I recently experienced something different from the usual Aha moments that have so often come and gone.
While going to pee, and inquiring into who was doing such a thing, something broke. I say broke because the closest description is that there was a "snap". It was like a feather-weight explosion that was neither here nor gone. There was no me, no practice, no inquiry, no elation, no joy, no sorrow.
I once experienced a kundalini blow out which resulted in myself being locked in laya for 3 days. Once the state lifted, I nearly had a breakdown. I figured this enlightenment thing was for the chickens, and wanted nothing more of it. I was only going mad. I did not inquire or meditate for nearly 3 years after that.
This was different. It did not feel temporary because nothing arose to begin with, so there was nothing to go. Just a flash.
The first concept that came to me was there is no one, so there is no practice, no need to inquire. A big laugh followed the joke.
I began writing this thinking my "difficulty" would arise, and it has- I am still here. So much has changed, but nothing really has. Still I feel a discomfort that I cannot pin down. Just a blah.
I actually feel much better sharing all of this with you, and thank you for listening.
Thank you, in loving kindness-
I got my first awakening when taking a shower. You got yours while pissing.
Just spend a lot of time being quiet and introspective. See if you can locate a witness and abide there.
This state will deepen if you don't lose it by being too active.