14 June 2010


Hi Ed-

I recently experienced something different from the usual Aha moments that have so often come and gone.

While going to pee, and inquiring into who was doing such a thing, something broke.  I say broke because the closest description is that there was a "snap".  It was like a feather-weight explosion that was neither here nor gone.  There was no me, no practice, no inquiry, no elation, no joy, no sorrow.

I once experienced a kundalini blow out which resulted in myself being locked in laya for 3 days.  Once the state lifted, I nearly had a breakdown.  I figured this enlightenment thing was for the chickens, and wanted nothing more of it.  I was only going mad.  I did not inquire or meditate for nearly 3 years after that.

This was different.  It did not feel temporary because nothing arose to begin with, so there was nothing to go.  Just a flash.

The first concept that came to me was there is no one, so there is no practice, no need to inquire.  A big laugh followed the joke.

I began writing this thinking my "difficulty" would arise, and it has- I am still here.  So much has changed, but nothing really has.  Still I feel a discomfort that I cannot pin down.  Just a blah.

I actually feel much better sharing all of this with you, and thank you for listening.

Thank you, in loving kindness-



   I got my first awakening when taking a shower. You got yours while pissing.

Just spend a lot of time being quiet and introspective.  See if you can locate a witness and abide there.

This state will deepen if you don't lose it by being too active.



  1. Hi Ed-

    As the pee-pee experience is settling...

    I have been reading Ramana and Nisargadatta- these words strike down to my very core, and it is about all my mind will take.

    The paradox is getting brittle, and not much else is happening.

    I attempt to tell you about my "problem", but there is none when the fingers go to type.

    I guess I just feel a connection with you and want to express it.


    Thank you-


  2. Ha! It came to me-

    I have been doing as suggested- remaining quiet and abiding in the I, and it is very apparent that the doing is less than before. Really, it all seems to be going automatically.

    I simply nudge back to the I when my mind strays.

    On a side note, it sure does get a little schizophrenic at times, but it feels like a natural part of the process of the doer releasing its tight grasp. The turbulence never lasts long, if any arises at all.

    The time between waking and sleeping is where my mind is really drawn to, to watch as closely as possible. Especially as I am falling asleep.

    I stay with it as I merge into the void, as in many sitting meditations, and then...waking consciousness arises. I was out somewhere and I missed it! Haha!

    The doubts have subsided, the blah has cleared, and there is no "problem."

    Blessings to you Ed, and the site you present here, and many thanks again. Without you and Robert (and Ramana, and Nisargadatta, and...), I may never have found my way out of the madness.