I never expected the 'Process' to be up and down, down and up, sideways and fuck-ways. I guess I had this concept like when ya see the damn monks sitting in bliss with a smile on their face not to be bothered with the world again. Yea! what a surprise!
If it isn't one thing its another, flying high engulfed in Pure Love and the next day looking at my body as a piece of decaying meat. Thank God for you Edji, a good slap on the back to bring me out of stupor and back on the Path. When I look deeper I do Love you deeply and don't really have to say that it is the Absolute that I love, in order to avoid intimacy with another man. I would miss you terribly if you passed away. Please forgive me if I ever let you feel that I didn't Love you with all my Heart.
I most certainty know that you deeply Love me with all your Heart. I can feel it and at those times actually go into blissful states, smiling...that smiling monk.
The source of all the happenings is always me, all the feelings, honest or in denial are always streaming out from just around the corner of my arm. I really do not know anything about myself. Anything I say or do just vaporizes within hours. I guess all one's past can not be retracted so the idea would be to just live with it and approach life as spontaneous, alive with gusto and challenges and just 'do it'. Easy to say but near impossible to accomplish.
Love is not a docile pet but I am discovering a wild and ferocious Tiger that can lick her babies with the most love imaginable or sink its teeth, bringing death to running gazelle.
One minute a deep loneliness prevails and the next hour I have no concept of what in the hell loneliness even is or how to define it.
This is no easy path, it is up and around the mountain where unexpected events can happen and also the most beautiful views of the valley below to behold. Parts of me I thought were necessary and important are getting scraped off by the thorn bushes and the jagged rocks, it hurts but it lightens the baggage. And maybe I'll even swear at you.
This must be called an 'opening path'... into what I have no idea. Like a lotus sitting quietly on a pond in deep dark water where beauty/life and ugliness/death exist side by side. Intense is an understatement.
I am afraid to hurt or injure people so limit my opinions and feelings. I can tell you anything Edji as I know you have the capacity to take it all in no matter what without any judgment whatsoever.....but also with that all important COMPASSION that is bottomless.
Dearest Edji, You are the Love of My Life.
You are my Dearest Friend
You make life possible.
I WOULD LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU!
Steve monks and nuns are people often living very regimented lives and a minimum of stress. It is easy to be peaceful in these circumstances. But I am afraid you will usually find usual people behind their habits and dress.
Never worry about the inner states of monks, masters, or criminals; only knowing your own inner state matters.
See, love shows you the highs and lows of your own existence; the deeper the love, the deeper are both your good and bad aspects exposed. Everything comes out in the wash. It is all exposed because of the depth of your devotion, even the desire to kill me from time to time.
But eventually your love will awaken your own true self--as love and bliss--to show you her true nature, after which you will be content knowing who and what you are. After that, your devotion will be more real, not just effort to attain self-realization.
All my love to you.