated manhood with being a warrior, physically strong, athletic, not with being a boy, sensitive, wanting closeness.

He and my mom argued a lot, and she even wrote a letter asking if he wanted a divorce on the day after he left on his "vacation." He died of a massive heart attack a day or two later at the age of 38. To this day, 59 years later, my mom still feels the sting of his infidelity and talks about it often to me.

Why I am telling you this, is that today I felt what it was like being around him once again, waiting for his cutting sarcasm and put downs, or just feeling the menace of his silent and cold presence. I felt weak inside with a little sickness in my gut, and trembling throughout my body.These feelings and images came unannounced,without apparent trigger, while sitting and watching the news.

I felt today small and frightened, but feeling these feelings was like a tremendous victory, for feeling that weakness, fear, sickness and trembling and images of him, brought those long-buried feelings and images to the surface to be fully experienced and re-owned, and I realized that though the feelings were normally out of the range of my conscious awareness, in retrospect they were always present in my body, lived by my body and undermining the integrity of my heart.

That shaking and smallness feeling, not-in-control feeling, was something my brother Ron suffered from far more than I did. Ron died in 1978 from a combination of drinking and Desert Fever at age 32, a victim of my father's coldness and of my inability to be supportive as a child myself to my younger brother. It all came back today to be lived again, and I am so happy, for as a human, today I am more complete.. I love that feeling; in it I feel so vulnerable and open as I was as a child.


  1. Your father sounds a bit like mine. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty. So wonderful to let these trapped feelings go! -rich

  2. Also sounds a bit like mine and mine who actually lived to exactly twice your father's age. Yet I've come to realize that for as much as I could easily criticize or condemn him for the kinds of negative things I saw, I wound up internalizing some of that in myself! Hence if I'd had children, which I never did, THAT would have had to have been resolved else they'd be subject to the same undesirable behavior I was.


  3. Edji - Your honesty is very inspiring. I have had my fair share of such buried feelings. I have been going through such feelings a lot lately.. lot of hidden fears, pains and anxieties coming up to surface.

  4. Thank you for this Edji. I know for me daily meditation has opened up some of the darkest doors yet. Thanks to you I feel all that pain and confusion especially from my childhood, Catholic school and Vietnam. Claiming it and owning it has also led to some of the most blissful and alive times of my life. Never thought such pain could offer such beauty.

  5. Why doesn't it (these lived scenarios, feelings) leave you at once when you destroy 'the matrix' ? As I understand from the former post - these feelings and dramas is a part of this tyranny of mind?

  6. Arvydas: Two different things. The matrix is the mind and universal network of concepts and thought.

    That destruction allows you to go into a deeper awareness of body, energies, and Self. Feeling the body and energies will release the embedded emotions and memories.

  7. I see. During some practice i felt and relived some 'body memories' usually arising from childhood experiences, but at the same time i thought this is the other side of the coin - i.e. destroying "arvydas" - destroys these memories even on cellular level of the body. But i didn't manage to do it that's why i asked if it works that way.
    It seems there is little or no connection between sensing,feeling oneself and thinking,understanding oneself. Sensing and feeling to me is becoming more real than thinking and understanding - it is like Alive versus Dead.

  8. The destruction phase is the penetration of the I-thought opening one to direct access and abiding in the I-sense. The first feels like destruction because the I-thought and the Matrix explode. But this is just the beginning of living in the body and deeper bodies, the energy body, Turiya, etc.